Gun Rights Activists flaunting their 2nd Amendment rights were in the right place at the right time yesterday when they courageously exchanged gunfire in a Houston based Sonic fast food restaurant and saved several restaurant goers the fate of high cholesterol and clogged arteries.
There’s no telling how many people were saved as several young white men with long guns strapped to their back unleashed several hundred rounds of bullets into an unknown number of Sonic Burgers and value meals. Several Sonic Shakes were also gunned to their deaths.
“The scene inside was drastic,” said San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro, who is no relation – that we can prove – to Fidel. “The floor was covered in what looked like blood, but my press secretary has just informed me that it’s only ketchup. Food was everywhere, but thankfully no one was hurt.”
The chaos began when the vigilante sect was asked to leave by management, due to the level of discomfort their long guns and rifles were posing to the customers already dining when they arrived. One woman took their pictures with her iPhone and called them names, while another Activist noticed something threatening on her table.
“She was basically just cussing us out, saying we should think of the children and that our penises are small when out of the corner of my eye I spotted what she was eating. It was a SuperSonic Bacon Double Cheeseburger with mayo. I whipped my semi-automatic ’round and shot it so full of holes the American cheese looked like swiss cheese,” recalled Dwayne Christopher, 25.
The gunman expressed very little, if any remorse over the shooting, except to say, “I hate to shoot anything American, but that slice of cheese was packing 15 grams of cholesterol and 330 grams of sodium by itself.”
As for the burger, it was a legitimate threat at 1240 calories, 790 of them coming from fat. A not so innocent bystander on the table was the angry mother’s fake sugar laced 24 oz Diet Coke. “Nevermind the aspartame, the caramel coloring’s carcinogens alone were killing her before my eyes,” said Christopher.
Before anyone could eat other greasy french fry, Christopher’s fellow armed diners opened fire on the rest of the patron’s un-nutritious meals. Among those unhappy meals killed in the slaughter were: a Large Sonic Blast topped with Oreo cookies… and a few shell casings (1780 calories/840 fat calories), a crispy chicken wrap (57 grams of carbohydrates), a CroiSonic Breakfast with sausage (650/440), and a 500 calorie 6 inch cheesy bacon wrapped pretzel dog.
Because if there’s one thing that’s really deserves to be shot, it’s pork wrapped in more pork and served in a pretzel.
Spared in the massacre were: two veggie burgers and a pineapple malt spared only because of its high content of vitamin C. In all, 17 meals were shot to death and another 12 wounded beyond the point of being edible.
“I hope this proves to everyone that gun enthusiasts are looking out for the safety of everyone and not just a bunch of nuts with inferiority complexes,” said C.J. Grisham, President of the group, while nervously fidgeting with the safety lock on his weapon.
The NRA, and other gun groups across the nation are applauding the young men, and even some health advocates are calling for loosening gun restrictions so that others might be inclined to protect the community from the real dangers of a bad diet. Senator Dianne Feinstein of California has even amended the bill she’s sponsored to toughen gun control. “Bad eating habits contribute to the rising costs of healthcare in this nation. For this reason, I am replacing the language in my bill to ban fast food instead of assault weapons.”
Sonic President Clifford Hudson, meanwhile, takes issue with the group’s actions, insisting that his company’s food didn’t deserve to be singled out. “The Monster Thickburger has 1420 calories. Go shoot up Hardee’s.”
Sources say he has a lawsuit pending.