NEW YORK (GlossyNews) — Analysts predict a drop in equity markets this week, in the wake of unexpected SEC announcements. Investment giant Guildenstern & Rosencrantz, long a Wall Street presence, is to be liquidated.
The word came from Under Assistant Treasury Secretary David Cassidy today, simultaneous with deployment of the SEC’s elite SWAT CPA force. Cassidy predicted the G&R perimeter would be secured quickly, and then detailed the reasons behind the operation.
“No point in mincing words; Guildenstern & Rosencrantz is dead. I wish this was only a case of widespread fraud or rampant insider trading, because I miss the good old days. If it was only that, we all know the drill. You handcuff a few suits, stage a little frog-march parade in time to make the evening news… yeah, good times man!”
The Under Assistant Secretary explained G&R must be liquidated, due to its having grown too large to accomplish anything worth SEC monitoring. “They used their $85 billion in TARP funds initially to offload some worthless assets, but then they embarked on a growth spree! They were already too big before the crash! I’m a reasonable guy; I’ll meet you halfway, because that’s better than no way. But G&R is just ‘Bonaduce’ class stupid, and they have to go.”
Cassidy went on to recite a list of recent Guildenstern & Rosencrantz decisions that suggest a pattern of poor communication within the Wall Street investment giant. Most notable was G&R’s Mergers & Acquisitions Division’s hostile takeover bid for a company already owned by Guildenstern & Rosencrantz.
“So obviously we have to close them. Assets will be sold to highest bidders, retire the debt, and do our best to protect shareholders. You just can’t let an organization get so big it can’t cooperate with itself.”
Responding to questions, Under Assistant Secretary Cassidy revealed his biggest worry about G&R’s liquidation; the lately disturbing trend of Russian organized crime involvement. “Yeah, it’s a serious problem. They’re flush with cash from the Afghan heroin boom, and looking to diversify. Those people are hard to catch too. They used to run layers of dummy shell corporations out of the Cayman Islands, and that was tough enough. Past few years though, the Russian mob has shifted their shadow banking ops to Guam. That damned Guam government refuses to cooperate with the SEC.”