Steve Jobs returns as Hologram

Apple Inc. announced today its founder did not ‘go gentle into that good night.’ Instead, Steve re-booted. Developer Etta Place told reporters, “We don’t hawk that ‘quantum leap forward’ jazz; we’re not Microsoft. Our work speaks for itself. What we’ve accomplished is Virtual Cloning.”

Ms. Place went on to explain VC had been a 2019 scheduled product release, but Job’s final contribution was leadership of the accelerated development timetable.

“Those of us who worked with Steve know how inspiring he could be. This effort is no exception. While our company has a reputation for secrecy, there’s no problem in telling details here. We could give NASA blueprints, and they couldn’t make a 2019 product launch.”

According to Place, the project involved challenges, both in hardware and software. “Our Pixar unit was helpful. Steve wore a motion capture sensor suit for a week, and they provided some core VC programming. But don’t think this is a high-tech cartoon with Steve doing some robotic loop of favorite phrases. Mr. Jobs answered over two thousand questions in a personality profile. The responses were processed into a specially developed proprietary algorithm. So virtual Steve is fully interactive, and his unique character is retained.”

Tech experts differ, but most agree VC hardware is by far the most astounding achievement. The hologram image is accomplished via electrically charged nano-mirrors. Projection, or definition in Applespeak, is done with a graphite based laser spinning at 36,190 revolutions per minute.

“Yeah, the faster the laser rotation, the better resolution” said Place. “But 36K per minute seems like a threshold. Beyond that some kind of oscillation curve hits, and the image shimmers.”

Sources close to the project say efforts are underway to simplify the programming interface. Plans are to offer a software package to the terminally ill. Future releases of I-Phone and I-Pad will be compatible in producing fully interactive holographic images of the departed.

Ms. Place disputed such rumors. “Yes, we will offer a software product to the terminally ill. But this talk of cross-platform handshake with I-Phone or I-Pad is just conjecture. We have a standalone product here; the I-Mback.”

Reached for comment, virtual Steve said, “They made me left-handed, can you believe it? What a bunch of pathetic boobs!”

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.

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