Dear Hank,
I’ve got a real problem. I’m considering taking a walk down the aisle for the 4th time and I already know how it’s going to end…in divorce. Why? Because I am the one responsible for the merry-go-round that is my marital history.
I know what I’m doing wrong, but I can’t seem to stop myself and I need someone to tell me why I do what I do, and I figured maybe you’d have some answers.
It all starts innocently enough. I meet a pretty, young slender lady, ask her out and from there I wine and dine her like there’s no tomorrow. No problem there cause when they’re dating, slender women don’t eat anything and they keep their girlish figure, but once I put that ring on their finger, all hell breaks loose. Instead of ordering a salad at the steak house, they go straight for the dessert tray. And it’s not really their fault. For some reason, as they start packing on the pounds, I urge them to eat more. I’ll taunt them with “my, doesn’t that molten volcano chocolate cake just look divine?” and “I’m not really hungry anymore, do you want the rest of my cheesecake?” and they go nuts.
So here’s my problem. Once they get fat, I get bored and I want a divorce. Now, I’m going on my 4th try, but this time it’s different. I find myself already teasing my girlfriend with large boxes of Whitman’s Samplers and Hostess Ding Dongs, and the fatter she gets, the less attracted to her I’m becoming. I’ve got my eye on this cute little waitress down at the Dunkin’ Donut Shop, who couldn’t weigh more than 95 lbs. Please help me Hank.
-R.L. in WPB
Dear R.L.
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that I think you may just be on to something that would be of great benefit to all men out there. A way to get out of marriage that no judge in the land can fault you on…the “she’s just a lazy woman who lies around the house eating bonbons all day,” claim.
I don’t want to rush to place any blame, but I honestly think subconsciously you are feeding your honeys sweets to fatten them up after the “magic” starts marchin’ outta the bedroom. And who can blame you? In fact, we may be looking at sheer genius here. You should bottle this idea. You could get more on the street for this formula than say Oxycontin.
Yep, I can see it now. You keep plying your girlfriend with as much sugar and fat as you can and while she’s packin’ on the pounds, you’ll be packin’ your bags and taking off with Ms. Donut Hole 2010 to a little hideaway in Hawaii.
Sheer genius, my friend.
Thanks on behalf of men all over the world.
-Hank
If you’ve got a question for Hank that you need answered, just send it in using our CONTACT page (linked at the top of the page). Remember, Hank puts the “guy” in DIY.
Or give him his own National Radio Show, some ilicit drugs and a few good Cuban cigars, and tell him he has an opinion and watch the fun as he works himself into a lather over having to swallow the fact that his current president is not of his ilk. I’m sure the fatty foods are already in place in his diet.
Good one!
For ladies who want to be free, the following method can be used:
Feed hubby until he becomes tubby– bacon, marbled steaks, cream pies, French toast, etc. Clog those arteries.
Then tell him what you really think of his family, especially his mother. When he starts to complain of chest pain, give him a canoli and make mad passionate love to him while he’s eating it. Give him permission to imagine you are Goldie Hawn in her prime.
You’ll be calling 911 in no time, and you’ve just committed the perfect murder.