State-Wide, Only 5 People Now Eligible to Hold Office in Virginia

RICHMOND, Virginia – The political situation in Virginia has grown dire. First, the Democrat governor admitted that his page in his medical school yearbook has people with blackface and Klan robes in it. Then, the Democrat second-in-command lieutenant governor got credibly accused of sexual assault by not one, but two women. Then, right after he said that people who wore blackface should not be governor, the state’s attorney general, also a Democrat and third-in-command for the governorship, admitted that he also once wore blackface.

The fourth-in-command for the governorship in Virginia is the Speaker of the House of Delegates. This role is filled by a Republican because the election for House District 94 ended in a tie that was resolved by pulling a candidate’s name out of a bowl. When Republican David Yancey’s name was drawn, Virginia’s House of Delegates became a 51-49 Republican majority, allowing them to name a Speaker of the House.

Scrambling for a potential governor that is not the result of unadultered chance, and concerned that the entire debacle was just a Republican hit job, a special committee was organized to find potential replacements for the scandal-plagued offices. The Committee managed to survey the entire citizenry of Virginia for eligible candidates who have neither worn blackface nor sexually assaulted or harassed a woman.

The results of the hastily-conducted report are in. In the entire state, there appear to be five people left in Virginia who can become governor, lieutenant governor, and attorney general.

Albert Yates, 66, is the only attorney among the five remaining candidates. A patent lawyer who has never handled a criminal case, he is considered a shoe-in for attorney general.

Jessie Gamble, 23, is an HVAC technician and an avid reader.

Thomas Alphone, 41, has advanced degrees in mathematics, lives with his mother in Frederiksberg, and suffers from Asperger Syndrome.

Jerry Ulmer, 35, has been in a coma for 20 years after a being hit in the head by a foul ball while watching a University of Virginia game.

Lawrence “Superman” Niles, 41, has also been in a coma for 22 years after a terrible horseback riding accident.

“It’s not surprising to me that there are only five people in the state who aren’t overtly racist or sexist,” Committee Head Bob Mimms said. “Or that two of them are totally cheating by being in a coma.”

While the Committee is expected to recommend Mr. Yates to be the next attorney general, rumors are that it will put forward Mr. Ulmer’s name to be the next governor over Mr. Gamble’s.

“Sure, Ulmer is in a coma,” Mr. Mimms explained. “But Mr. Gamble is a… how do I say it… An African-American. The people of Virginia need to have a say on the topic.”

When asked why all five of the potential candidates were men, Mr. Mimms admitted that the Committee did not consider eligible women for the roles, adding that they were deemed “unelectable” and that “Virginia just hasn’t come that far, yet.”

Author: Sean Myers

Sean Myers is a professional writer and legal blogger. He lives in upstate New York.