Local police and federal authorities are on high alert after a Purcellville, VA man was caught sneaking an extra cookie from his parents’ cookie jar.
Dom Fall, 46, is believed to have made an approach on the cookie jar at around 11pm on Monday night, when his mother and father were fast asleep.
Fall proceeded to snatch at the largest chocolate chip cookie before he was spotted by local kitchen watcher Bob Priscilla, who screamed obsessively and scared the culprit out a nearby window.
Fall’s present whereabouts are unknown, though police did receive an anonymous tip from Loudoun Valley High School that he may be hiding out at the abandoned skateboard park. SWAT units are set to make an insertion around noon in hopes of capturing the runaway cookie snatcher.
In response to reports that Fall might be instead cooped up in Patrick Henry College, the university’s spokesman angrily lashed out at the public, saying “There are no cookie jar thieves at Patrick Henry College; only people whose hearts have been stolen by knowledge.”
Answering questions with the press on Tuesday morning, Priscilla spoke through his lawyer, Binky Goldman. “Mr. Priscilla understands that all residents of Locust Grove are entitled to three chocolate chip cookies each day – NO EXCEPTIONS! Dom’s decision to scrounge for a fifth threatens the fabric of this community, which is otherwise known as a great place to raise a family.”
A webcam-recorded video made by Fall was released to the public through 4chan some hours later which shows him in a Cookies 4 Ever t-shirt ranting about the merits of sugar unfree products. Written on the wall behind his placement in the video are the words “Skru da parentz, I wantz mah cookeez!”
On the national level, disagreement over support for Fall between Michelle Obama and Rosie O’Donnell led to a prolonged catfight on Rosie’s show, which is now being canceled, again.