Month: September 2013
Local Man Heartbreakingly Proficient at Preparing Single Serving Frozen Dinners
DENVER—Resident mortgage loan processing clerk Gordon Holcomb discussed with reporters on Tuesday the fact that he has become highly skilled at microwaving frozen dinners intended exclusively for a forlorn, solitary soul. Correspondents winced as Holcomb described in excruciating detail the…
Laying Off Researchers a Bad Idea, Confirm Researchers
WASHINGTON—Amid news that federal budget cuts are set to cause a number of additional layoffs in the fields of research and science, several reports surfaced asserting that such cuts are “really not a good idea” and to “not do that.”…
Big Business Attempts to Steal My Vote, Steels My Resolve
Seatac has an initiative that may or may not be on the ballot this November, thanks to activist judge Andrea Darvas. They’ve tried like hell to usurp my voting right, but I’m still here, guys. READ ALSO: • SeaTac Minimum…
Miley Cyrus Stoned For Being A Whore in Saudi Arabia
The private jet of Miley Cyrus, the young formerly squeaky clean Mouseketeer turned rich white trash singer, developed electrical problems flying back from a concert in India and was forced to make an emergency landing in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. The…
Assad agrees to cooperate in “symbolic strike” against Syria
The Assad regime in Syria today agreed to cooperate in a “symbolic strike” against itself. “We understand the need for the U.S. to maintain its prestige and credibility,” said a Syrian government official, on condition of anonymity, “and if bombing…