Helen Thomas Forced to Wear Scarlet Letter and Apologize

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — Cantankerous malcontent and ex-reporter Helen Thomas, who recently had an unfortunate run-in with the Jewish-owned American media when she accidentally reminded everyone that Palestine is an occupied territory, is the latest celebrity forced to wear the scarlet letter “A.” A for Anti-Zionist.

The 89-year-old correspondent, daughter of Lebanese immigrants, had worked as a White House reporter since 1960, blazing the trail for other women in political journalism. After a historic and unprecedented career, Thomas was kicked to the curb and publicly humiliated because “she obviously does not know a damn thing about world affairs,” according to current White House spokesman Robert Gibbs. She’s also been chastised by a litany of other talking heads, including the national director of the Anti-Defamation league, Abraham H. Foxman, and GW Bush’s old front for Israel, Ari Fleischer. Even Thomas’s pet dog, Poopie, her companion of 12 years, has taken up residence under a sofa in her now lonely house.

In desperation, and consumed with the desire to be buried somewhere when she dies and not thrown in a dump like Hitler, Thomas issued a heartfelt apology.

“In light of my recent comments, which crazily called Palestine an occupied territory, I am writing my apology directly to world leaders and my colleagues. I totally embrace the construction of houses in the middle of someone else’s thousand-year-old olive grove without compensating the owner. I respect that a country can build a wall through someone’s property and arrest and murder the property owner if he protests, even if he is not a citizen of the country building the wall. I agree that when a group of people are given a plot of land in the middle of someone else’s territory, they can kill every one who stands in their way, with the support of the most powerful countries in the world. I believe in denying the people, whose territory you have occupied, for 67 years medical care, food and water, and then bombing them into submission while the world turns the other way. Simply put, it is the right thing to do. I believe the Palestinians have no more right to their land than the Native Americans have to theirs. I agree Jews are the chosen people and are a pure race untouchable to any criticism lest someone be labeled Anti-Zionist. I agree the Jewish people are the only race of people on Earth ever subjected to ethnic cleansing or genocide. I agree the Bible is a credible source when it comes to taking directions on how to divide up land in a modern world. I agree the only people who can question the motives and actions of Israel are Israelis. Israel can hold accountable anyone, including private citizens of other countries, who don’t agree with everything they do, even if it is murder, theft and destruction of private property. I also agree that criticizing any country in the world is OK, but criticizing Israel is grounds for the destruction of a career, even if it is a distinguished career that has spanned nearly five decades.

“In closing, I would just like to say I am deeply sorry and I will never again write or say anything that can be interpreted in any way as a disagreement with anything Israel does. LONG LIVE ISRAEL! Now let’s keep those greenbacks flowing, I got a thirty-year mortgage to pay.”

The letter was signed, “Helen Thomas, Zionist.”

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