Synchronized Suicide Attacks were Actually a ‘Botched Flash Mob’

BAGHDAD – The Pentagon has learned that an April 18 synchronized suicide attack on a marketplace in central Baghdad was the result of a botched flash mob, thought to have been organized by a group of prankster insurgents.

According to intelligence reports, the attack, which killed 44 people and injured 16 more, was originally devised as a seemingly spontaneous and large-scale rendition of U2’s Sweetest Thing. However, pyrotechnic equipment – specifically designed for the flash mob’s intended crescendo – was “accidentally wired with explosives.”

“It looked, at first, as if we were dealing with another heinous attack on Iraqi civilians,” said U.S. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta. “But it would appear that those who carried out these supposed attacks were in fact second-year performing arts students looking to gain extra credit. It’s… it’s an awful tragedy in hindsight.”

Among those killed in the flash mob, which students from Baghdad University had been “valiantly rehearsing for over four weeks”, was Ali al-Mahadar, a 19-year-old cello player who was set to perform a serene instrumental version of the 1998 worldwide hit.

However, just seconds after completing what military personnel now believe to have been a routine tune-up, al-Mahadar’s body parts were blown clean off, killing several civilians within his vicinity.

Meanwhile, an investigation is underway to determine what caused the explosives to detonate, ruining what many experts believe would have been the most exciting street performance in Iraqi history.

Author: Laurence Brown

Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.