Dear Hank,

I’ve been stringing along this lovely mistress for over a year. How do I tell her that my wife and I are now expecting triplets? We spent an in vitro fortune to get them, so I can no longer pretend she’s dying of lymphoma, so what should I do? Continue Reading

Dear Hank,

I need help, and fast. I’m a newlywed, and this will be mine and my new wife’s first Valentine’s Day together, but I don’t have two nickels to rub together to buy my sweetie something nice. It’s my own fault, I’ll admit. Me and a few of my buddies have been working on an old ’89 Ford Escort of mine to get ready for the stock car races that are gonna start in May. We blew the engine last season and we just found one we could re-build and, well, I think you can see where this is headed. Continue Reading

OK Hank,

Here are a couple philosophical questions for your amusement.

Why do men and women have two hands?

If the Universe is expanding like my waistline, why does the content of my wallet not do the same?

Why do Korean women taste different than Chinese women? Continue Reading

Dear Hank,

I’ve got a real problem. I’m considering taking a walk down the aisle for the 4th time and I already know how it’s going to end…in divorce. Why? Because I am the one responsible for the merry-go-round that is my marital history.

I know what I’m doing wrong, but I can’t seem to stop myself and I need someone to tell me why I do what I do, and I figured maybe you’d have some answers. Continue Reading

Note from Hank: Before we get to today’s column, I just want to give a shout out to all the kind folks who have written asking questions. I’m limited in what I can respond to because I only do my column once a week, but rest assured, I will get to each and every one of your questions in due time, so hang in there. Continue Reading

Dear Hank;

With regards to the following e-mail I recently received (which has been shortened for the sake of brevity):

From: SENATE COMMITTEE
Sent: Wed, January 6, 2010 2:58:30 PM
Subject: Approved Immediate ATM Swift Payment

Office of the Senate
Federal Republic of Nigeria
committee on Foreign Payment
(Resolution Panel on Contract payment)
Our Ref: Fgn/Snt/Stb2010

Attn: Beneficiary

This is to officially inform you that we have verified your inheritance file and found out that why you have not received your payment is because you have not fulfilled the obligations given to you in respect of your Contract/Inheritance Payment/Lottery Winnings…. Continue Reading

Dear Hank:

I’ve got a crush on my neighbor. She lives just across the apartment complex from me, is stunningly gorgeous, and I know from looking, she’s single. She does have the odd one-time male guest now and again, but nothing serious. I want to date her. Well, not date, but you know, “date” her.

Thing is she’s total chaos. She’s had visitors arrested in the parking lot and I know she’s on meth. Living within eye line of one another is causing me a few problems because she used to be a dancer so she’s petite right up to her ribs, Continue Reading

Dear Hank,

I recently received this email and thought I would ask your advice about how to respond. You see I am currently unemployed and this job offer would be such a big help for me to put food on my family table.

Subject: ATTENTION: COUNSELLOR

Attention: Counselor, Continue Reading

Dear Hank,

I’m seven months old (that’s from conception) and due in late January.
Recently, I heard my parents talking about what they were going to name me:
Siegfried.

Hank, I can’t go through life with that moniker. Recently I built a tiny
notebook in here with natural materials (the motherboard was easy) and tapped
into their signal.

I made contact with a little girl down the street who’s due about the same time
I am and whose mother is a lawyer. The little girl advises me that I have
rights concerning my naming and I should exercise them before it’s too late. Continue Reading

Dear Hank,

My wife recently found out that I’ve been seeing some other women and now it seems like I’m in all kinds of trouble. She knew when we met that I was a swinger but now she’s pretending like she thought she was the only one I allowed to touch my balls. And the women I was (and secretly am still) allegedly playing around with on the side found out about each other, and now my job is in trouble. I make a lot of money in advertising, you know in marketing products and the like, but now my wife wants to divorce me and take my kids. Continue Reading

Dear Hank,

I have a serious issue that needs addressed. I’m a conservative, belong to the NRA and have just finished my bunker cause we all know what’s coming in 2012. My damn wife wants to decorate the damn thing and take down all my desert storm pictures. We will be sharing the space with our son who is two right now and our cat Sherman, but I can’t give up my plaid couch and plasma T.V. We’re heading for a divorce after 15 yrs. of marriage over this! I need help!

-Lost in Arkansas! Continue Reading

Dear Hank,

I’m an 87 year old widower. I’ve just been told I’m terminally ill, with only six months left. I would like to party with 20-year-old blonde hardbodies in the time I have left, but there aren’t any in my nursing home and I’m a quadriplegic confined to my wheelchair. What are my options? Continue Reading

Hey Hank,

It’s become a toss-up for me here and thought you could help out, if you want…
I am and have been an atheist for most of my life. I just can’t get into the whole swoony churchy thing.

But, I have become a rather confirmed political convert and want to get a job in the next political campaign.
I lean quite heavily to the right, so I need to know which church group would be the best for me to join up with –Mormon, Catholic, Baptist, Presbyterian? Are there others? Continue Reading

Dear Hank,

I’m pretty sure my sister in law totally wants me. She’s gross, but I guess I’d still go make it happen if I thought my girl wouldn’t find out. Doesn’t matter.

I’m conflicted. On the one hand it would be kind of interesting, but on the other hand my wife might find out. What should I do? Continue Reading

Dear Hank,

I’m a regular guy, I keep to my business and do work when I can. How come I keep getting arrested?

-Frisked in Fresno

Dear Frisked,

Since you don’t really say what you are being arrested for, I can’t help you too much other than to assume that you are a “social moron.” Continue Reading

Hey Hank,

Sometimes it feels like everything around me is going wrong, like my family hates me, like I’ll never get married, and like I’ll never have kids or become a real man. Can you suggest what drink would go best with my sorrow? Continue Reading