Posted in War Zone World News

Declassified Letters Reveal Bin Laden A Truly Beautiful, Gifted Writer

WASHINGTON D.C. – A collection of declassified letters written by the late al Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden, has revealed that the mastermind behind the September 11 attacks was a surprisingly beautiful and disciplined writer. According to researchers at the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Declassified Letters Reveal Bin Laden A Truly Beautiful, Gifted Writer
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

F***ing D***head Editor Censoring **arg** Everything

INDIANAPOLIS – An absolute f***ing c**kface of an editor has left virtually his entire staff completely baffled and frustrated after meticulously sifting through a continuum of work and censoring just about every God d*** p***ing profanity written down on each…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! F***ing D***head Editor Censoring **arg** Everything
Posted in Biz News Society

Guy Who Otherwise Wouldn’t Give Two Shits About You Would Like to Know How that Food is Tasting

INDIANAPOLIS – Despite not really giving a flying fuck about you or your shitty feelings, Applebee’s server and part time student Josh Penticuff would really like to know how those chicken dippers are working out for you today. Penticuff, who…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Guy Who Otherwise Wouldn’t Give Two Shits About You Would Like to Know How that Food is Tasting
Posted in Politics

Gun Laws, Same-Sex Marriage, Women’s Rights, Economy, Healthcare Reform, Abortion, Stem Cell Research, Syria, Education Set to Become Number One Issue of Election

WASHINGTON D.C. – With the presidential election just 3 months away, political insiders believe that the one central issue facing the candidates in November will be gun laws, same-sex marriage, women’s rights, the economy, healthcare reform, and just generally everything…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Gun Laws, Same-Sex Marriage, Women’s Rights, Economy, Healthcare Reform, Abortion, Stem Cell Research, Syria, Education Set to Become Number One Issue of Election
Posted in Science

Evidence of Life Discovered on Surface of Marsh

ANDERSON – In what has become a sensational development, sources today confirmed the discovery of life on the surface of Marsh – the Indianapolis-based food retail store. It was previously believed that life could not flourish on the store’s floor,…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Evidence of Life Discovered on Surface of Marsh
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Self Help Author Has Some Great Tips for Letting Go of Your Fears, Money

INDIANAPOLIS – An emerging self help author today outlined his personal pledge to help you let go of both your irrational fears and, in turn, your hard earned money. During a motivational speech class in downtown Indianapolis today, Miles Thomas…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Self Help Author Has Some Great Tips for Letting Go of Your Fears, Money
Posted in Biz News

Report Finds That Friday Just Needs to Hurry Up and Get Here Already

UNITED STATES – According to an unconfirmed report, Friday – the day generally considered to be the end of the work week – just cannot get here damn-near quick enough. Even though the day of Friday – like every other…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Report Finds That Friday Just Needs to Hurry Up and Get Here Already
Posted in Biz News

Walmart Introduces New Signage to Help Customers Locate Existing Signage

INDIANAPOLIS – Retail giant Walmart has rolled out a brand new idea to install helpful signage to guide customers in the direction of existing signage. The plan, which was tested across select national stores yesterday, is viewed as a solution…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Walmart Introduces New Signage to Help Customers Locate Existing Signage
Posted in Biz News

Indiana Man Fired for Violating Company Policy, Secretary

INDIANAPOLIS – An inner city accounting firm has terminated the contract of one of its senior staff members after it was discovered that the 39-year-old had violated both the terms of his contract and the company’s female secretary. Michael Joyner…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Indiana Man Fired for Violating Company Policy, Secretary
Posted in Internets Tubes Technology

Evil Excel Spreadsheet Doing Everything In Power to Stop Guy Leaving Work on Time

INDIANAPOLIS – Seemingly not content to just let office worker Aaron McMillan clock out of work at the regular time of five-thirty, a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet is doing everything in its Goddamn power Monday to make sure that McMillan stays…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Evil Excel Spreadsheet Doing Everything In Power to Stop Guy Leaving Work on Time
Posted in Politics Society

Cocktail Party Deteriorates Into Political Party

INDIANAPOLIS – A cocktail party took just two hours to deteriorate into a fledgling political party Monday, after the event’s laid-back atmosphere took on a more serious and philosophical tone. Guests arrived at The Hilton Indianapolis Hotel in buoyant mood,…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Cocktail Party Deteriorates Into Political Party
Posted in Human Interest

Nation’s Horses Demand Right to Marry Owners

LEXINGTON, KY – Following yesterday’s landmark Supreme Court decision to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act, the nation’s horses demanded Thursday the right to marry their owners. Marriage between members of the Equidae family and homosapiens is not currently recognized…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Nation’s Horses Demand Right to Marry Owners
Posted in Biz News Human Interest

A-Hole from School Wants to Know If You’d Like Extra Lettuce w/ That

Documents sharing is possible for bluetooth enabled Samsung Mobile Phone users. INDIANAPOLIS – Despite spending most of his teen years being an insufferable prick to you and your friends, an asshole you went to school with would now be interested…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! A-Hole from School Wants to Know If You’d Like Extra Lettuce w/ That
Posted in Society

Ship Accused of Squabbling with Sister Ship

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL – Docking at Port Everglades in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, Wednesday, an otherwise well-behaved cruise ship was accused of squabbling with her younger sister over who left a pair of binoculars back in the Dominican Republic. Onlookers were…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Ship Accused of Squabbling with Sister Ship
Posted in Biz News

In Strange Way, Man Sort of Going to Miss Call Center Environment

INDIANAPOLIS – Starting his new job at Herzler-Bryant Accounting Firm this past Monday, Indianapolis man Bret Carbone insists that, in an odd sort of way, he is actually kind of going to miss the whole call center environment. Though he…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! In Strange Way, Man Sort of Going to Miss Call Center Environment
Posted in Society

Curiosity Fails to Kill Cat: Car Succeeds

ANDERSON – Though it had spent much of its day eying up a nest of birds in a nearby oak tree, local cat Millie avoided being killed by the concept of curiosity today – instead meeting her demise under the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Curiosity Fails to Kill Cat: Car Succeeds
Posted in Society

Study: Temperature of Swimming Pool Not So Bad Once You Get Out

INDIANAPOLIS – A new study from Indiana University has advised casual swimmers that, though it feels really freaking cold when you first wiggle your foot through the water, the pool is actually not so bad once you get out. Insisting…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Study: Temperature of Swimming Pool Not So Bad Once You Get Out
Posted in Society

Interstate Crash Kills 4 People’s Hopes of Getting to Work on Time

FISHERS – A crash on I-69 this morning is believed to have killed as many as four people’s chances of getting to work before their scheduled start time. A 26-year-old woman’s hopes of remaining punctual were killed instantly when her…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Interstate Crash Kills 4 People’s Hopes of Getting to Work on Time
Posted in Health Politics

State of Indiana Calls In Sick

INDIANAPOLIS – Insisting that it must have caught one of those overnight things that is going around, the entire state of Indiana called off work Monday, significantly affecting production across the Hoosier state. Even though the state’s population didn’t sound…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! State of Indiana Calls In Sick
Posted in Environment

Global Warming Producing Some Really Effing Awesome Weather

INDIANAPOLIS – Despite international concern over CO2 emissions and rising global temperatures, people from all across Indiana are discovering that global warming is, for better or worse, producing some really fucking awesome weather right now. Fears over increasing sea-levels, ferocious…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Global Warming Producing Some Really Effing Awesome Weather
Posted in Biz News

Construction Work Begins on Interstate Construction Work

INDIANAPOLIS – Traffic was backed up for almost four miles on I-465 Tuesday, as wide-scale construction work – aimed at improving the existing construction work along the interstate heading in and out of Indianapolis – got underway.

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Construction Work Begins on Interstate Construction Work
Posted in Environment

God Apologizes to Florida: Storm Debby Actually Intended for New Orleans

NEW ORLEANS, LA – As Storm Debby battered the state of Florida Monday, His Lordship Almighty God apologized profusely to the Sunshine State, after admitting that the tropical storm – which has caused widespread flooding in Tampa, Tallahassee and Jacksonville…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! God Apologizes to Florida: Storm Debby Actually Intended for New Orleans
Posted in Society

State of Indiana to Introduce Bus

INDIANAPOLIS – Following months of tireless debate, officials in Indiana have announced plans to introduce a workable and comprehensive bus. Enduring decades without a recognizable public transportation system, many in the Hoosier State – particularly those living outside of Indianapolis…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! State of Indiana to Introduce Bus
Posted in Biz News Strange People

Employee of the Month Won’t Shut Up About It

INDIANAPOLIS – Having won the ‘Employee of the Month’ award for October, Mulgrove Computer Services agent Matthew Wilcox just will not shut the hell up about it. The 43-year-old customer service agent, who won the award for “highest attainment of…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Employee of the Month Won’t Shut Up About It
Posted in Environment

It’ll Take More Than A Lousy Thunderstorm to Stop Man Making Stupid Decision to Go Walking During A Thunderstorm

INDIANAPOLIS – Not content to just sit at home, local man Brian Caskey insists it’ll take more than this lousy-ass thunderstorm to prevent him from making the stupid and highly irresponsible decision to go walking during a thunderstorm. Heading out…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! It’ll Take More Than A Lousy Thunderstorm to Stop Man Making Stupid Decision to Go Walking During A Thunderstorm
Posted in Society Strange People

Hummer Totally on Guy’s Ass for, Like, the Last 2 Miles

CARMEL – According to reports from the driver’s side of a silver Buick Century, that damn Hummer has been on local man Jeff Foggerty’s ass for, like, at least the last 2 miles. Even though Foggerty is himself marginally over…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Hummer Totally on Guy’s Ass for, Like, the Last 2 Miles
Posted in Biz News Health

McDonald’s Launches Healthy Go-Eat-Elsewhere Option

Responding to ongoing criticism of its nutritional practices, fast food giant McDonald’s today announced its new healthy go-and-eat-somewhere-else option. From December 1st, select McDonald’s chains across the country will be offering several all-new disclaimers on its menu, including “you might…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! McDonald’s Launches Healthy Go-Eat-Elsewhere Option
Posted in Environment Religionism

Flood Warnings Issued After God Knocks Back 8 Cans of Miller Lite

INDIANAPOLIS – The national weather service has issued severe flood warnings across most of the Midwest ahead of this weekend, after His Lordship Almighty God went on a Friday night drinking binge. According to heavenly sources, God – hosting a…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Flood Warnings Issued After God Knocks Back 8 Cans of Miller Lite
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc Kidz Zone

Parents Hail Terrible High School Production of Hamlet a Pretty Neat Little Show

INDIANAPOLIS – Lacking the necessary analytical skills to objectively critique a work of theatre, parents of youngsters in a St Vincent High School production of Hamlet thought that the laborious, 3-hour show was pretty neat. Congratulating her son Ben on…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Parents Hail Terrible High School Production of Hamlet a Pretty Neat Little Show
Posted in Biz News Books, Newspapers & Misc

Sequester: Museum to Open for Just 5 Minutes a Week

INDIANAPOLIS – The Indianapolis Museum of Art (IMA) has announced plans to scale back its opening times, insisting that from August 1st it will only open to the public 5 minutes a week. According to museum CEO Maxwell L. Anderson,…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Sequester: Museum to Open for Just 5 Minutes a Week