Posted in Human Interest

Josh Romney Races to Save Car from Fiery Crash

Josh Romney, third eldest son of Mitt Romney, is home safe today after his heroic rescue of a vehicle that flew past him at a high rate of speed, crashing into the kitchen of a home in Holladay, Utah on…

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Posted in Sports Sportsfolk

Thanksgiving Holiday Raises Age-Old Family Question: What is Football?

Aunt Marjorie is still at the table, Uncle Dave is in the den screaming about God knows what, and all the kids are jacked up on pumpkin pie. Yes, it’s football/Thanksgiving season once again. But what is football? Some Americans…

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Posted in Society

Thanksgiving Found Battered, Beaten In Back Alley; Police Clueless

The holiday of Thanksgiving was found badly beaten in a back alley today. The holiday, which has been waning in power and influence in the last decade, is now virtually homeless and forgotten as it has been minimized by the…

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Posted in Religionism

Orthodox Jewish School Expels 7th Grader Who Can’t Grow Beard

An Orthodox Jewish School in West Florida has expelled a 12-year-old student for not adhering to part of the school’s dress code dealing with grooming. Nathan O’Malley attends Hebrew Jr. High in Pensacola, Florida. According to reports, O’Malley was asked…

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Posted in Human Interest

Parents Nationwide Update Children on Latest Things to Worry About

ACROSS THE NATION—Upon arriving at their parents’ house, sources confirmed they were greeted by their mother with the words, “Glad to see you made it. We’re always hearing about vehicle recalls on the news and you never know what might…

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Posted in Environment

Black Friday Special: Green Bio-Methane Grill

Innovar Products LLC has something for every taste this holiday season. It’s a grill that cooks up your favorite steaks, burgers and even veggie burgers, with 100% natural gas reclaimed from renewable sources. “It’s the greenest thing this side of…

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Posted in Biz News Politics

Dispelling the Myths About Seatac’s $15 Minimum Wage

I’ve been active with the Yes on Prop One (Seatac’s citizen initative to raise minimum wage for airport workers to $15/hr) since I signed the petition. There are a lot of myths and misconceptions out there, so let’s clear them…

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Posted in Politics Society

Stripped of More Constitutionally Sacred Freedoms, Hoosiers View Impending Smoking Ban as No Big Whoop

INDIANAPOLIS – In light of the Indiana Supreme Court’s decision last May declaring it illegal to resist unlawful police entry into their homes and the recently passed National Defense Authorization Act of 2012, a provision of which permits indefinite detention…

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Posted in Human Interest

American Cities Allowing Pigeon Shoots for Poorest Families this Thanksgiving

Some cities hardest hit by the ever-worsening recession have come up with a way to kill two birds with one stone so to speak. They are urging the poorest of their citizens to take aim at the over abundance of…

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Posted in Strange People

Wayne LaPierre, Tormented By Fear Over Gun Deaths, Builds His Own Winchester Mansion

Wayne LaPierre, chief face for the National Rifle Association, has been secretly burdened by the fear of having helped to suppress laws that would have controlled the guns that have been ravaging American society. Knowing that he was instrumental in…

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Posted in Politics

Torontonians Say Mayor Rob Ford’s Scandals Make their City Too Interesting

Dateline: TORONTO—Toronto’s citizens are mortified by the world’s mockery of their Mayor Rob Ford for his many scandals, such as his admitting to having smoked crack cocaine while in office, because they fear Toronto will lose its status as the…

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Posted in Biz News Society

Forget Black Friday, It’s Time for Red, White & Blue Friday

We spend so much time working like hell to spend so much money buying worthless crap made in China to impress people we might not even like. This year, let’s skip the sweatshop goods and buy local to make Christmas…

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Posted in Society Strange People

Thanksgiving Name To Be Changed To ‘Selfish-Taking’.

Thanksgiving, once a proud cornerstone of our traditional American holidays with roots harkening back to our Pilgrim forefathers, is now comatose on the border of rigor mortis. At one time it was considered to be the most family oriented of…

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Posted in Politics

Tribal Antics of Canadian Question Period Melt Face off of Skull, Study Shows

Dateline: OTTAWA—A study headed by Dr. Lawrence Dipplerdoo, medical researcher at McGill University, indicates that excessive exposure to Question Period at the Canadian House of Commons can be fatal. In an interview, Dr. Dipplerdoo said that if you watch all…

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Posted in Society

Grandpa Oblivious That Unformed Bill of Baseball Cap Definitely Upping His Steez

FINDLAY, OHIO — Local 91 Year Old Alfred Wintacki remains oblivious to the fact that the unformed, flat bill of his Cleveland Indians snapback baseball cap is definitely upping his level of steez, several of his great-grandchildren confirmed yesterday.

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Posted in Society

Guy Wearing Funny T-Shirt Must be Funny

SPOKANE, WA—Upon seeing local vending machine assembler Paul Drummond walking down the sidewalk Tuesday, onlookers concluded that Drummond was funny based on the fact that he was wearing a humorous t-shirt. “Why else would he be wearing a shirt like…

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Posted in Travel

Kayak.com Now Offering Tropical Vacations to North Pole

NP-40 DRIFTING ICE STATION, NORTH POLE — Travel-discount website Kayak.com recently launched a new promotional package featuring an all-inclusive, tropical vacation to the North Pole, sources report. According to the website’s homepage, the promotional package offers a six day, five…

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Posted in Politics

Bi-Partisan Summit Ends Aprubtly After Attendees Unable to Agree Who Gets to be the Car in Monopoly

Monopoly strikes again. No, not the kind that FDR broke-up in the 1930s. This is the kind that tears families apart and tests the boundaries of the relationships of the participants involved. This is a game that often ends in…

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Posted in Politics

Tea Party Advocates Destruction of All of America (Except its Golf Courses)

Dateline: WASHINGTON—Senator and reputed Tea Party leader Ted Cruz introduced a resolution to the Senate yesterday, calling for the immolation of all of the United States apart from its golf courses. Speaking in favour of the motion on the congressional…

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Posted in Strange People

Abusive Boyfriend Proposes With “Conflict-Free” Diamond to Show He Has Sense of Humor, Too

MADISON, W. VA. — Local 24 Year Old Jeffrey Kiln recently proposed to Ashley Brenevaldi with a certified “conflict-free” diamond ring in an effort to show that, in addition to his constant physically, mentally and emotionally abusive behavior toward his…

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