Posted in Health Religionism

Mitre Spins as Vatican Does Safety Dance U-Turn

The mother Church of Christendom was roiled this week by excerpts from a new book by Pope Benedict LVMCIII. The book, “Because I said So” has stirred controversy due to several passages wherein the Pontiff clarifies condom use. Somewhere in…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Mitre Spins as Vatican Does Safety Dance U-Turn
Posted in Politics

Forget Green, “Blue” Group Mounts Tea Party Challenge

CINCINNATI, Ohio (Glossy News) — Flush with recent success, the loosely organized AstroTurf Tea Party movement already faces a threat to its new-found power from an unexpected source. While some political analysts call the group a predictable splintering, others term…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Forget Green, “Blue” Group Mounts Tea Party Challenge
Posted in Travel

TSA Anger Leads Nudist Airlines to Growth, Uprising

Nature Air CEO Calvin Klavan is quick to tell reporters he doesn’t like the term ‘nudist.’ “We’re not nudists; we’re naturists. When you cloth-backs go to the zoo, do you marvel at the ‘nude’ animals? No, of course you don’t….

WTF?! Click now to find out more! TSA Anger Leads Nudist Airlines to Growth, Uprising
Posted in Entertainment

Advocacy Group to Toothlessly Protest Redneck Comedians, Unaware of Irony

Cable Professionals United Against Hurtful Stereotypes spokesperson Carl Tuckerson spoke to reporters today on the newly minted group’s grievances and plans. Per Tuckerson, the CPUAHS was formed in defensive reaction to a pervasive, insidious and pernicious media campaign to brand…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Advocacy Group to Toothlessly Protest Redneck Comedians, Unaware of Irony
Posted in Politics

Deposed Pelosi Hostage Crisis Continues

It began as a beautiful Autumnal morning in our nation’s capitol, but at this writing many probably wonder if they’ll survive the day. Those close to speaker Pelosi have told Glossy News they’ve never known her to act out like…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Deposed Pelosi Hostage Crisis Continues
Posted in World News

Haiti Officially Declared ‘Kenny’ of Nations

In the aftermath of Hurricane Tomas’ further devastation to the beleaguered Caribbean hellhole, an emergency meeting of the UN has officially declared Haiti the ‘Kenny’ of the global community. Scholars and UN watchdogs call the unanimous decree historical, unprecedented and…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Haiti Officially Declared ‘Kenny’ of Nations
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc Celebrity Gossip

Insider: Kato Kaelin to Join NPR for “Balance”

An unusually combative Janet Bryce-Flaverhaven spoke to reporters this week as she unveiled the long awaited 2011 NPR schedule. The venerable broadcasting behemoth, much loved by hundreds of listeners, has been a topic of much recent scrutiny. The reflexive firing…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Insider: Kato Kaelin to Join NPR for “Balance”
Posted in Politics

Tennessee’s Jackass Race Still Too Close to Call

Insiders have always watched Tennessee elections closely. The reasons for this scrutiny are varied. Partly, it’s the famous axiom ‘As Tennessee goes, so goes Kentucky usually.’ More than that though, the Volunteer state has always provided America with a cornucopia…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Tennessee’s Jackass Race Still Too Close to Call
Posted in Television

Pundit Recycling Program Deemed Success

Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez. We heard somebody named Juan Williams got fired from NPR and wanted to get the real story. Because the excuse that was given, well? Gringos are a little off in…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Pundit Recycling Program Deemed Success
Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Johnny Depp School Visit Ends in Tragedy

LONDON, United Kingdom (Glossy News) — What was meant to be a special day for children at Middleburytonshire Elementary will be recalled quite differently after a surprise visit from Johnny Depp took a turn for the worse. Precocious Jessica Smythe-Flaverhaven…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Johnny Depp School Visit Ends in Tragedy
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Kennedy Ctr Pre-Humously Honor Hugh “Playboy Bunny” Hefner

Famed soft core porn peddler Hugh Hefner will be among the Lifetime Achievement Award winners at 2011 Kennedy Center ceremonies. The announcement immediately stirred controversy, since it marks the first time the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts has honored…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Kennedy Ctr Pre-Humously Honor Hugh “Playboy Bunny” Hefner
Posted in Human Interest Top Stories

Study Proves Marble Tile is Very Heavy

When you’re married, there will be times (usually during 4th quarter of a tied game)that a woman says, “Something something something would brighten up the room, don’t you think?” Wait until the game is over, and then go out to…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Study Proves Marble Tile is Very Heavy
Posted in Religionism

Jehovah’s Witness Probe Widens, Officials Going Door-to-Door

Tallahatchie County DA Kirk Shatner gazes into the distance when pressed on his crusade against the Jehovah Witness organization. “Oh yeah, I know what some people say. That I’m picking on an unpopular minority in blatant appeal to the fundamental…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Jehovah’s Witness Probe Widens, Officials Going Door-to-Door
Posted in Crime Society

Jimmy Hoffa Found Inside Noah’s Ark

MOUNT ARARAT, Turkey (GlossyNews) — Amazing discoveries continue from a Hong Kong based group of evangelical archeologists. The Xinyou Qing Project (rough English translation, ‘We go find Ark now’) was once little known in the Archaeological community, let alone the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Jimmy Hoffa Found Inside Noah’s Ark
Posted in Top Stories Travel

Cuba Sees Future in Tourism

Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez. Beleaguered, nearly forgotten Cuba has announced another wave of economic reforms. Under the new guidelines, citizens can operate small businesses, hire employees, and rent property for American currency. Analysts attribute…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Cuba Sees Future in Tourism
Posted in Religionism Science

Recently Discovered Noah’s Ark Artifacts Destroyed in Quran Bonfire Mishap

MOUNT ARARAT, Turkey (GlossyNews) — In the close-knit evangelical archeological community, few can recall more dizzying heights and tragic lows in such a short time span. The Xinyou Qing Project (rough English translation, ‘We go find Ark now’) first grabbed…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Recently Discovered Noah’s Ark Artifacts Destroyed in Quran Bonfire Mishap
Posted in Television

Acid Hoax Pays-Off w/ Major TV Contract, Minor Disfigurement

A beaming yet horribly disfigured Bethany Storros met with reporters today to announce her place on the 2011 Showtime fall schedule. The Vancouver native, savoring the notoriety generated by her self-mutilation and false claims of a racially motivated attack, was…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Acid Hoax Pays-Off w/ Major TV Contract, Minor Disfigurement
Posted in Society World News

High School Senior 2 Gay 2 B Remembered

Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez. Sex is a private matter, except for performance artists employed in the adult entertainment sector, who are generally really nice people. Except for Diane; she was a real bitch. Oh,…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! High School Senior 2 Gay 2 B Remembered
Posted in Music

Folk Singer Succumbs to Irrelevance

Song stylist and political activist Adam Cohen has died, sources close to the family told Glossy News today. Cohen passed peacefully at his Greenwich Village apartment, after a long battle with colorectal cancer and raging irrelevance. Cohen is best known…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Folk Singer Succumbs to Irrelevance
Posted in Religionism Sportsfolk

Steinbrenner Options Satan for Minor Mephistopheles to be Named Later

HELL (GlossyNews) — Word comes via famed psychic John Edwards, that legendary sports icon George Steinbrenner has not gone ‘gentle into that good night.’ Other sources confirm Edwards’ assertions. The former Yankees owner has discharged Satan from any further managerial…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Steinbrenner Options Satan for Minor Mephistopheles to be Named Later
Posted in Religionism Top Stories

Holy Grail Found Inside Ark of the Covenant Inside Noah’s Ark

Astounding news continues from a Hong Kong based group of evangelical archeologists. The Xinyou Qing Project (rough English translation, ‘We go find Ark now’) first grabbed headlines this year with discovery of Noah’s Ark on Mt. Ararat. Detailed work at…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Holy Grail Found Inside Ark of the Covenant Inside Noah’s Ark
Posted in Biz News Top Stories

Steenking Badges Demand Trending Sharply Lower

In what industry analysts warn may signal a downturn for Mexico’s extraction sector, ‘Steenking Badges’ futures closed sharply lower today. The precipitous decline over the past six weeks, though generally seen as unfavorable, elicited highly contentious opinions. The widely acknowledged…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Steenking Badges Demand Trending Sharply Lower
Posted in Environment World News

New Leak Linked to BP

ROSWELL, New Mexico (GlossyNews) — In his harshest stance yet, President Barack Obama has demanded flailing petroleum giant BP establish yet another $20B set-aside to address more leak damage. At issue is the recent Wiki-leaks release of 91,000 classified documents,…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! New Leak Linked to BP
Posted in Celebrity Gossip Politics

Agriculture Secretary Fires Michelle Obama

ALEXANDRIA, Virginia (GlossyNews) — In what Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel termed, “ordinary mid-term reassignments” First Lady Michelle Obama was fired today by Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack. The brief press statement, sent via Twitter and read by White House spokesperson…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Agriculture Secretary Fires Michelle Obama
Posted in Politics Strange People

Kagan Birth Certificate Controversy

ODESSA, Texas Commonwealth (GlossyNews) — While it was initially believed Elena Kagan’s Supreme Court nomination would move ahead with only token opposition, such hopes are fading as Congress begins the summer recess. Backed by the Tea Party affiliated Citizens for…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Kagan Birth Certificate Controversy
Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos Science & Technologizzy

Remote Control Pets Deemed Nearer

Rashomon Technologies today announced that it is discontinuing field trials for “Good-Dog” due to the technology’s stunningly successful performance. The product’s target launch date is late 2011, contingent on royalty and licensing agreements with US veterinarians. RT CEO Kazuo Kurosawa…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Remote Control Pets Deemed Nearer
Posted in Internets Tubes

Satire Writers Threaten Strike After Working Slowdown Goes Unnoticed

In uncertain economic times, people facing unemployment and foreclosure often find it difficult to empathize with artists who suffer writers block. Such was confirmed in a recent study from the Pew Research Center. According to the results: 67 percent of…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Satire Writers Threaten Strike After Working Slowdown Goes Unnoticed
Posted in Biz News Society

Bank Deemed ‘Too Big to Succeed’

NEW YORK (GlossyNews) — Analysts predict a drop in equity markets this week, in the wake of unexpected SEC announcements. Investment giant Guildenstern & Rosencrantz, long a Wall Street presence, is to be liquidated. The word came from Under Assistant…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Bank Deemed ‘Too Big to Succeed’
Posted in Society

Glossy News Sues Al Qaeda

THE HAGUE, The Netherlands — (GlossyNews) — Humor news media titan Glossy News announced today a lawsuit expected to redefine international intellectual property rights law, and possibly win the war against terror. According to a brief filed in New York’s…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Glossy News Sues Al Qaeda
Posted in Entertainment Science

Director Cameron Making 4-D Movie

HOLLYWOODLAND, West Coast (GlossyNews) — Self-crowned ‘King of Directors’ James Cameron today announced a project expected to establish a new standard in cinema. Speaking from Malibu’s exclusive ‘Pssst, You can smoke in here’ Bistro, the mega-hit crafter was upbeat, while…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Director Cameron Making 4-D Movie