Categorized | Politics, Science

Sarah Palin’s Mojo Explained by Voodoo Research

Sarah Palin’s Mojo Explained by Voodoo Research

Scientists researching the phenomena of Politically Incorrect Mass Propaganda Syndrome (PIMPS) announced a breakthrough into the biggest question of 2010: “What makes Sarah Palin perpetually politically relevant?”

After statistically modeling data from thousands of successful people, researchers contend that the three most predictive variables in determining the unprecedented success of Sarah Palin (as well as other highly successful people) are: a disproportionate sense of worth, significant over-exposure and well developed posterior speech lobes which exponentially increases incidents of “talking out of their ass”.

“These three factors when observed together provide much more than additive effects,” said the enigmatic Dr. Gunter Chang, lead researcher and resident mad scientist at StrangleCorp. Describing an experiment which went totally awry five years ago, Chang believes they actually discovered the three God particles of social manipulation. “Once, we combined the sense of worth of Rush Limbaugh with the over-exposure of Mariah Carey under controlled conditions,” said Chang. .”This created force field we like to call the Aura of Legitimacy. We even made a men’s fragrance out of it…  I’m wearing it now,” said Chang.

“Everything was fine until we added a little too much of the posterior-lobe-vocalization pathways of Randy Quaid…and the entire damned laboratory exploded! By the time the dust settled, we had Glen Beck,” lamented Chang. Beck was unwittingly unleashed on society when he escaped confinement during an attempt to mate him with the Cloverfield Monster. ”Kirstie Alley was heart-broken,” said Chang. “But she did get a movie gig out of the deal.”

Political analyst Dr. Rhett Toric suggests that Sarah Palin is the trifecta of political endurance because of these three magic elements. “People either love her or hate her. Indifference is apparently not an option.” One popular line of reasoning among her supporters is that her foes dislike her so much because she’s a viable candidate. “If that is the case, then she’s going to be running against Kanye West in 2012,” said Dr. Toric. “Of course, the animosity couldn’t have anything to do with either of them being outspoken, abrasive, ill-informed, egotistical and up their own asses to the point of blind delusion,” said Toric.

Not all researchers agree on the conclusions of the PIMPS study. A Miami-based research group composed of former prostitutes suggests Palin’s enduring appeal has its roots in more primal instincts. Researchers for Sexy Language Undermining Television Subliminally (SLUTS) accuse Palin of overtly manipulating voters with all the skills of a street walker. “She’s standing on a televised street corner doing everything but cupping her hand in front of her face and bobbing her head up and down,” said a local hooker involved in the study who doubts Palin’s appeal will endure.

“Sure, she’s down on her knees now, stimulating the core constituency…but after that demographic finally gives up its political load, it’s going to take a while to recover.”

So apparently timing is everything. If Palin’s popularity is to peak in 2012, she’ll probably have to slow down stroking the media, else it’s all liable to just blow up in her face. And which study has it right? It has been reported that one of the two studies will appear in next January’s issue of Bipartisan Issues and Televised Campaign Hyperbola, (BITCH). It has also been reported that the winning research project will receive a $500,000 grant for further study. Dr. Chang is confident the PIMPS project will win out and according to Chang, “BITCH, where’s my money?”

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Deceased and recently reanimated writer lurking around a website near you. The Afterlife has no cable so I came back as one of the Writing Dead. On a side note you can starve looking for brains to eat around here. But I digress....

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6 Responses to “Sarah Palin’s Mojo Explained by Voodoo Research”

  1. rfreed says:

    (Quote) “attempt to mate him with the Cloverfield Monster. Kristie Alley was heart-broken…”

    You’re so mean!

    But funny!

  2. kilroy says:

    That was mean but I think Kirste can take a joke.

  3. Oh Kirstie wouldn’t mind! She’s a Scientologist, and they’re famous for their lighthearted, self-deprecating ways.

  4. genie-dan says:

    the art of illusion has a healthy profit margin.

  5. Cain A Bell says:

    Good acronyms. She’s like a dim hooker, takes your money then jumps into another car.

  6. Swift says:

    that explains Hillary Clinton too.

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