THE HAGUE, The Netherlands — (GlossyNews) — Humor news media titan Glossy News announced today a lawsuit expected to redefine international intellectual property rights law, and possibly win the war against terror.
According to a brief filed in New York’s 4th District Court, while simultaneously brought before the WTO, and the Permanent Court of Arbitration, Al Qaeda has gone too far this time. At issue is the fanatical, murderous organization’s initial publication of a glossy paged news periodical.
International trade experts are unanimous in their assessment; reclusive, mysterious Osama Bin Laden is in clear violation of Glossy News intellectual property rights. Professor Carl Klavan of the Wharton School for Business said, “Al Qaeda is toast on this one! What were they thinking? GNN has long been an internationally recognized presence, so you don’t do a glossy paged magazine. It’s a no brainer.”
According to Glossy News chief counsel Atticus Finch, who spoke on condition of anonymity, the lawsuit was brought after much soul searching. “People will say I shouldn’t have taken this case. There’ll be some large talk around town. But if corporations don’t have inviolable rights, than none of us have rights. I won’t run just because somebody shouts ‘BOO’ because that’d be like shooting a hummingbird. My Daddy always taught me you can’t shoot a hummingbird; the little bastards are real fast.”
The reclusive, mysterious Glossy News chief Brian K. White speaking from a secure, undisclosed location echoed Attorney Finch’s comments. “Yeah, Atticus is good people. I know he talks weird, and he’s lost several high profile cases, but he’s a man of principle. Been in journalism my entire life; always wanted to meet somebody with principles. And after all, this case is about principle. Our customer base, I owe it to them that they don’t accidentally find the Al Qaeda rag while looking for Glossy News, and become radicalized. This isn’t about money; it’s about America. Sure, my legal team will find Bin Laden. Tell you something? A naked lawyer could swim the length of Amazon River, and no leeches would bite them; professional courtesy. These bloodsuckers are billing me $200 an hour, while they’re daydreaming how to drag Bin Laden into court.”
Reclusive, mysterious author Harper Lee could not be reached for comment.