Arkadelphia, AR (GlossyNews) — As fears of a sluggish recovery keep stock markets anemic, more investors are seeking safe haven in aluminum; a metal some call the new platinum.
The shift comes as a surprise, even to Wall Street insiders. Gordon Gecko, of investment bank Guildenstern & Rosecrantz said, “The thing’s really weird. The aluminum market should be dead, but it’s like it doesn’t know that.”
Your Glossy News reporter got to the bottom of the mess; it’s a tangled tale of complexity that staggers the imagination. But first, the boring stuff…
Continued strength in aluminum defies orthodox business models. For the past sixty years, demand for the metal has roughly tracked with US economic output. All that seems overturned now. Aluminum has performed better than the Dow Jones average, the past five years consecutively. Now, the less boring stuff…
Glossy News sought out the woman universally regarded as Zen mistress of market forces, the enigmatic Jane Slowdoska-Hyde-Warf. Though evasive about her roots, Jane is rumored to be the love great-grandchild of Marie Curie and Albert Einstein, two people so smart they could figure how to conceive an illegitimate great-grandchild together.
Ms. Slowdoska-Hyde-Warf told this reporter, “I’ve already made my billions; not much into the market any more really. But I don’t mind telling you about Aluminum. It seems childishly obvious.”
The alleged progeny of intellectual giants went on to display a genius so superb that FOX News and MSNBC lost all broadcasting power for forty-five minutes.
“Looks like this to me; an inverse Pareto curve opposite to GDP but on track with social insecurity. Probably 9/11 gave it the primary boost, but it’s been picking up momentum ever since. Does this sweater make me look fat? Because I’m not fat; it’s just a big sweater.”
After being assured that she doesn’t look fat, the Zen mistress of market forces continued. “It’s all about insane conspiracy theories. People feel helpless. They need to believe shadowy forces work behind the scenes to destroy their dreams. Aluminum prices go up because that’s what tin foil hats are made from.”