2010 Winter Olympics — Sold Out to the Highest Bidder?

This scene was captured by one of our authors last week, but we can’t publish it under her name because she was subsequently disqualified for using performance enhancing substances. We will still publish it, but we can’t give her credit, and our thanks to Roger Freed for picking up the torch where she passed out, even if he didn’t edit the text for length, readability or any sort of journalistic integrity. Read more 2010 Winter Olympics — Sold Out to the Highest Bidder?

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An Audacious Attempt at Haitian Relief Efforts

The headlines read: “Americans Held Taking Children from Haiti.” It then goes on to report that a group of 10 Baptists mostly from Idaho, but also from Texas and Kansas formed the “Haitian Orphan Rescue Mission” in order to go into Haiti, “scoop up 100 orphans” out of the wreckage of Haiti and ultimately transport them to an orphanage they were “planning” to build in the Dominican Republic. The 33 children they were in “possession” of ranged in age from 2 months to 12 years old. Read more An Audacious Attempt at Haitian Relief Efforts

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Dear Hank: Sweets for My Sweets Making Them Obese

Dear Hank,

I’ve got a real problem. I’m considering taking a walk down the aisle for the 4th time and I already know how it’s going to end…in divorce. Why? Because I am the one responsible for the merry-go-round that is my marital history.

I know what I’m doing wrong, but I can’t seem to stop myself and I need someone to tell me why I do what I do, and I figured maybe you’d have some answers. Read more Dear Hank: Sweets for My Sweets Making Them Obese

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GOP Expects Death Star Fully Operational Prior to 2012 Elections

Hard-core Republicans, also known in some circles as the ‘Evil Empire’, plan to have their Death Star fully operational by the 2012 election.

The Death Star, which is believed to have the capacity to neutralize the minds of an entire planet, was adopted from designs stolen from George Lucas’s studios ans used by Vladimir Putin in his successful takeover of Russia in the late 1900s. Read more GOP Expects Death Star Fully Operational Prior to 2012 Elections

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Kate Gosselin on TLC: Taming of the Shrewd

The long-awaited news has finally arrived. TLC has just announced the name and format for Kate’s solo show, sans Jon and Kids. The show is tentatively named Kate: TheTaming of the Shrewd, and it features Kate each week being employed by B- through D-rated reality stars, who give Kate some much needed lessons in humility by assigning her various odd jobs to perform. Read more Kate Gosselin on TLC: Taming of the Shrewd

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Jesus Puts Population of Heaven at 150, Tops

WEST CHESTER, PA. – The civilized world was gobsmacked yesterday by Jesus’ off-hand remark that there are roughly 150 people in heaven. That’s 1-to-the-5-plus-0, period, the population of septic fields like Armpit, New Mexico, and Chowder Falls, Wisconsin.

If your brain hurts from trying to cope with the notion that there are fewer people in heaven than there are in Starbucks on a Sunday morning, try coping with this instead: if fewer than one one-bazillionth of one percent of all the people who have ever lived were good enough to get into heaven, you’re probably screwed. Read more Jesus Puts Population of Heaven at 150, Tops

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MTV Snared in Illegal Promotion Pact with Perez Hilton

If you’d looked at this a year ago, you’d have found that Perez Hilton was either a no-talent ass-clown or one of the biggest trend-setter bloggers in the western world. But if you look at him today you’ll find he’s made some sinister pact with Viacom, and he’s paying it backwards, as he’s wont to do. Read more MTV Snared in Illegal Promotion Pact with Perez Hilton

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