Month: September 2013
Forgetful Bush ‘Still Occasionally Turning Up to White House Unannounced’
WASHINGTON D.C. – Sources in Washington D.C. have confirmed that former U.S. President George W. Bush is still forgetfully turning up to the White House unnanounced. He was seen this morning idly walking around the grounds of the White House,…
African Dictator Unveils Plan to Combat AIDS Epidemic: ‘Let Them All Starve’
HARARE, ZIMBABWE – Following an emergency meeting with senior members of his ZANU PF Party, longtime ruler of Zimbabwe Robert Mugabe unveiled bold new plans Friday to alleviate the country’s growing AIDS outbreak, declaring: “they must all starve.” Opting to…
Synchronized Suicide Attacks were Actually a ‘Botched Flash Mob’
BAGHDAD – The Pentagon has learned that an April 18 synchronized suicide attack on a marketplace in central Baghdad was the result of a botched flash mob, thought to have been organized by a group of prankster insurgents. According to…
Prince Charles Concedes Queen Never Ever Going to Die
LONDON – Rumors have spread that during celebrations for Queen Elizabeth II’s Diamond Jubilee, heir apparent Prince Charles has finally conceded that the ruling British monarch is just never, ever going to bloody die. Attending the festivities last year –…
NFL Footballers Sue Their Sugar Daddy For Head Injuries – Woosies, Wimps
Former professional football players have just announced that they are seeking millions of dollars in damages due to injuries that have resulted from head concussions that have occurred from playing the game. The NFL stands to pay out 765 MILLION…
FBI Agent Believes Mary Kennedy ‘May Have Acted Alone’
WESTCHESTER, NY – Despite inevitable conspiracy theories to the contrary, an FBI agent heading up a preliminary investigation into the apparent suicide of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s estranged wife Mary Kennedy believes that Mrs Kennedy may have acted alone. Federal…
Scientists Embarrassed To Have Just Now Found World’s Largest Volcano
TOKYO — Geologists working with the Institute of Really Obvious Shit (IROS) sheepishly admitted yesterday that they have just now found the world’s largest volcano. According to Lead Researcher Dr. Cataract, “It’s a big ol’ fucker, too. Not sure how…
We Won: Seatac Minimum Wage Initiative Restored to November Ballot
SeaTac voters celebrate win: State Court of Appeals orders SeaTac Proposition 1 back on November ballot Today, September 6th, 2013, with only two hours to spare before the King County Election board’s cutoff for printing, Proposition 1 to raise minimum…
Declassified Letters Reveal Bin Laden A Truly Beautiful, Gifted Writer
WASHINGTON D.C. – A collection of declassified letters written by the late al Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden, has revealed that the mastermind behind the September 11 attacks was a surprisingly beautiful and disciplined writer. According to researchers at the…
Nutritionist Predicts 80% of Mississippi Population Will Die by 2018
Current statistics show that the people of Mississippi are the fattest in the nation weighing in at an average of 197 lbs. for a 5’8” person. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that their diets play a…