Despite math, science and medicine being against her, newlywed Jerilyn Thomas, who has body issues and a noted lack of sexual interest, continues to insist that she is “on her period” a solid 21-days per month, much to the consternation of her evangelical husband.

Forget those underpowered, overpriced apps that promise you a fun game of Walmart Bingo, the FunnyHitman brings you one that’s even better, and best of all, it’s free to view, free to print and free to use as you laugh your inexpensive suburban socks off. Continue Reading

Your service is lacking, your customer care is almost completely absent, and your attention to customers like me who have paid you ten-fold the cost of domain registration ($35 bucks a year, come on, get real!) I have only one thing to say… buh bye now.

There are many domain registrars out there that are less expensive, most of whom offer superior support. These guys are monumental jokes at best, and Ive seen a lackluster monument or two in my time. Given the choice, avoid Hostway whatever you do.

Clowns, dude. Complete and total clowns.

(Lost two domains through them years ago, but today it’s all about the fact that they should have my billing info on file, and I can’t even reach a real human being to confirm it… with what they charge, there’s simply no excuse for this.)

Humorless comb-over victim Donald Trump, an alleged billionaire by his own self-proclamation, and centerpiece of the NBC ratings basement “Celebrity Apprentice,” has upped his game yet again, going on the offensive against the countless ones of person who insulted him at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner.

Skipping over the well-placed criticisms, which were aptly placed and things of beauty, “The Donald” chose instead to quack back to his self-aggrandizing ways.

“Listen, you nobodies,” he endearingly started to a group of bloggers standing by for comment, “I got Obama to release his long form birth certificate, which I’m not even sure is real. This whole thing here what with the roast of the White House, it’s not real, it’s as fake as anything you guys see on TV that you think is real.”

Before going off onto an unsolicited, arguably crazy tangent about how the seasoned, unflappable and flawless Seth Meyers “garbled his words… it was like he had marbles in his [big dumb] mouth,” Mr. Trump told the waiting battery of bloggers, “listen, if it wasn’t for what that Bush did, what with his deciding and what stuff, there wouldn’t be a dead Obama [sic] today. Hell, I’d have killed Obama [sic] myself, if that lanky weasel ever got close enough to me to make it happen.”

Pandering further to his FOX constituents, Mr. Trump continued briefly before departing, adding, “Karl Rove, that’s who you should be thanking. And Glenn Beck, that guy gets it. He did more for taking down Osama bin Barack [sic?] than anything this weak president did.”

As he walked off, Mr. Trump shouted back, “I had him in my guys’ sites last year, I could have taken him out, and I wouldn’t have given him a sea burial, I would have dragged him through the streets until nothing was left of him, and then I’d have the non-remains bronzed and put on my mantle, because I’m the richest man in the history of the world, you stupid bloggers. What’s a blog anyway? You guys are losers. I’d fire all of you.”

Mr. Trump has already announced his 2012 presidential campaign, but awaits sanctions for his television show remaining on the air. Not just because of equal-time rules, but because it is a terrible, terrible excuse for what presently passes as television.

Gary Busy was unavailable for comment, but nonetheless said, “Trump is the dump-a-thump dong!” which means absolutely nothing to anyone.

The photo above (click to enlarge) is intended to show that Mr. Trump’s hair “do” is in no way ridiculous, assuming one grades on a curve, and does so only in the audience of the Correspondent’s Dinner.

According to police, an altercation broke out this morning at 3:42 at an un-licensed after hours club on the lower east side. This wouldn’t normally make news, but the alleged aggressor was none other than auto-tune sensation T-Pain, and his victim was none uglier than meat-faced media sensation Lady Gaga. Continue Reading

John Boner [sic] made a last-minute deal with Harry Reid to keep the country running on a day-to-day basis. Though the Tea Party feels the cuts weren’t deep enough, others feel the democratic concessions went too far. Here are some of the many cuts approved and accepted by the dems and repubes. Continue Reading

Unemployment took an unexpected turn for the better, with 216,000 new jobs added to payroll last month. And while The USA Today reported that 2010 saw median incomes rise 2.1%, it also reported that median CEO pay jumped 27% for the same period.

To summarize today versus last year:
- If you didn’t have a job, there’s a 12% chance* you found one.
- If you did have a job, your income went up about 2%
- If you are a CEO, your income went up an average of $1.9 million. Continue Reading

Dramatic drops in ratings combined with a lack of any reputable (top-of-market-paying) advertiser willing to be part of his show have finally taken their toll on Glenn Beck and his FOXNews program.

Beck offered a rare olive branch, saying, “…I want to verify something that is true,” which marked a noted departure for Beck, who normally avoids verifying the truth, preferring only espouses crazy conspiracy theories and conspicuous product placement for his gold, seed and Armageddon survival oriented sponsors. Continue Reading

Reality star Donald Trump had upped the crazy ante once again, doubling down on the quake/tsunami stricken Fukushima nuclear power plant, swearing that it is “probably a Muslim plot,” and adding that it is “likely the one place that had Obama’s birth certificate, but now it’s buried under a hundred billion tons of melted down neutonium.”

Also, Trump wished to confirm to his followers, not that his hair is real, but that it is “the best look for a man’s hair.”

With the recent announcement that despised telecom giant AT&T would be purchasing T-Mobile for $39 billion came the launch of a grassroots opposition movement dead-set against the transaction. If you have an opinion about the merger, this may be of interest to you.

The site is called www.StopThisMerger.com, and it looks like it is going to cover all the news that you need from now until the merger is completed… or it isn’t. Continue Reading

As sure as every crowd has a pilfer lining, every crowd has one of silver. While the quake off the northeast coast of Japan has already racked up a death toll in the thousands, there may still be some good news. Sources have suggested that the Japanese whaling fleet may have suffered serious, permanent damage from the resulting tsunami. Continue Reading

You may have heard the recent news about AOL purchasing Huffington Post for the sum of $315 million dollars. Will AOL buy your blog? Will AOL pay you a million dollars for your blog or website? Will AOL give you hundreds of millions of dollars to buy your blog? Are you crazy?

The short answer is maybe, but the longer answer is maybe-but-a-we-just-a-gotta-wait-and-see, but maybe not for $315 million cold, hard smackeroos. It could be more, though it could be much, much less… and you’d still be happy about it. Continue Reading

If imitation truly is the sincerest form of flattery, then this recently noticed Glossy News site in Romania means we’ve truly made it. If it doesn’t, however, Dracula owes me some blood, because I’ve been running this mare hard for 9-years, and even Vlad the Impaler better pay me some props. Continue Reading

Jim DeMint, Crazy of Just Plain Full of Shizz?

Recent addition to the Fair & Balanced FOX club, Wall Street Journal, has published an editorial by one of the most fair, most balanced senators in the history of America. Sure, Senator Jim DeMint (R-South Carolina) has publicly said that he doesn’t think openly gay teachers should be allowed to teach in public schools, but there’s no mention of that on the Wall Street Journal, so let’s pretend it doesn’t apply.

In a nutshell
Senator DeMint’s argument is that the federal government should de-fund PBS, NPR and all associated entities. I get that we need to tighten our belts, but what are his reasons? I ask because they will go straight to his motivations, almost as if by magic.

Prepare yourself for some serious double-speak, dissembly and at least a few outright lies.

“While executives at the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) and National Public Radio (NPR) are raking in massive salaries…”

Okay, already a lot to chew on. Excessive salaries? No. Salaries for NPR, PBS and affiliated public broadcasting entities are far, far lower than those from for-profit companies. You can’t argue with a straight face that the head of NPR earns even half as much as his colleague at FOX, ABC, NBC, CBS or pretty much any other news outfit, and that includes Current TV.

“The so-called commercial free public airwaves have been filled with pleas for taxpayer cash.”

Right, because they can’t sell ads and the federal government won’t fully fund them… how does the senator expect them to fund their operations?

Lobbyists for America
“The Association of Public Television Stations has hired lobbyists to fight the cuts. Hundreds of taxpayer-supported TV, radio and Web outlets have partnered with an advocacy campaign to facilitate emails and phone calls to Capitol Hill for the purpose of telling members of Congress, “Public broadcasting funding is too important to eliminate!”"

Three things on this. First, lobbying is not an invention of public radio or television. Second, isn’t a phone call from a constituent the exact way you know what the real pulse of the public is? And third, are you genuinely arguing that public broadcasting is so unimportant that it can or should be eliminated?

CEO Pay and Disparity
“But if PBS can pay Ms. Kerger $632,233 in annual compensation—as reported on the 990 tax forms all nonprofits are required to file—surely it can operate without tax dollars.”

Wall Street still pays its junior analysts bonuses on the order of a million dollars, on top of their salaries… We don’t want to open that can of worms, so let’s just say agree that, while CEO pay may be disproportionately high, there is NO NETWORK executive that earns less than three-times what she does, and she coordinates more original programming, more stations and more journalists than any of her rivals.

That means she’s getting a third of the pay for twice the work, and it’s all for public broadcasting.

I could go down the line by the individuals listed by Mr. DeMint, but that would only ask too many questions he can’t (and honestly won’t even bother to) answer.

Media is wide open to all
“Today’s media landscape is a thriving one with few barriers to entry…”

As a would-be break-in media outlet working for 9-years, you’ll have to pardon me if I call bullshit on this. I have worked as a writer and editor on more than a dozen media upstarts, some of them remarkably well funded, and none of them has been able to scratch the surface, senator.

“…Americans have thousands of news, entertainment and educational programs to choose from that are available on countless television, radio and Web outlets.”
Yes. Some are liberal, many are FOX (check the news aggregators if you don’t believe me, and the remaining majority are unfunded bloggers regurgitating whatever they’ve already read, with limited original research. When the next big Democrat scandal breaks, don’t you want funded writers on the ground?

Get honest about the Budget
“Last year it got $420 million. As Congress considers ways to close the $1.6 trillion deficit, cutting funding for the CPB has even been proposed by President Obama’s bipartisan deficit reduction commission. Instead, Mr. Obama wants to increase CPB’s funding to $451 million in his latest budget.”

I’m not sure to call sour grapes or just disingenuous on this point. The TOTAL expenditure for public broadcasting, TV and Radio combined, would be .00001% for the 2012 budget year… this is how we’re going to fix the budget?

“”Sesame Street,” for example, made more than $211 million from toy and consumer product sales from 2003-2006.”

Why did you choose those years instead of, say, 2009 or 2010? Because it’s convenient. Because it includes highly unrepresentative years.

More importantly, what’s missing is the fact that nobody gets rich off of Elmo. All that money goes back to pro-literacy campaigns, building a rich, vibrant, free website for school teachers to share with children eager to learn while still having fun.

“Sesame Workshop President and CEO Gary Knell received $956,513 in compensation in 2008. With earnings like that, Big Bird doesn’t need the taxpayers to help him compete against the Nickelodeon cable channel’s Dora the Explorer.”

Are you insane? If this same CEO goes over to Nickelodeon, which he very well may at some point, he’ll earn 3-5 times as much for clearing a much lower bar. Conservatives have to admit that we can’t stifle CEO pay (that’s the mantra, right?), and likewise need to admit that this isn’t exorbitant by the standards set by the republican right, not by a mile.

DeMint Hates Citizen Funding
“Last year, for example, the Open Society Foundation, backed by liberal financier George Soros, gave NPR $1.8 million to help support the latter’s plan to hire an additional 100 reporters.”

So wait, the problem is that they should raise their own money, but the problem is that they are also raising their own money? Which is it, guy, because you can’t have it both ways.

Soros DID NOT donate the money to hire additional reporters, that’s an outright lie. The money was simply donated, and it went to general operations. PBS/NPR/CPB cut the number of reporters they employed last year, even with this generous contribution.

“When NPR receives million-dollar gifts from Mr. Soros, it is an insult to taxpayers when other organizations, such as MoveOn.org demand that Congress “save NPR and PBS” by guaranteeing “permanent funding and independence from partisan meddling,” as the liberal interest group did last month.”

How is donating money to a government sponsored public broadcasting entity anything short of patriotic? Trying to connect MoveOn.org to this isn’t just insulting, to use your word, but it’s plain crazy. If I donate millions to the FBI because I believe in security, and then another organization unrelated to me goes to congress and asks for guaranteed funding in the future for the FBI, isn’t that a good thing?

What planet have you been smoking the ganja on, Mr. Senator?

But Let’s Get Honest
If Senator Jim DeMint really wants an honest discussion from an honest media, let’s put in place the law Canada has that requires news broadcasters to be honest. That has kept the likes of FOX News and conservative radio out of Canada, because they know they’d be sued into oblivion and lose their broadcasting rights overnight for the outright lies so regularly espoused.

Challenge to Mr. DeMint
Senator DeMint, I invite you on GlossyNews for an interview to defend your comments, and I’ll send an email to your office today to request that you do as much.

You won’t come on to defend your positions, and you would never support a bill to demand honesty out of journalistic broadcasters. And why? It’s because Jim DeMint doesn’t want an honest, open discussion. That would be too damaging to his interests.