Archive | January, 2016

Frank Turner Song Parody: Tony F***ed the Country!

Frank Turner Song Parody: Tony F***ed the Country!

Whatever happened to Britain?
It’s like we’re scared of phantom enemies to the point of bedpissin’
Even if the danger is minor
The press and gov scaremonger
With their endless agitprop bullshit!

Yo, bigot! Anyone who looks less white than you
Makes you wonder if they’re immigrants or Muslims or Jews
But I’m tired of the endless hatred
And yet the media hacks are always stirring shit! Continue Reading

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Weirder Than A Stephen King Novel – A Rock Band With King and Dave Barry In It. Let Me Introduce You To The Rock Bottom Remainders!!!

Weirder Than A Stephen King Novel – A Rock Band With King and Dave Barry In It. Let Me Introduce You To The Rock Bottom Remainders!!!

Unannounced to most of us, one of the most incredible rock and roll groups has passed before us and we didn’t even notice it. Maybe most of us were too stoned to catch it.

This group was named The Rock Bottom Remainders and should have made the cover of the Rolling Stone except for one problem- it was made up of mostly literary figures. The thought of listening to people involved heavily with books and articles is enough to send most hard core rockers into a catatonic state. Stephen King, of course, is famous for his many best selling horror stories such as Carrie, The Dead Zone, Cujo and so many others that he himself cannot remember all of them. Dave Barry is the famed humor writer who won the Pulitzer Prize for his hilarious newspaper columns and has written several best selling books himself. (One wonders what the Pulitzer Prize statuette for humor looks like- clowns jumping out of a golden Volkwagen Beetle?) Continue Reading

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Beware the “Stranded Buddy” scammers

Beware the “Stranded Buddy” scammers

I got a call from a close friend last week. He was in Vegas and he was in trouble.

This wasn’t entirely out of character for him, but the way he contacted me certainly was. He had a legal rep call me and it kept getting weirder from there.

Look, gambling is fine. I’ve bought a dozen lottery tickets in my 23 years since I turned 18, and I’ve spent more hours at slot machines than I can recall. Continue Reading

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Winners can do the craziest things

Winners can do the craziest things

Did you know that lottery winners go broke at twice the rate of the rest of the population? It’s quite a statistic, don’t you think? You ask someone to scrimp and save all their lives and they dutifully squirrel away a few pennies for a rainy day. But give someone all the money they have ever dreamt of and the brakes come off in a way that you couldn’t imagine!

These stories of what some of the most notorious lottery and casino winners have done may not restore your faith in human kind, but they might make you feel better about not being stupid. Continue Reading

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My Plan to Donate My Powerball Jackpot Winnings to the Kids in Africa

Powerball jackpot - Tim with kidsI was really bummed to learn that I did not win the recent $1.6 billion Powerball jackpot. I was so close to winning it all. I was only off by four or five numbers. Drat! It took me a while to overcome the shock and disappointment of my razor thin loss.But after a week of eating nothing but cookie dough ice cream and Double Stuff Oreos by the sleeve, I was able to get out of bed and face the reality that my near term future would not include a castle surrounded by an alligator-filled moat after all.

My deep despair got me to thinking: What would I do if I actually won the billion dollar jackpot? I reflected on this question for what seemed like hours but was actually the duration of a TV commercial about hemorrhoid cream. I wrote down a list of things that I would do with the money if I were lucky enough to win.

I’m not hinting that my incredible list of philanthropic plans makes me a better person than you. I’m not hinting anything at all. Let me spell it out for you. I’m a way better person than you – at least I will be, once I get my hands on that money.

As someone who is profoundly deep and constantly reflects on the meaning of life whenever I’m not hungry, I realize I have been given a great amount over the course of my life – starting with two (occasionally) wonderful daughters. But there are so many others who have been given far less. So, if I were to win the Powerball jackpot, it would be my heartfelt desire to travel to Africa to provide food and clothing to all the starving children of that great nation. (I’m pretty sure Africa is a nation). And I would build them a modern school with clean, safe running water, and give each child their very own iPad, pre-loaded with both Minecraft and Candy Crush – for educational purposes only. I would do this because, let’s face it, it’s all about the kids. And I already have everything I need…

Powerball jackpot - CarsExcept for a private jet. Yeah, I would love to get me one of those babies – um, so that I could transport food and clothing to the starving kids in Africa, of course. And my jet would come with a scantily clad female flight attendant with a sexy British accent, and she’d serve me Martinis. I don’t even like Martinis, but who cares? And just as soon as I got my private jet, I would immediately get to work on helping those starving, shabbily dressed kids in Africa…

Right after I bought myself one of those solid platinum smart phones like the type the bad guy has in a Bond film – right before Bond kisses the bad guy’s girlfriend and leaps into the bad guy’s stainless steel Lamborghini – which just happens to have the keys in it. And as soon as I got my platinum smart phone, I would conference call a team of helpers to fly over to Africa in advance of my arrival, to start feeding and clothing those needy, half-naked kids.

With a billion dollars, just think about how many disadvantaged kids in Africa I could help. And I would rush to their rescue on my sweet new 100-foot luxury yacht, complete with its own surfing pool – oh, and a helipad – so that my new celebrity friends could drop in as my yacht is cruising the Pacific Ocean, somewhere between Vanuatu and Tonga – which, now that I think of it, probably have a lot of kids who could use some food and clothing, too.

You see, if I win the next Powerball jackpot, I believe in giving back to those who are far needier than I – so long as they give this post a Like on Facebook, otherwise they’re dead to me. Those starving, stark naked kids are my Number One priority, absolutely… once I get my first billion dollars…

Number one, that is, right after I buy myself a couple of masterpiece paintings. I’m thinking perhaps an original Picasso. I’m really not all that particular as to which one – so long as it has a woman with at least three eyes and four breasts. It would go nicely in my man cave next to my Seahawks lava lamp.

But as soon as that painting is in place and my indoor bowling alley is built, I’ll be on the phone lickety-split, making sure nothing gets in the way of my helping those poor starving kids wherever the heck they are…

Powerball jackpot - hover cartOh, and my own wild animal park. Nothing too fancy. Just big enough for all my elephants, giraffes, zebras and lions to roam around in – oh and one of those cool safari lodges where your bed is under the stars, and you have Tiki torches – with armed guards to make sure no rhinos attack while you’re sleeping. Maybe I could hire some of those starving kids to guard the perimeter.

And once I have bought all of these necessities, nothing will keep me from placing a few calls to see if someone can airlift a couple crates of corn or millet or maybe some Huggies to those kids in Peru or Cambodia or West Virginia or wherever they are.

My point is, I care about the kids. Not sure which country’s kids at the moment, but it will come to me later. I just hope I win the next billion-dollar Powerball jackpot. Because I have some great ideas for how to use all that dough to buy some incredibly awesome toys – um, for the kids. It’s all about the kids.

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4K Glossy News PODCAST 027 (1-25-16)

4K Glossy News PODCAST 027 (1-25-16)

The podcast is back with more, and now, with even more original than ever before.

All of this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.

Here are the topics covered in the the January 25th, 2016 4K/UHD podcast.

* Amy Schumer is in the news for alleged joke stealing, but the claims have since been scaled back. She’s not the first comic to steal jokes, it’s actually quite wide spread, and she certainly won’t be the last.

* What would you do if you won a million or a billion dollars? When I was a kid my dreams weren’t big, but they sure were to me. There was only one thing I wanted if I won the lottery.

* Three reasons movie theaters will not die and why that’s a very good thing.

* Have you ever applied for a job you were perfectly qualified for but never stood a chance? Well, there is a reason that happens sometimes, and I know because I’ve been the guy on the winning side of it more than once.

* How to finally buy a coffee pot that won’t die on you in a year or two.

* Review of the Netflix exclusive “The Ridiculous 6” starring Adam Sandler, Terry Crews, Taylor Lautner, Rob Schneider, Vanilla Ice and way too many more to list. I actually enjoyed it.

* Profile of a true Reddit Karma Whore.

Listen to it



Or you can download it by right-clicking and selecting “save as” right here. It’s also available on iTunes.

Watch it on YouTube



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Segment bumpers and background music by Greg the Hero. Royalty Free Music “Your Call,” “Sneaky Snitch,” “Upbeat Forever,” “Crowd Hammer,” and “Funkorama” by Kevin MacLeod — Incompetech.com. 4K/UHD Backgrounds by Amitai Angor AA VFX www.youtube.com/dvdangor2011.

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Expanded Release of Free Religious Satire Compilation: ‘I Shouldn’t Do God!’ (2/2)

Expanded Release of Free Religious Satire Compilation: ‘I Shouldn’t Do God!’ (2/2)

6. A Z GRIMSBY SLAYS THE DRAGON

Ain’t no atheist like a disenchantment-community atheist…? Well,  an outraged A Z Grimsby does indeed insist on holding forth on the purely irrational and frivolously superstitious basis of children’s toys, especially cuddly fictive animals.

I mean take dragons for example, they may be cuddly and funny and comfy and gloriously colored, flamboyantly patterned, and so on.

But they have absolutely nothing whatsoever, nothing IN THE LEAST to do with science as we now understand it.

Yes, well, if you tell your children that there MIGHT JUST be such a thing as a dragon, even leaving the question slightly open, you are giving the irrationalists an inch…

And they will undoubtedly take a mile. Or indeed ten!

Continue Reading

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Expanded Release of Free Religious Satire Compilation: ‘I Shouldn’t Do God!’ (1/2)

Expanded Release of Free Religious Satire Compilation: ‘I Shouldn’t Do God!’ (1/2)

I’ve recently re-released the first volume of my fake news satire compilation series, Wallace Runnymede Satire Catastrophes. More Wallace Runnymede Satire Catastrophes volumes will follow from Spring 2016 onwards. But for now, volume 1, I Shouldn’t Do God, is a somewhat expanded one in comparison to the earlier version of this same first volume of this exciting ongoing series. And it’s free too!

Also, I have recently managed to get Reflections In & Out of Season, the accompanying volume to The Great Flâneur Massacre, brought down to free again too. And as for The Great Flâneur Massacre, this is still 99 cents, or similar in other currencies, depending on the location of the vendor! These latter two books are also available from the same ebook outlets as below. See more information at: http://wallacerunnymede.com/category/ebooks-2/

1. WHY SHOULDN’T I DO GOD?

My recent tribute essay to Charlie Hebdo, serialised on Glossy News. Links to Glossy News originals for each of the instalments here, and links to the Wallace Runnymede republication of the essay here.

2. UNPRECEDENTED VATICAN SCANDAL: GERMAN INFIDEL CANONIZED

The Vatican, like the Pope, should be infallible, but what happens when even infallible institutions slip up the odd time, and canonize people who have no right in hell to such an accolade?

If this is to stand, we might have to canonize other great, virtuous and saintly figures such as:

Buddha, Quetzalcoatl, Sri Krishna, Mungai, Amaterasu, Laozi, Adi Shankara, Hercules, Guru Nanak, the Dalai Lama, Elmer Gantry, Arius, Sabellius, Basilides, Valentinus, Simon Magus, Martin Luther…

3. DALAI LAMA SUES CANON WELBY

Continue Reading

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9/12/2001 – The Days After Cheney Became President – Part 21

9/12/2001 – The Days After Cheney Became President – Part 21

9/12/2001
THE DAYS AFTER CHENEY BECAME PRESIDENT
The Rumsfeld Synopsis
Part
(A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments – After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is made the leader of the country. He begins immediately to make changes.

– – – – – – – – –

Rumsfeld took the news surprisingly well. His dismissal had been engineered so carefully that it came as no insult, although it was a bit embarrassing to the old man. But he knew that it was getting to be time to go out to pasture. He had worked hard enough in his life that he could now enjoy the fruits of his labor. He knew that with all the sudden changes in the world that a younger man was perhaps needed to take care of things. He guessed that Bolton had been chosen to push through any agenda Cheney wanted, something that Rumsfeld himself was getting too old to do. Continue Reading

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Pre-launch of  ‘Neocon Surveillance’ Site Jan 21! Plus Another War & Peace Story on Glossy News…

Pre-launch of ‘Neocon Surveillance’ Site Jan 21! Plus Another War & Peace Story on Glossy News…

The pre-launch for Neocon Surveillance has just been accomplished! The site can be found here: http://neoconsurveillance.blogspot.co.uk/

This site is devoted to mainstream (centre left through centre right, or vice versa!) critique and satire of neoconservativism, liberal interventionism, responsibility to protect, and general self-serving warmongering and opportunism. If you wish to write for this site, please drop your co-irritants a line: wallacerunnymede@gmail.com, appleseedike@gmail.com

Better still, Jan 21 is just the preliminary pre-launch, to give a taster of the site. The full launch will be on 1 March 2016, with a wide array of articles! In terms of genres and styles, we will be very pluralistic: opinion pieces, fake news, poetry, cartoons, personal reflections, and more! We are open to a wide range of contributions. If you are not sure, just ask! We are very open-minded in general about genres and styles, as well as about opinions, although in order to maintain the quite specific character and integrity of the site, we do ask that contributors are committed to either pacifism or non-interventionism. (Both are equally suitable for our purposes here at Neocon Surveillance. Again, if you aren’t sure what this might entail, just ask!)

See also the companion site, http://neoconsurveillancenetwork.blogspot.co.uk/ Continue Reading

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Conspiracy Theories #4 – Enough To Write A Book About

Conspiracy Theories #4 – Enough To Write A Book About

Conspiracy Theories #4 – Enough To Write A Book About

Conspiracy Theories is the hard hitting website that isn’t afraid to investigate and expose the dark forces that seek to prey in so many devious ways upon the general publicum. We are here because you need us! We are ever vigilant against those evil people, organizations, nations and cultures that are out to handicap and repress our great American lifestyle.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
The following are the dark, sinister plots we have uncovered this week:

Conspiracy Theory #9204 – You expect threats from enemies overseas. You expect them from drug gangs, from international racketeering outfits, from hate groups and religious fanatics. But you don’t expect them from your nearest neighbor, someone you trusted for years and built a relationship with. But you should.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that nearest and dearest neighbor of ours has turned out to be a Brutus, stabbing us in the back even as it smiles in our face. Dear readers, it is with the most extreme of difficulty and regret that we here at Conspiracy Theories must inform you that Canada, our brother to the north, has been running a threat to our well being that has gone on for some time now.
And what, pray tell, could those soft spoken, seemingly well balanced and happy Kanucks possibly have done to us, you ask?
Movable borders.

 

Yes, movable borders.

Something the Mexicans never thought of.

For decades our so-called neighbors to the north have been going out at night an digging deep at the foundations of the minimal fence we have separating us and, once free of its base, moving it a few feet further south every night.
Ingenious!
So far our bastardly border bandit has managed to gain three miles of true blue American soil that can now be called true red Canadian. Several farm owners have awakened one morning to find themselves the citizens of another country and been forced to give allegiance to them. The Kanucks are even so under handed as to uproot the U.S. sentry posts with the sentries sleeping inside and move them imperceptibly a few meters south (we must use meters here as that is the only measurement that the Kanucks understand).
American officials finally got wise to this outrageous scam when the Bargemont, Idaho post office suddenly found itself in Alberta.
Tense negotiations have gone on in the days since the discovery of this fiasco between Canadian and U.S. border authorities, but have come to nothing. The Canadians just say “the borders have always been there” while glancing wistfully up into the air and start humming the Canadian anthem to themselves. Americans who find themselves trapped on the other side often do not protest their plight as the men are bribed with having any slender, well rounded Canadian damsel they want and the Yank women with having any hunky Canadian male they want with a case of domestic Scotch thrown in.
More on this as it develops.

Conspiracy Theory #6583 – A number of Mexican food manufacturers have conspired to infiltrate the very bodies we live in here in America and make our lives thereby miserable.
The beans used in many popular Mexican dishes has long been know to create gaseous disturbances once on the road to digestion in our innards. ‘Tooting’ is a well known companion at Mexican food festivities. Truly evil Mexican burrito creators are purposely using new hybrid beans with a higher gas content that would wreck havoc with American intestinal systems.
Besides the bowel distress there is also the intense embarrassment suffered by taco quaffers around the country. Many gourmets have been experiencing loud gaseous eruptions in such noise sensitive areas as church, board meetings, school classes, being in a crowded hot tub, and while giving birth. The new beans are so potent that even the popular anti-gas pill Beano does little to deter the tooting that triumphantly announces itself.

Conspiracy Theory #7483 – An economic conglomerate of chain stores across America have formed an evil alliance of greed that seeks to saturate the shopping sprees of sales seekers at stores and supermarkets across the nation. Being evilly aware of the slow economy and its effect upon the already downtrodden working and middle classes of America, the conglomerate still seeks to squeeze every penny possible out of them by requiring every customer to have credit card sized shopping cards in order to get discounts on sale items.
All chain stores now have these annoying little testaments to selfishness and penny pinching. They are proving detrimental to the shopping public as they add extra stress to the shoppee’s involved. There is the last minute checkout line search through dozens of other cards at the cashier while the other customers in line fume at the time wasted resulting in fistfights and vile words yelled in frustration. The bulging wallet that is the result of having to carry so many different cards also makes an easier target for pickpockets.
Accumulated also is the wealth of information the chain store reps garner with everyone who foolishly signs up for a card. They get your telephone number, your address, your email, how many times a week you do up the wife, how close to the age of consent your most eligible daughter is, where you hide your wallet at night, what nights of the week your son is doing up drugs at the local rave party, and, if they are lucky, your Social Security number.
State representatives throughout America have already attempted to bring about legislation aimed at limiting the number of such cards required at stores, but have been thwarted by the growing numbers of store card lobbyists out to protect the industry and the evil alliance they have formed.

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4K Glossy News PODCAST 026 (1-18-16)

4K Glossy News PODCAST 026 (1-18-16)

The podcast is back with more, and now, with even more original than ever before.

All of this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.

Here are the topics covered in the the January 18th, 2016 4K/UHD podcast.

* Who actually works 9 to 5? That’s only eight hours. Do you get a lunch or is this a myth we’ve been taught? Continue Reading

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Til Death Hairdo Us Part: Trump’s Hair Speaks at Condom Conference

Til Death Hairdo Us Part: Trump’s Hair Speaks at Condom Conference

Warren, Michigan – Donald Trump’s body may no longer be a living entity, but his hair, a combination of locks, tresses and curls, continues to carry on the great legacy of the man who will forever be known as the front-runner of the 2016 presidential election until he succumbed to death in a game of Battleship against Nancy Pelosi last week. Trump’s hair most recently spoke at the Chris Christie Condom Conference held on Friday afternoon that was sponsored by Republican Chris Christie’s presidential campaign. Trump and Christie, competitors in the upcoming election, remained close friends and were together at the time of his passing.

“Donald was always a fan of safe sex,” Trump’s hair stated as it magically floated like a butterfly on the stage at the popular Riverside Theater on Elm Street. Regarded as “Mr. Trump,” the hair has continued to run business as usual, following in the footsteps of its longtime host and owner. “He had the same answer for ISIS as he did for keeping sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) at bay. Put a highly durable latex coating over it,” Mr. Trump added, while pointing to a poster on the wall behind him containing the fifty shades of great condoms. Continue Reading

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Open Letter to Glenn Greenwald: Greenwald & the Ghostly-Chilling Effects (3/3)

Open Letter to Glenn Greenwald: Greenwald & the Ghostly-Chilling Effects (3/3)

All in all, I’m very relieved The Intercept never got back to me about that speculative CV. Perhaps I dodged a bullet there! It is evidently beneath Glenn Greenwald to say ‘Je Suis Charlie.’ So I am glad that, professionally speaking, I will never have to endure the rank humiliation of saying #JeSuis Intercept.’

Glenn, you are a person of quite astounding talent and passion. It’s just such a pity you seem to risk ruining your legacy. If you are for freedom of speech, as you claim, then you must be for it consistently. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Top Stories0 Comments

A3 Song Parody: Torybums Said

A3 Song Parody: Torybums Said

The original song by A3 quotes texts which have made available by the Jonestown Foundation. Jim Jones was a fanatic. It’s also fanatical to gut welfare when so much money is wasted on pointless vanity projects. Next time UK elects a Prime Minister, hopefully it will be a government with more character.
***

Pray don’t ever say we are your enemies. My noble benevolence has practically caused me to just get you destroyed. If I had squeezed you a little more, just a little bit more, we would have had a little less trouble.

Yes, you have a social conscience. Idealism! But don’t say ‘Dearest Tory-bums is my enemy!’ Eh? What’s that, oh do calm down, darling. Hearken unto me, chicken: ‘Greed is my enemy and I’ve got to fight for liberty day and night!’ And, ‘what else is death, other than liberty’ is the line. Liberty is the only way?

UTTER PIGGY-POO! FIDDLESTICKS, OLD BEAN! William Tyndale died for his liberty! Emmeline Pankhurst died for her liberty! The pleb scum of Wat Tyler died roaring about balderdash the rustic filth just couldn’t understand, and they never even stood their ground! Hacked down by the sword! Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Music0 Comments

Open Letter to Glenn Greenwald: Greenwald & the Ghostly-Chilling Effects (2/3)

Open Letter to Glenn Greenwald: Greenwald & the Ghostly-Chilling Effects (2/3)

Did you know that Greenwald once addressed CAIR,  which latter has been accused by the FBI of links to Hamas and the Muslim Brotherhood?

And did you also know that Greenwald writes, apparently without a trace of irony, about ‘the military coup (sic!) against the democratically elected Egyptian government of the Muslim Brotherhood’ (sic!)?

Presumably, this is not to be confused with the ‘democratically elected’ government of Germany, the National Socialists. Or how about the Ukrainian coup, or dare I say, ‘regime change?’ See this on some apparently unproven allegations that some have made about The Intercept’s billionaire funder Omidyar, and Greenwald’s consummately feeble rationalization, which will be perfectly convincing… Continue Reading

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