GOP Hopefuls Woo Gilligan’s Island Caucus

When the Republican primary race began in January 2009, few could have imagined the many twists and turns that lay ahead. So perhaps it is fitting that residents of a small Pacific island will have a disproportionate voice in choosing which Republican gets to make the November concession speech.

The Gilligan’s Island caucus has never drawn much media attention, coming so soon after Super Tuesday, and offering only one sixteenth of a delegate. All that has changed in 2012, with a hotly contested slugfest where no definitive front runner has yet emerged. Every fraction of a delegate counts now, and the isolated atoll has found itself pushed forward into the glare of spotlights.

While all candidates have predicted decisive victory on Gilligan’s Island, those not affiliated with campaigns tell a different tale. According to them, the Islanders’ loyalties reflect the same sharp divisions already seen among stateside Republicans.

The Howells are strongly in support of fellow millionaire Mitt Romney. MaryAnn and Gilligan favor Ron Paul, citing his strict pro-Constitution positions (they’re both pot smokers). The race has shifted to the Independents, and it’s there the candidates have focused their efforts.

While Professor’s recent endorsement of Gingrich was a surprise, it shouldn’t be taken as harbinger of a Newt rout. Interviewed via satellite by Bill O’Reilly, the respected academic spoke glowingly of the former Speaker. “He’s got an idea to build us a bridge to the mainland. That guy is so freaking smart! I can’t convince anybody else to go for him though.”

Experts put Skipper and B-movie actress Ginger Grant in the undecided column. Reached for comment, CNN’s James Carville offered a prediction. “Skippah, he’s going for Rick Sanitarium, you can bet crawdads to crankshafts on that. It’s a blue collah message Rick is selling, and that Skippah is blue collah; wears the same blue shirt every day don’t he? That’s somethin’ I’ve nevah understood. Him and Gilligan lived on the boat, right? So how come they don’t have a change of clothing?”

Speculation notwithstanding, all agree the castaways will play a significant role in 2012. Perhaps Ginger put it best when she said, “I think it’s wonderful how Americans get to choose our leaders. Of course, I say we re-elect McCain. He’s been doing a pretty good job.”

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.