Wikipedia Reporting that J.D. Salinger Faked His Death

Iconic author J.D. Salinger is alive and well and resting comfortably on a cruise ship in the Caribbean, according to an Associated Content report. Mr. Salinger, 91, is thought to have returned to his first love, the sea, because he increasingly felt that “a land-based existence was an invasion of his privacy.”

This story was confirmed by Wikipedia, which Mr. Salinger had come to regard as his bible during his latter years due to what he called its “gospel truth.”

“It is well known that in February 1941, at the age of twenty-two, Jerry worked as the cruise-activities director aboard the MS Kungsholm, operated by the Swedish American Line,” wrote Wikipedia. “He called a mean game of bingo, amusing tourists with comments on the ‘phoniness’ of certain numbers and chuckling ‘goddamn great’ whenever anyone had bingo—and there are still a few people in assisted living today who recall his goofy shuffleboard contests.”

Wikipedia maintains that Mr. Salinger “desperately wanted a career” as a cruise director, but cruises were “basically a gentile thing” in those days, and he knew he’d never make any real money calling bingo games. Therefore, he reluctantly took up a career in writing because that was something he’d “always have to fall back on.”

While allowing that Mr. Salinger’s writing career was “a good one by any measure,” Wikipedia suggests that his limited output was a consequence of his “constant longing for the Art Deco smoking room aboard the MS Kungsholm.”

“He didn’t have writer’s block, he had seaman’s envy,” Wikipedia solemnly concluded.

Although we respect Mr. Salinger’s epic quest for privacy, he may not find the freedom that he treasures on a cruise. Already there are reports from celebrity gossip sites that Mr. Salinger has been spotted slouched in a seat in the movie theater on a Royal Caribbean International tub bound for Jamaica; a place where no one has ever found any joy.

Author: Phil Maggitti

Phil Maggitti is a freelance writer and editor living in a world of virtual reality with his wife, two pug dogs, a Boston terrier, four cats, and a constant supply of gummy worms. His virtual address is