Dems Respond to Vampire Corruption Charges

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — It began with whispers and raised eyebrows, then quickly became a prairie fire. So far only the venerable Helen Thomas, speaking at D.C.’s popular Make It Look Like a Business Expense Bistro, has found courage to say that this may be our generation’s Watergate, or worse.

Initially, political insiders and patrons of Capitol Hill found it merely odd that the Health Care Reform bill was voted on after dark and that some of the legislation’s former opponents displayed trance-like behavior. Others remarked on the number of pallid people in the visitor’s gallery that evening, all of whom were dressed in black.

But bemusement exploded into heated accusations this week as GOP senators demanded a Special Prosecutor be assigned to investigate newly added provisions to the bill.

Speaker Pelosi was quick to answer the charges, which she deemed “specious and the lowest form of hate speech.” She spoke to reporters today, wearing a stylish garlic necklace.

“Reforming health care is very complex. It was always going to involve taxing some ‘Cadillac’ items. As to the recently added 1,800 percent sales tax on garlic and crucifixes? I frankly don’t see how anybody would find these earmarked options quid pro quo pork for the Vampire community; really I don’t.”

Pressed by Glossy News reporters, Speaker Pelosi said, “Basically these newly added provisions supply garlic free of charge to certain House leaders. So dentists are now to stay open after dark and provide root canals for abnormally elongated eye teeth at a steeply discounted prices. All right. And? These accusations are yet another example of the politics of hate.”

Rushing into a waiting limousine as the sun was setting, Speaker Pelosi spoke off the record to Glossy News, telling reporters, “This isn’t funny, OK? I never should’ve made a deal with Vampires; they’re even worse than Republicans.”

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.