Heaven (GlossyNews) — A major uproar has occurred in the normally peaceful and idyllic universal subdivision of Heaven, home to famous celebrities such as Jehovah, Odin, Osiris, Allah, Zeus, Ahura Mazda, God and their flunkies Buddha, Zarathustra, Moses, Mithra and, of course, Jesus.
Angels assigned to the three major Western religions have gone on strike, claiming that the so-called ‘religious’ humans they oversee are no longer worthy of their help. The angels are upset at the endless violence that seems to be amplifying between the Christian, Muslim and Jewish parts of the world.
“It’s unfortunate that it’s come to this, but I understand their feelings,” stated St. Peter, keeper of the Christian Pearly Gates to Heaven, subsection to the Catholic entrance. “They don’t see why they should be wasting time on people who are only interested in killing each other.”
Mohammed Attik, guardian of the Muslim Gate, Sunni division entrance, said, “They got tired of all these guys who were suicide bombers. First, suicide is actually one of the worst sins in all of Islam, so you’ve got to reconcile that. Then, after they get picked up post mortem, the first thing they ask is, ‘Where are my 72 virgins?’ The whole spiritual aspect of religion has been lost.”
Gabriel, Chief Christian angel and the representative for the Society Of Angelic Servers Union spoke for all when he said that “there has been too much of a return to the old ‘eye for an eye’ mentality from the Old Testament. The entire emphasis of religion has shifted from God-serving to self-serving. Self-serving is the antithesis of all that the angels work for.”
Using a ‘blue flu’ type of striking tactic, in which workers of whole divisions do not show up for shifts, the angels have been forced to deal with the lack of activity that a strike brings. Accustomed to being busy, the angels are filling their time with bowling, reading classical novels and flying kites. A few have lapsed into card playing, but they have been duly reprimanded by their superiors.
When informed of the matter, Zeus, speaking for all the gods currently presiding over Heaven, said that “they had better get back on duty within 24 hours or we’re going to bring in scabs to do the work. We can’t be wasting valuable time.”
The angels did not respond, largely due to their sworn ethic not to say anything negative or commit violent acts. For now, all parties seem at an impasse. More to come as the situation develops.