Study Links Decline to Spare Tire Trend

As Physicists huddle underground in super collider facilities, much of the world is fascinated with the quest for the elusive Higgs Boson particle. Current scientific consensus believes the Higgs Boson may play a role in defining gravity, based on the work of highly controversial String theorists and several rejected scripts from the popular CBS show “Big Bang Theory.”

Far from media spotlights, a different group of researchers has toiled in secrecy for two decades now in a crusade to answer a question less concerned with sub-atomic particles, but of equal gravity according to some. Why exactly has America gone down the toilet?

Little has ever been known about the team of scientists gathered to hunt the root cause of American decline, informally called the ‘FUBAR trigger.’ Funded by the Ford Foundation, the Annenberg Foundation and a grant from reclusive heiress Huguette Clark, it’s rumored the project drew together the best minds from around the world. As yet unnamed Nobel Laureates worked side by side with people from a wide range of backgrounds, including Microsoft founder Bill Gate’s younger brother, Greg Gates.

While the crusade for Higgs Boson continues, the ‘FUBAR trigger’ research group this week announced its preliminary findings. According to them, America’s downhill run began with the introduction of teeny little spare tires.

“Yeah, surprised us too” said Greg Gates speaking for the group from its current headquarters in Geneva, ironically only kilometers away from the Large Hadron Collider.
“As my older brother the Momma’s boy bed wetter has often told me, ‘If you chase data, have the courage to go where the data takes you’ and he’s right about that. My esteemed colleague Dr. Vishnu Rajuparidan made a strong case that birth control pill use put estrogen in the drinking water, but it just doesn’t fit the data profile for American decline.”

There is a disarming frankness in this group of dedicated scientists who feel they have nothing to prove, but much to teach a weary world hungering for truth. The data has led them to an unexpected place and they have the courage to speak. According to them, America was doomed from the moment go-cart wheels replaced actual spare tires in cars.

On questioning, Greg Gates admitted he had no idea why anybody would name their reclusive heiress daughter ‘Huguette.’ Dr. Rajuparidan said she didn’t know either.

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