Month: August 2010
Economy Ramps Up – But Workers Have All Starved To Death
STURGIS, Mississippi (GlossyNews) — The bailout recovery has finally come full circle as the recipients have finally stabilized their companies and are ready to rehire their workers. A shock came about, however, when it was found out that most of…
Poor Banned from Using Money
Today in the US the upper classes succeeded in getting a bill passed banning poor people from using money. “Money is too good for them.” stated Raymond Emory III, a third generation trust funder, “They only spend it on the…
Solar Tsunami Headed Toward Earth; What NASA Didn’t Say
From Astronomy Daily: While NASA was trying to get our attention by telling us a Solar Tsunami is nothing to worry about and would only be responsible for bringing the Aurora Borealis further south for viewing, the very fact that…
Mexican Drug Gangs Boycott Arizona Over Immigration Law
PHOENIX, Arizona (GlossyNews) — Joining a rising tide of protest boycotts of the state, leaders from several prominent Mexican drug gangs announced their intention to avoid doing business in Arizona until the State Legislature reverses its controversial new immigration law….
Rap Bludgeoned by Ninja
CAPE TOWN, South Africa (GlossyNews) — Having been an astronaut, toymaker, and motivational speaker, Ninja boasts an unusually long resume for a white man. He was making his rounds through the slums of Cape Town, South Africa, where he worked for the liquor company Jagermeister by distributing its contaminated byproducts to disadvantaged minorities in an effort to cut down on waste management costs, when a chance encounter inspired him to start the rave-rap trio Die Antwoord.
Possible Cause for Marijuana Addiction Discovered
LONDON (GlossyNews) — In groundbreaking new research, scientists at world-renowned Oxford University in Oxford, England have discovered that patchouli oil may cause marijuana addiction. Extensive studies have been conducted over the past twelve years linking the use of the semi-popular…
Bank Deemed ‘Too Big to Succeed’
NEW YORK (GlossyNews) — Analysts predict a drop in equity markets this week, in the wake of unexpected SEC announcements. Investment giant Guildenstern & Rosencrantz, long a Wall Street presence, is to be liquidated. The word came from Under Assistant…
Sarah Palin Attempts to Crash Clinton Wedding
WASILLY, Alaska (Glossy News) — In a scene right out of The Real Housewives of New York, Sarah Palin had her bus driver drive her bus (he drove, she and Todd flew via private jet) all the way across country…
Glenn Beck Online University Institutes Dress Code
COLORADO CITY, Arizona (GlossyNews) — Glenn Beck University was begun earlier this year by Glenn Beck following his receiving an honorary doctorate from fundamentalist Christian-led Liberty University. Beck now believes he is qualified to offer college-level courses in American History,…
Glossy News Sues Al Qaeda
THE HAGUE, The Netherlands — (GlossyNews) — Humor news media titan Glossy News announced today a lawsuit expected to redefine international intellectual property rights law, and possibly win the war against terror. According to a brief filed in New York’s…