The Nine Things Mitt Romney is Hiding in His Tax Returns

Anne Romney took to the talk shows to defend her husbands historically unprecedented decision not to release his tax returns. “You know, you should really look at where Mitt has led his life, and where he’s been financially,” she said in her interview with Robin Roberts… if only there was a way to look at his finances.

So what is Mitt Romney hiding that is damning that enduring this criticism and speculation is better than shedding light upon it? Well it would be reckless of us not to speculate.

RIGHT: Image shamelessly stolen from the interwebs. If you know the owner, please share in the comments for due credit.

1 – Under-Payment of Tithing Obligation?

In 2010, the only year for which we have a final tax return, we know Romney gave only $1.5million from his $21.6million adjusted gross income. That’s a rate of only 6.9%. He quickly made up the difference in his 2011 taxes, after realizing he’d have to reveal the tax returns. What about all these other years, did he really pay his full tithe, or does he risk his eternal soul?

2 – Salt Lake City Olympics Profiteering?

Did Mitt Romney send no-bid deals to companies he owned, controlled or otherwise profited from? We have no proof that he did, but we also have no proof that he didn’t. He could have made millions in this fashion.

3 – Zero Tax Paid in 2009?

There’s a great story about this in Business Week that explains how Romney may have done as badly as the rest of stock market investors in 2008. That he may in fact have paid no income taxes at all. If you look at the giving chart from his foundation, the Tyler Foundation, you’ll see that they had basically nothing to give away in 2009.

(Chart appears courtesy of

4 – Unreported Offshore Account Amnesty?

We know Mitt Romney fits the profile of those included in the IRS program that allowed amnesty to those with offshore accounts that had not been fully disclosed. His tax returns, especially the one from 2009, would reveal this.

5 – Profit from Hard-To-Justify Companies?

We already know that Mitt Romney had a financial stake in Stericycle, the fetus disposal company, but maybe there are companies with even shadier practices he feels the need to hide. Maybe he invested in a company that actively converted Mormons to Islam.

6 – A Year of Staggering Income?

There could have been a single year of truly staggering income, even by the Romney standard of income. A year with $100million in income make him look even more out of touch. That’s like making $48,000 an hour, except for a year in which he wasn’t working. After all, he was retro-actively retired.

Mind you, he still makes over $10,000 an hour for not even working, just based on what we actually do know.

7 – Ownership of Even More Undisclosed Companies?

We’ve already seen a mystery company we didn’t know about popping up, maybe there are more of these. Maybe he owns an offshore holding company with an innocent-sounding name like NAMBLA.

8 – Moar Overseas Bank Accounts and Investments?

The foriegn bank accounts took many by surprise, how many more might there be?

9 – His Tax Returns Raped & Murdered a Girl in 1990

Based on the sheer girth of his tax returns, and the weight associated, it is perfectly likely that his tax returns themselves raped and murdered a girl in 1990. We’re not saying this happened, we’re just asking questions, and if Mitt Romney has nothing to hide, he should go on the record and prove it didn’t happen.


We’re not saying any of these theories are right, but surely one or more of them must be right, otherwise he’d just release the damn returns already and put the controversy to bed.

He could be playing some long-game judo where he’ll reveal them at a strategic moment, but the longer he waits, the more damage he’s taking in the polls.

No he isn’t required to release his tax returns, but it’s the precedent his own father set 50-years-ago. The longer this goes on, the better it is for Obama. So Romney, the balls is in your magic underwear, I mean court, so decide how long you want to promote Obama, or just release the tax returns and tell the truth for once.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

1 thought on “The Nine Things Mitt Romney is Hiding in His Tax Returns

  1. I was just enjoying your breakdown of the issues with his return until I hit the 1990 point. I am now in love with and want to have your gay babies, assuming you are male, or actual babies assuming you are female.

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