Fans of brains everywhere, rejoice! Here is the first in-print guide to fine brain dining wherever you may be in the US. Our ghoulish researchers have spent many dark, moonlit nights partaking of the cuisine available throughout this great land.
They have experimented with cranial delicacies from the intellectuals of New York to the trailer trash of Alabama. Here is a portion of the guide to whet your appetite for mental munchies.
Whereas most zombies are only able to communicate in monosyllables, this guide is written for the more discretionarily astute zombie who cares about what he puts in his mouth. We fully want you to be able to get more for your munch with our handy guide!
Los Angeles- Zombie heaven! So many people, so many brains! And so much variety- Asian brains, black brains, Hispanic brains- all with their own subtle flavorings! Actor and actress brains are particularly good as they have not been used much. Watch for especially exquisite buxom, blond bimbo brains- deliciously dumb!
New Orleans- Known for its fine multi-cultural cuisine, unfortunately the general brains here are too mushy from disuse and a generally poor diet. Recommend eating only the uptown swanks who take better care of themselves.
San Francisco- In general the brains here are full of holes from the acidic effect of the chemicals from too much drug taking. The remaining residue makes them unsavory.
Seattle- No information available. Apparently the people here are hard to catch because they drink so much coffee.
Boulder. Colorado- Tasty, but tend to be on the light side. Possibly the healthiest brains in the U.S. Not much fat content due to vegetarian, tofu diet. Can make a zombie anemic if eaten constantly.
Newark, New Jersey- Greasy, too full of oil.
Boston- Not a good searching ground. Brains here are overused, therefore are tough and hard to chew.
Minneapolis- Brains here lose flavor from needing to defrost first, but aside from that are first class. Spicing up recommended as mid-westerners have bland diets.
Dover, Delaware- Like chewing on cardboard.
Washington D.C.- Brains aplenty here, although tending to be very dry. They disconcertingly keep on pulsating even after you bite into them. That is because most D.C. people overemphasize their importance, think they are immortal and don’t know when to croak.
Southern Florida- Not a good hunting ground. Mostly old people, their brains are too soft and saggy. Too many leave an Alzheimer’s aftertaste. On the other hand they are easy to catch.
Texas- Good brains, although very fatty.
Chicago- Again, a real smorgasbord of various ethnic and racial brains. Unfortunately, citizens here are street smart and tough and do not like to give up their brains without a real battle. One has to really fight for his meal here.
Glowing recommendations from our readers-
Zong- “Yeah, Milwaukee brains good! Saturated with beer! Yeah!”
Mag- ”I like brains on toast! Hold bread under ear, squeeze neck hard. Easy!
Ogg- “Munch, munch, munch! Yumm, me eat interviewer!”
The Gastronomical Travel Guide For Gourmet Zombies is available at better bookstores everywhere provided you don’t eat the cashier first.