Month: June 2010
Airport Screenings to Include CT Scans, MRIs, Dental Cleanings
WASHINGTON, D.C. (Glossy News) — Last December, following a foiled terrorist airline attack, airports implemented full body scans, prompting many air travelers to wonder what additional security procedures they would have to endure. The wondering can stop. Yesterday, the Department…
Obama Ready to Open Big Can of Whup Ass
NEW YORK, New York (GlossyNews) -– Talking like he was getting ready for the biggest basketball game of his life, President Barack Obama made it perfectly clear Tuesday morning on the Today Show that he is contemplating opening that big…
Obama Hires Nigerian to Enact Wall Street Reforms
WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — President Obama, in a move to gain public trust after a series of disastrous missteps over his symbiotic relationship with Wall Street, has hired a Nigerian barrister to enforce newly proposed Wall Street regulations.
Unemployed Veteran Forgets Mother’s Birthday
BUFFALO, New York (GlossyNews) — In what Tri-State area Tea Party leaders are calling further evidence of our culture’s collapse, 38-year-old Lance Kilbane, an unemployed welder, has forgotten to honor his mother on her birthday. Speaking to reporters while completing…
BP Solves the Catastrophe by Creating a Disaster
HOUSTON, Texas (GlossyNews) – 10,000 barrels of crude burning per day. In a move typical of the greed and gluttony of Big Oil, British Petroleum began to burn thousands of barrels of crude oil DAILY captured from the leak in…
Helen Thomas Forced to Wear Scarlet Letter and Apologize
WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — Cantankerous malcontent and ex-reporter Helen Thomas, who recently had an unfortunate run-in with the Jewish-owned American media when she accidentally reminded everyone that Palestine is an occupied territory, is the latest celebrity forced to wear the…
Worried Investors Turn to Aluminum
Arkadelphia, AR (GlossyNews) — As fears of a sluggish recovery keep stock markets anemic, more investors are seeking safe haven in aluminum; a metal some call the new platinum. The shift comes as a surprise, even to Wall Street insiders….
Dutch Guy Murderer? Well, Duh…
Lima, Peru (GlossyNewsSA) — Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez. Slime weasel Joran van der Sloot has been handed over to Peruvian authorities, because he finally killed a chica where there wasn’t no deep water around….
Country Kills Thousands to Steal Oil then Chokes on its Own
Norfolk, VA (GlossyNews) — FUTURE NEWS – Legend has it that a country called the United States, once described as a modern day Atlantis, was just wrapping up an horrific incident where it killed hundreds of thousands of innocent people…
Acme Corporation Profits from BP Spill Efforts
Acme Corporation is reporting a huge profit upswing this month. Acme is the chief supplier of underwater doo-dads for BP Corporation, the sponsors of what is now the largest oil spill ever, on wonder why they are the biggest, they…