Prince Charles Concedes Queen Never Ever Going to Die

LONDON – Rumors have spread that during celebrations for Queen Elizabeth II’s Diamond Jubilee, heir apparent Prince Charles has finally conceded that the ruling British monarch is just never, ever going to bloody die.

Attending the festivities last year – which marked 60 years since the Queen took to the throne upon the death of her father, George VI – Charles cut a forlorn figure, as it slowly dawned on him that he will, in all likelihood, never get to be king.

Appearing “extremely pensive” as a 41- gun salute rang out across the Tower of London, the Prince of Wales reportedly told dignitaries “he was done with all this shit” and exited the proceedings shortly after.

“We were very taken aback,” said palace aid, Sir Hugh Pearson. “All morning long, the Prince seemed utterly dejected about something. As he was boarding his carriage, I believe I heard him whisper something about how “that damn woman is indestructible”, or something to that effect.”

It is not known whether Charles will return for the remaining three days of festivities, however, according to a Royal spokesman, the Prince was seen “manically chopping logs” on the grounds of Clarence House Saturday afternoon.

“It was really weird. He just kept laying into that wood and crying out “well, I don’t want to be king anyway!” A couple of us had to put a stop to it in the end.”

Meanwhile, Charles’s son William – himself second in line to the throne – conceded Saturday that “the Queen might just sodding outlive us all.”

Author: Laurence Brown

Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.