WILLIS TOWER LOBBY, CHICAGO (Glossy News)—Former Pres G.W. Bush, who prefers to be known as W, visited Chicago to promote his forgettable memoir, My Distant Points: As Opposed to 41’s Vision Thing the other day. In what his press release alluded to as a wide ranging open press discussion, he said that he understood that Sears was afraid of becoming Target and that is why it left the tower. Or as W wrote in his book, “Sears pulled an Elvis.”
“I’m told that the building is now known as the Willis Tower,” W (or Dubya, as pronounced by his Southern friends) said when asked by the pool reporter, “due to the fact that Sears sold its interest in its 112-story store on N. Wacker.”
He paused, with a surprised look and began laughing loudly. “Now I just got the joke here! Hey that’s really funny, I think! The Chicago skyline has its own willie! Get it? An architecture penis — and it’s on Wacker! Get it?
“As they say on the Tweets, ROFLMAO!” he snickered.
“Anyway, I heard that they were doing great business in this place until up-and-comin’ Target made the scene with a swarm of 3-story neighborhood shops, parking included. Then all hell broke in 2001 and those Target boys said, and quoting my famous decision line here, ‘Bring ’em on.’ ”
When asked for in-depth details on this new and amazing retail changeover theory, Dubya said, “It’s simple to me, a lot of people who were born in this country, and now have chosen to live on this country, weren’t born September 11th. On that date in 2001, I am told by my intelligence that this Sears store became a Target, a genuine Target.”
Dubya continued when he saw the still quizzical look on the pool reporter’s face gathered for the conference, “Hey, I was in a grade school in Florida reading to the kids when it all came down. But my guys at ComSyncPac, or somewhere, verified that the leaders of al-Qaida they arrested said that this very Sears store was on at least one terrorist list as a Target. Bin Laden knew this stuff before we did.”
Relaxing and smiling, he said, “Helen, you know that many in this room think this day was called my scar of the heart. That was as big a bang as all outdoors. Now here today, almost 10 years later, we are at risk of my 9/11 becoming another Pearl Harbor if we don’t do something. If it drops to that, it will soon be a distinct memory and that’s something that I cannot stand for.”
Pounding on the podium, he raised his voice and said, “If the country won’t honor my presidency with a national holiday on my birthday, then I want 9/11 to become a national holiday. My decision legacy won’t allow me to become just another telephone number never to be dialed again.”
He stopped and took out a pen and note book. “I have to write that down before I forget I said it. That line could be the title of my second memoir.” (Says each word as he writes ‘…another…telephone…number…never…to…be…dialed…again’). “My editor says maybe another book will come out of this tour I am on. Do you believe it? Those kinds of things just pop into my head all day long.”
Then continuing, “Where was I? Oh, right. I’m seriously worried that this day in infamy, the only day in my presidency where our country was physically attacked, will become just another distant memory. That’s the precise reason I wrote this book. I don’t want me to be forgotten.”
Sensing the need for a bit of comic relief, he said, “Honey, my book could be remaindered. My publishers won’t have that. I’ve got too much riding on this deal.”
Acknowledging his repeat, Dubya said “I know I am repeating myself here, but it is important to history’s view of my presidency that Sears was a Target, a genuine Target. Intelligence really doesn’t lie about this stuff most of the time.”
Chicago’s Mayor For Life, Richard M. Daley, who was sitting in the audience’s front row, smiled at the press woman present and said, “Helen, this is news to me. My police downplayed this report and the 9/11 Commission report also said that Sears was never under threat of becoming a Target. Even Target denied all allegations that they were trying to take over. And this isn’t a 112–floor store for chrissake, it’s an office building.”
Dubya finished with this statement, “The good mayor here responded, and his people responded brilliantly to this huge threat to my presidency. This is one of the most completely interesting examples of my ability to make a decision that will make the history of my legacy as president. You can read about this decision on page 2. Pages 3, 4 and 5 deal with my decisions during the second 4 years. These were painful pages to write I’ll tell you. My editor, one of Rupert’s top guns at Random, was a stickler for facts. He made me rewrite the whole book time and again. That’s why it took so long to be published. Rewrites.”
He turned to leave the podium, but came back. “Hell who am I foolin’ here, pages 6 through 325, which deal with the reference work for the book, are far more interesting than my full 5 pages of decisions.”
As he left the room, he seemed to be patting himself on the back, or maybe it was just a fruit fly buzzing around.