A US Senator is drawing the nation’s attention after publicizing a report suggesting an attack on family values is imminent.
Addressing a hastily-organized press conference Friday morning, Senator Tate Williams of Arkansas explained that his staff on the United States Senate Select Committee on Intelligence has intercepted reports of planned military action against family values in America by the Liberal Looney and Gay Alliance of California (the LLGAC).
Excerpts from the leaked discussions were showcased by the senator, with content ranging from a diagram for an 11-way assault on family value strongholds in Georgia and Texas to a discussion of the finest hair removal cream.
Williams described the reports as “ominous,” and noted that “We’re not talking about normal values here – these are family values – and that makes all the difference. If that 11-way assault goes through, we’re going to see our national security threatened, along with family values.” On the issue of hair removal cream he pointed out “those products contain chemicals which allow for the creation of nuclear weapons, and that ain’t part of family values.”
In response to Senator Williams’ warning, President Obama has agreed to put federal troops on alert in case LLGAC does in fact follow through with their threat. The White House itself issued a statement reading:
While the family values issue has classically been a GOP-only campaign issue, the strong bipartisan legacy of Tate Williams makes his admonition one this administration can translate into a robust defense policy.
Leftists were quick to defend Obama’s adoption of the Republican line, with Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Shultz arguing the change is necessary to “continue remedying the eight years of failed Republican leadership in Washington.”
On the conservative side things were not so simple. Eric Cantor conceded to reporters outside his office that Obama’s move had made him very confused. “WTF am I supposed to do now?” he lamented. “If I back Obama conservatives will hate me, but family values are important and Reaganesque. FML.”
Perhaps the most pleased public figure is Piers Morgan, who is said to be plotting an anti-Second Amendment campaign based on the defense of family values.