Paul McCartney Ruled Dead

The Hague, Netherlands (GlossynEUs) — The EU Commission for Historicity today rendered a long awaited verdict on the status of Sir Paul McCartney.

The EUCMA investigation was prompted after renewed controversy spawned by audio tapes purportedly from the late George Harrison. In the tapes, a fascinating ‘James Bondish’ tale is recounted, wherein Paul was killed in a car wreck in 1966 and UK authorities forced the substitution of ‘fake Paul’ upon the unwilling Fab three.

In a Glossy News exclusive, the purported owner of the ‘Harrison’ tapes, noted documentarian Rob Graves said, “It’s all airtight, just like Paul’s casket really.” Mr. Graves went on to detail a high reaching conspiracy spanning continents, reaching and exceeding Buckingham Palace. “Now see? The Beatles stopped touring because the substitute Paul had stage fright. And that whole trip to India thing? It wasn’t because the Beatles were LSD infused goofballs. They were hoping the Maharishi could put real Paul’s soul into fake Paul. Unfortunately, the Yogi was more focused on trying to put something very much more carnal into Mia Farrow’s younger sister, and nobody came out good on that whole deal, except Mia’s sister.”

Rob Graves, who is currently in negotiations with E! Channel on broadcast rights for his documentary, “Paul is really most sincerely Dead” said the Paul death and following substitution had amazingly far reaching consequences. “Yes, of course it led to breakup of the Beatles. Substitute Paul was some kind of saccharine music dispenser, and also kept hitting on Yoko. But it also led to downfall of the Nixon Presidency, because that seventeen minute gap in the tape was phone call between the Queen and Dick discussing fake Paul’s latest solo album.

EUCMA spokesperson Adam Lambert conceded the investigation began due to Rob Graves’ efforts, but was careful to distance himself from the Graves assertions. “We made this decision based on facts. The entire Commission listened to Sir Paul’s total canon of recordings from 1970-2010. You try doing that some time. Jean-Luc is still in Hospital. We all agreed based on objective evidence, Sir Paul is dead. He’s really most sincerely dead.”

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.