Posted in Politics

Boehner Boned – Sources Report Complete Liver Failure

Dayton, OH – John Boehner, the house minority leader, except inasmuch as he’s never represented a minority, is suffering from advanced liver disease, according to a medical billing rep at his primary care doctor’s office in Dayton, Ohio. This is…

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Posted in Television Top Stories

FlashForward Cancelled, and Five Reasons Why That’s Good

The high-budget ABC sci-fi less-than-thriller known as Flashforward has been canceled, and by a few accounts, it’s a tragedy. By many more accounts, however it’s a good thing, and here are just five of the biggest reasons why that’s actually…

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Posted in Crime

Tax Refunds Revealed as Giant Ponzi Scheme

Washington, DC (GlossyNews) — Investigators have uncovered a multi-trillion dollar financial fraud so massive and widespread it has victimized nearly every household in America for decades. According to investigators the so-called “Tax Refund Pyramid” employs many of the same techniques…

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Posted in Top Stories

France, Tired Of American Jokes, Takes Back Statue Of Liberty.

Paris, France – France, tired of taking all the crap that it has gotten from the U.S., has retaliated by taking back the Statue of Liberty, once a gift from them. Ever since Bush started the Iraqi war and called…

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Posted in Television

Here’s How American Idol Can Save (or ruin) the 2011 Season

American Idol easily established itself as a ratings powerhouse in its first season, but now that Paula has left the show, and Simon has likewise finished his last show (though for very different reasons,) the viability of the franchise is…

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Posted in Human Interest

Realtor Can’t Suppress Laughter while Showing Rush Limbaugh’s Manhattan Condo

New York, NY – By now, most people have seen the news that Rush Limbaugh is selling his New York Penthouse condo and moving out of New York due to the high rise in taxes. He said he would move…

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Posted in Crime

Homeless “Hippie” and Dogs Arrested for Selling Marijuana to Teens

Venice Beach, CA (GlossyNews) — A local homeless man arrested yesterday has been charged with grand theft auto and selling marijuana to minors, according to police. Shaggy Rogers, known only as “Shaggy” on the street, was arrested after propositioning an undercover…

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Posted in Top Stories

Coal Mine Canaries Plan Protest Over Working Conditions

Weirton, WVa – A group of canaries have put their tiny talons down once and for all and are claiming they have the most hazardous job in the world and should have a place in line for various government concessions….

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Posted in Entertainment

Paul McCartney Ruled Dead

The Hague, Netherlands (GlossynEUs) — The EU Commission for Historicity today rendered a long awaited verdict on the status of Sir Paul McCartney. The EUCMA investigation was prompted after renewed controversy spawned by audio tapes purportedly from the late George…

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Glossy News Names New South America Bureau Chief(s)

South America (GlossyNews) — Industry insiders are saying reclusive, mysterious media titan Brian K. White has struck again, in his seemingly relentless march to replace Rupert Murdoch as the planet’s leading purveyor of nonsense. In the wake of famed journalist…

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Posted in Travel

American Expatriates in Mexico Feeling Sting of Arizona Law

Todos Santos, Mexico (GlossyNews) — American baby boomers, flush with money, have been making their way down to Mexico’s Baja coast for a decade or more as expatriates trying to escape the high cost of living in the United States….

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Posted in World News

Greece Accidentally Receives Loan for Musical

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — On May 18, 2010, the economically embattled country of Greece received 14.5 billion euros ($17.9 billion USD) in aid from what Greek bankers presumed to be the European Union. A banking official close to orchestrating…

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Posted in Serious Commentary

White Liberal Falls to Racism

Anytown, USA (GlossyNews) — Kirk Hassenbaum was always a shining example of bleeding heart liberalism. He went to a Liberal Arts college, traveled Europe with the backpack and Birkenstocks crowd, read poetry in coffee houses in San Francisco, rode a…

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Posted in Entertainment Music

Bono Undergoes Emergency Back Surgery for ‘Atlas Syndrome’

MUNICH, Germany (GlossyNews) — U2 front man Bono underwent emergency back surgery on May 21, 2010, while preparing for the American leg of the band’s “360 Degree” international tour. U2, having sold an estimated 150 million records, is arguably the…

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Posted in News In Your Briefs

White Liberals Vow to Never Laugh Again

Auston, TX (GlossyNews) — A group of middle-aged white liberals in Austin, Texas has vowed to never laugh at anything again. Group spokesman, Broice Kafoudlink, or as he is known in the organization, King Fuddy Duddy, declared at a recent…

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Posted in Environment

Pet Stores Donate Birds to Sop Up BP Oil Spill

New Orleans, LA (GlossyNews) — The announcement that shipments of millions of small household pets would be soon arriving to the gulf region was met with cheers by cleanup crews who had all but exhausted local populations of coastal animals….

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Posted in Society

Gordon “Gordy” Chastain, Philanthropist, Inventor, Diplomat, Dead at Age 4

Biloxi, MS (GlossyNews) — Gordon P Chastain, better known to the world as “Gordy” Chastain has died before his time, at the age of four, due to complications from malnutrition and insufficient pediatric medical care. The child, who was to…

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Posted in Politics

Woman Assaults Coffee Shop Patrons with Ditto Head Diatribe

Seattle, WA (GlossyNews) — Kaitlin Greely has found her way into Tawdry Soup for the second time time this year. This time by impressing patrons at the local coffee shop and veggie deli with her deep knowledge of Rush Limbaugh’s…

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Posted in Society

Guns Galore at 139th Annual Meeting of NRA

Charlotte, NC (GlossyNews) -– It’s all about guns. Guns, guns, guns. Guns and more guns. There are big guns, little guns, guns that kill just one person, and guns that are capable of killing more than one person at a…

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Posted in Human Interest

Misanthrope Mistaken for Misogynist

David Whittle was mistakenly labeled as merely a woman-hater. His fellow employees were relieved to find out that he is a complete asshole to pretty much everyone.

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