GlossyNews Announces 2012 Presidential Endorsement… Not Who You Think

In 2008 we endorsed then-senator Barack Obama, but apparently it is best form to consult with our staff before reaching such a weighty decision.

For 2012 I requested an endorsement statement from all 127 of our writers, and the endorsements are listed below, by author, though I warn you, it’s all kinds of goofy.

But first, some forced perspective.

RIGHT: The actual chart of our staff’s support for president. (CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE) or just scroll down to the bottom of the page.

Let’s start with my endorsement, as editor-in-chief of GlossyNews.com, the second-longest running satire site on the web.

Obama stands on his record, let him keep standing for you

Obama has fixed the economy, and he’s leaps and bounds better than Mitt Romney, who promises unemployment to 11 million Americans and won’t even won’t release his tax returns. That’s to say nothing of his countless gaffes or debate lies.

Obama has faced unprecedented obstruction for the Republicans in congress, but has still made great strides. Not everything I wanted, but steps in the right direction. Conversely, Mitt Romney is an unapologetic 1%er who bumbles his way through foreign affairs and is beholden to his super-rich contributors. Obama isn’t perfect, but Romney is straight-up bad for all but the wealthiest in this country. — Brian K. White

Vote for mayor Quimby because he’d vote for you

Presented without explanation. — S.G. McCormick

If you thought Iran-Contra was bad you’ll love Benghazi-Gate

Vote for whomever you think can beat the truth out of Hillary Clinton. — Badlands Bob

Obama Will Be the Jesus We Never Asked For

Why do I endorse Barack Obama for president? For one, Jesus didn’t do what he promised he would the first time. And I for one hate that bastard for that. When Obama promised hope and change, I knew he was the Jesus we never asked for. Even if he was a Kenyan, socialist, abortion loving Baptist Muslim communist. Hell, Jesus was a liberal anyway. And Romney strapped a horse to the roof of his dog’s tax returns. Who does that? — Mark Garrison

Romney is much too Mormon

Mitt Romney worked as a Mormon missionary in his youth and still claims to hold Mormon beliefs. Personally, I do not want a man who firmly believes in Armageddon to have his finger on the nuclear trigger!

The Mormons believe, according to Wikipedia, “According to LDS Church teachings, the true gospel will be taught in all parts of the world prior to the Second Coming. Latter-day Saints believe that there will be increasingly severe wars, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other man-made and natural disasters prior to the Second Coming.”

Seeing as how we have already had all those natural disasters, the end times, according to Mormons, must be at hand! Therefore, I throw my support behind Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson. — NickFun

Ryan for President But Don’t Tell Romney!

Vote for Romney….he’s our man. If he can’t do it….aw screw it, nobody can fix this mess!

After the past 4 years of republican obstructionalism, it is only fitting to give them a chance to either fix everything

Or take the all blame. Besides, after Romney wins, he’ll have to resign once his taxes are released anyway. And then we’ll have God’s candidate, Ryan, as president. With God on our side (the REAL God, not that Morman alternate reality), all of our troubles will magically fade away.

– Unemployment: Smited.
– Health Care: Raptured.
– The 47%: Cast into The Pit.
– The Top 1%: The Chosen People.

Therefore, I fully endores Ryan…um…I mean Romney…for President. Otherwise, God’s going to get us! — Kilroy

Mitt Romney is the best man to bring our country back… to the 19th century

I’m voting for Mitt Romney because of his name. If you jumble the letters of his name it spells “R MONEY”. But if you jumble the letters in his opponent’s name it spells “A BOMBA” (well, close enough). Who do you want running our country – someone who will take care of R Money? Or someone who wants to blow us to smithereens. I think the choice is clear. — Tim Jones

I endorse Cache Irzchek

Cache has always contributed to prosperity, but I and my family regrettably see very little of him these days. I suspect that he is in the pocket of the rich and powerful, which is disappointing, but I would not say no to having him in my pocket, and in fact I think he is the remedy for a host of needs among those of us who are down on our luck and suffering from the economic downturn. That is why a Cache Irzchek is the solution for nearly all of us, and why I will always endorse a Cache Irzchek whenever he is offered as a choice. — Barb Weir

The British Empire

“In this US election I am endorsing the British Empire. It is the best option to help us with our failing economic policies; acquire the USA and all it’s assets to balance out our growing deficit. Team BE!” — Bee

Obama, the come-back kid

Obama’s first debate apparently was a reflection of his first term. He was constipated, distracted by a constant nagging feeling, his mind elsewhere. But check out his performance at the second debate – revved up and ready to duke it out (or was it those twenty espresso coffees he drank?). The media thought he was a punching bag for Romney and would be KO’d the second debate. He proved them all wrong; that he’s the come-back kid. I believe if given a second term, without the burden of re-election worry over his head, he’ll let loose his inner Obama, no longer hiding the Nigerian/Socialist/Muslim inside. In his second term he’ll lead our nation down the road Fox News has always feared and reported – toward peace and prosperity for all, not just a few. — John Cooker

Vote You Must Obama

I’ll vote for Barack Obama for the exact same reason as four years ago—to hold back what constitutional attorney and author Glenn Greenwald calls “a creeping extremism that has taken hold of our federal government” by those who have utilized fear and manipulation to convince citizens that such strong-arm actions are, indeed, for the good of the United States.

Not to mention Obama is darn good-looking with the brain the size of Jupiter.

And he’s a Jedi. — Sheree Shatsky

The Undecided Voter for President of the United States

An unnerving trend in the allocation of campaign contribution capital has increasingly become the undecided voter, which is why I am officially endorsing them for the office of the President of the United States. This may be alarming, and particularly odd to write in a candidate, considering most ballot boxes have gone digital and have since become increasingly inconvenient. I am endorsing them for substantially good reasons.

Undecided voters seem to be sheltered and void of cultural sentiment. This is why becoming president will allow them to travel the world and experience other cultures and help them realize divergent opinions speckled across the globe that may help the undecided voter expand their horizons. The undecided voter doesn’t seem capable of recognizing a cited source when it’s thrown in their face. This is why I endorse them, so they may read enough executive summaries in Chicago format to understand the true nature of institutionalized education.

Lastly, I am endorsing the undecided voter because it doesn’t seem like they understand responsibility, at least enough to make a fifty-fifty decision with months of preparation. That’s why they should have a job where responsibility is forcibly crammed in them with the intensity of a fraternity pledge who doesn’t understand “no” in any language. I have witnessed enough pandering from both sides to these ill informed procrastinators to want the insidious cycle to stop. The only way I see my dream remotely realistic, is endorsing those who have destroyed my political process. It would be nice to know if I lived in an evil empire or not. — Jason Velez

Pineapple for President

Tough. Quiet. Respectable. Pinchy. These are the qualities I admire in a presidential candidate. Sure, he’s kind of rough. Sure, you can never be certain of whether he’ll be sweet or just a little too sour. And sure, he’ll probably just turn around and fuck me if he’s elected president. But I’d honestly rather be fu**ed by a pineapple than either party’s nominee. — Bobby D. Foster

Better than a coin flip

Like many Americans, I have had a difficult time deciding which candidate to support in 2012. In my view, both candidates bring little to the table and are members of political parties that have contributed to the country’s current sad state of affairs.

At face value, I simply can’t distinguish between the two. With this in mind, I have instead come up with a formula to help aid in my decision. Using complex mathematic algorithms and advanced scientific theories, it is possible for a voter to make an informed, confident choice when deciding who to support for president by simply applying a point system to each candidate. Following are my results:

Has experience running various businesses: +1 Romney
Liquidated many of those businesses: -1 Romney

Looks athletic enough to run a marathon +1 Obama
…but smokes: -1 Obama

Mormons believe some weird-ass things: – 1 Romney
The Broadway show “Book of Mormon” won nine Tony awards: +1 Romney

Is a big fan of Chicago sports: +1 Obama
…but his favorite team is the White Sox: -1 Obama

Appreciates a good beer: +1 Obama
Doesn’t drink…ever: -1 Romney

The last four years: -1 Obama
The eight years before that: -1 Romney

His presidency broke through long-standing racial barriers: +1 Obama

Has endorsements of Hugo Chavez, Vladimir Putin, and most of the mainstream media: -3 Obama
Endorsed by Donald Trump and Fox News: -2 Romney

Joe Biden: -2 Obama

So, tallying up the up the points leaves us at (drumroll please):

-4 Romney, -4 Obama…a tie. Guh.

So who am I going to vote for? It sure as hell won’t be Candidate Kang. — Dan H.

I endorse myself, rfreed

I endorse myself, rfreed, for Dictator Of The United States because I m the only true one fit to lead. I will shortly deliver my candidacy announcement much to the chagrin and horror of the voting public. As for the other two candidates, they’ll soon learn what it is like to once again be a part of the 98%.
Very Sincerely, — rfreed