Pope Benedict XVI Declares War on Wet Dreams

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI, who threatened condom users in Africa with excommunication last year, is now taking aim on wet dreams. In an encyclical entitled God Owns the Night the supreme pontiff warned Catholics that they “cannot seek refuge in sleep” in order to enjoy illicit sexual activities.

“God sees you when you’re sleeping,” declared the pope, who reminded his flock that wet dreams are, at least, a venial sin, punishable by a minimum of three months in purgatory. That sentence could increase significantly if the perpetrator entertained impure thoughts before falling asleep and those thoughts bubbled up into a 3:00 a.m. surprise. According to his holiness, that would constitute a mortal sin, which carries the potential of eternal damnation.

“Any activity forbidden to waking Catholics is forbidden to sleeping persons too,” said the pope. “That includes everything from missionary-position sex, which under normal circumstances is quite pleasing in the eyes of God,” to sex with persons of the same gender, to sex with animals or non-organic persons. The pope further warned that Catholics are forbidden to wear condoms while they sleep because “that only increases the occurrence of improper dreams.”

The fact that the pope took pains not to exempt priests from his edict did not make it easier for some Catholics to swallow.

“Where does the pope get off thinking he’s the [orgasm] nazi,” declared one parishioner leaving Holy Mother of the Infinite Sorrows church in Westport, Connecticut, after Saturday night mass.

“Oh, I forgot, the pope doesn’t get off, even when he’s sleeping. Maybe that’s his problem.”

The pope’s encyclical urged parents to monitor their children’s bed clothes and pajamas for signs of wet dreams. If parents find that their children have been misbehaving in their sleep, they should pray the rosary together at night in order to imprint holy thoughts in their minds.

“Big whoop,” laughed the Connecticut parishioner. “If my kid said the rosary before he fell asleep, the Blessed Virgin wouldn’t be a virgin any more.”

Author: Phil Maggitti

Phil Maggitti is a freelance writer and editor living in a world of virtual reality with his wife, two pug dogs, a Boston terrier, four cats, and a constant supply of gummy worms. His virtual address is www.karmasutranews.com.

3 thoughts on “Pope Benedict XVI Declares War on Wet Dreams

  1. I found the comments made in the article as very offensive, especially the comment about the the Blessed Virgin Mary; that is outright blasphemy and is not a laughing matter.

  2. looks like v have to pray 2 ensure that there is no more sin in this world and work 2 wards it, coz tere are lots of ppl like the Connecticut parishioner who need help from The Almighty

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