Month: June 2014
Hillary Clinton Reveals She Was Original Member of “The Beverly Hillbillies”
New York City – Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton came out of the poor house long enough today, on her current book tour, to confess to the world how hard her life has been. She and former President Clinton…
Former First Lady Hilary Clinton Admits She and Bill Were Homeless After the White House
In a shocking revelation, former First Ladt Hilary Clinton admits she and her husband were ‘homeless’ after leaving the White House. “We were trying to squeak by on Bill’s pension while trying to pay for Chelsea’s education and we just…
NRA Buys Chinese Knife Companies To Corner Mass Murder Market In Mainland China
The NRA, in a startling move, has bought up several mainland Chinese knife firms to encourage their nationals use of guns rather than knives. China has recently suffered a number of knife attacks at train stations and other public places…
Support the Troops: US Troops to Be Quartered in Private Homes
WASHINGTON – The Obama Administration announced today its new policy of quartering US troops and domestic security agents in private residences “for the safety of the people in these dangerous times.” Known as “Support the Troops,” President Obama himself announced…
Seth MacFarlane’s Penis Found Dead
Seth MacFarlane, creator of such ground-breaking animated hits as “Family Guy” and “American Dad” discovered his own badly decomposed penis dead in a ravine in rural Arizona. MacFarlane had reported his penis missing a week earlier. He stumbled upon it…
Open Carry Texas Opens Fire, Saves Lives at San Antonio Sonic
Gun Rights Activists flaunting their 2nd Amendment rights were in the right place at the right time yesterday when they courageously exchanged gunfire in a Houston based Sonic fast food restaurant and saved several restaurant goers the fate of high…
U.S. Employers Look to Increase Productivity By Hiring More Human Centipedes
WASHINGTON — Following the U.S. Department of Labor’s recent report that employee productivity fell 3.2 percent in the first quarter of 2014, many companies are looking to overcome such weak proletariat performance by investing in the hiring of more human…
President Obama Orchestrates Worst Trade in History of Trades
Washington, D.C. – Most people consider the Boston Red Sox trade of future baseball god Babe Ruth for a cash loan to finance the No, No, Nanette musical to be the worst trade of all time. But No, No, Nanette,…
Facebook Funeral for Computer Game Enthusiast
TOLEDO – Zed Rigby, 65, a life-long computer game enthusiast, died in his home in Toledo, Ohio last Monday. Mr. Rigby leaves behind no family or actual friends, but a number of his virtual friends are now engaged in virtual…
Federal Reserve: “We Can Print Dollars Forever”
WASHINGTON – Federal Reserve chair Janet Yellen yesterday affirmed her confidence that the Federal Reserve Bank can “print dollars forever.” Yellen stated at the National Press Club: “The Federal Reserve can expand its balance sheet indefinitely. We are prepared to…