Month: November 2013
Torontonians Say Mayor Rob Ford’s Scandals Make their City Too Interesting
Dateline: TORONTO—Toronto’s citizens are mortified by the world’s mockery of their Mayor Rob Ford for his many scandals, such as his admitting to having smoked crack cocaine while in office, because they fear Toronto will lose its status as the…
Forget Black Friday, It’s Time for Red, White & Blue Friday
We spend so much time working like hell to spend so much money buying worthless crap made in China to impress people we might not even like. This year, let’s skip the sweatshop goods and buy local to make Christmas…
Thanksgiving Name To Be Changed To ‘Selfish-Taking’.
Thanksgiving, once a proud cornerstone of our traditional American holidays with roots harkening back to our Pilgrim forefathers, is now comatose on the border of rigor mortis. At one time it was considered to be the most family oriented of…
Tribal Antics of Canadian Question Period Melt Face off of Skull, Study Shows
Dateline: OTTAWA—A study headed by Dr. Lawrence Dipplerdoo, medical researcher at McGill University, indicates that excessive exposure to Question Period at the Canadian House of Commons can be fatal. In an interview, Dr. Dipplerdoo said that if you watch all…
Grandpa Oblivious That Unformed Bill of Baseball Cap Definitely Upping His Steez
FINDLAY, OHIO — Local 91 Year Old Alfred Wintacki remains oblivious to the fact that the unformed, flat bill of his Cleveland Indians snapback baseball cap is definitely upping his level of steez, several of his great-grandchildren confirmed yesterday.
Guy Wearing Funny T-Shirt Must be Funny
SPOKANE, WA—Upon seeing local vending machine assembler Paul Drummond walking down the sidewalk Tuesday, onlookers concluded that Drummond was funny based on the fact that he was wearing a humorous t-shirt. “Why else would he be wearing a shirt like…
Kayak.com Now Offering Tropical Vacations to North Pole
NP-40 DRIFTING ICE STATION, NORTH POLE — Travel-discount website Kayak.com recently launched a new promotional package featuring an all-inclusive, tropical vacation to the North Pole, sources report. According to the website’s homepage, the promotional package offers a six day, five…
Bi-Partisan Summit Ends Aprubtly After Attendees Unable to Agree Who Gets to be the Car in Monopoly
Monopoly strikes again. No, not the kind that FDR broke-up in the 1930s. This is the kind that tears families apart and tests the boundaries of the relationships of the participants involved. This is a game that often ends in…
Tea Party Advocates Destruction of All of America (Except its Golf Courses)
Dateline: WASHINGTON—Senator and reputed Tea Party leader Ted Cruz introduced a resolution to the Senate yesterday, calling for the immolation of all of the United States apart from its golf courses. Speaking in favour of the motion on the congressional…
Abusive Boyfriend Proposes With “Conflict-Free” Diamond to Show He Has Sense of Humor, Too
MADISON, W. VA. — Local 24 Year Old Jeffrey Kiln recently proposed to Ashley Brenevaldi with a certified “conflict-free” diamond ring in an effort to show that, in addition to his constant physically, mentally and emotionally abusive behavior toward his…