Month: December 2010
Sarah Palin’s Mojo Explained by Voodoo Research
Scientists researching the phenomena of Politically Incorrect Mass Propaganda Syndrome (PIMPS) announced a breakthrough into the biggest question of 2010: “What makes Sarah Palin perpetually politically relevant?” After statistically modeling data from thousands of successful people, researchers contend that the…
U.S. Gov’t Plays “Whack-a-Mole” to Combat Online Piracy
In a futile effort to combat file-sharing, the ICE (a division of the DHS) has begun whacking down websites suspected of copyright infringement. So far, the score is 70, 75, or 76, depending on who’s counting. A spokesman for the…
Boy 14, Cracks Skull in Attempt to Board Hogwarts Express
London, England (Glossy News) – Paramedics arrived at London King’s Cross Railway Station on September 1st at 11:13 a.m. after a teenage boy of fourteen years cracked his scull in an attempt to get to platform 9¾ from the very…
Glossy News Guide: The Five People You Will Meet In Hell
DETROIT, Mich. (Glossy News) — Coming years after the much lauded success of his beloved novel, “The Five People You Meet In Heaven,” author Mitch Albom now returns to the best seller charts with “The Five People You Meet In…
Palin Develops Warts On Her Nose- Her Career Tanks
In a horrifying situation that would destroy the morale of many political pundits, Republican spokeswoman Sarah Palin has developed hideous warts on her face. Since their appearance Ms. Palin’s polls have dropped drastically. Statisticians estimate that the normally sexy and…
NPR to Use FOX Tactics to Survive In Modern US Media Climate
The recent Juan Williams firing scandal has led National Public Radio to realize that they need to develop more FOX News type media tactics if they are to survive. A radical top to bottom make-over has been ordered for the…
‘Wannabe’ Terrorist Punk’d In Portland… Aw, Snap
PORTLAND, Ore GlossyNews.com — Taking their cue from the genius of Ashton Kutcher, the FBI staged an elaborate prank on a Corvallis, OR teenager who thought he was part of a Jihadist plot to kill Christmas. Mohamed Osman Mohamud, 19,…
Republicants Show True Colors- Let Poor Die From Lack Of Healthcare But Let Rich Keep Tax Breaks.
U.S. Gastronomical Travel Guide For Gourmet Zombies
Fans of brains everywhere, rejoice! Here is the first in-print guide to fine brain dining wherever you may be in the US. Our ghoulish researchers have spent many dark, moonlit nights partaking of the cuisine available throughout this great land….
Bush’s Secret: Sears was Target
WILLIS TOWER LOBBY, CHICAGO (Glossy News)—Former Pres G.W. Bush, who prefers to be known as W, visited Chicago to promote his forgettable memoir, My Distant Points: As Opposed to 41’s Vision Thing the other day. In what his press release…