Category: Top Stories
Herbie the Parrot
I always walk past the pet store on Church Avenue. One day, I finally went in and asked if they had any talking parrots. “Yes, you’re in luck. Herbie is a talking parrot.” …
Middle-Aged Creative Writer In Dilapidated Apartment Fucks Up Entire Future By Losing Massive Novel On USB Flash Drive
Midwest. After spending the majority of his life carefully managing his time, avoiding ‘high-stress’ professional careers, and utilizing every single ounce of his creative energy to construct a massive and profound science fiction novel that would have become successfully published…
Facebook Recalls Former Members
Facebook, now known as Meta, has begun recalling former members who deleted their accounts. “We felt it was in our best interests to bring them back,” said Facebook/Meta spokesman Tanner Long. “They need to be back in the fold.” “I…
Makita Cordless Jigsaws: All You Need to Know
Makita Cordless Jigsaws: All You Need to Know If you are a professional and are looking for a quality and reliable power tool, then you have come to the right place! Today we will tell you which jigsaw to choose…
President Biden Chooses Chumlee as New Candidate for Comptroller of the Currency
In a surprise twist, President Joe Biden has selected reality television personality Chumlee to replace Saule Omarova as his nominee for Comptroller of the Currency. Omarova, a Cornell Law School professor and special advisor on the regulatory policy under George…
On The First Day of Christmas — Lyrics for Our Time: Stuff This in Your Stocking, My Rightist Love!
On the first day of Christmas, my rightist love sent me A “Live Free” Anti-Vaxx Tee. On the second day of Christmas, my rightist love sent me Two Shredded Masks And a “Live Free” Anti-Vaxx Tee. On the third day…
Schrodinger’s Cat is Envious
Quarantining is difficult. Wearing a mask is hard. Taking a jab in the arm is annoying. All this just to save your life? Wow, do I feel sorry for you. Not. You know what is difficult? Being locked…
Midwestern Forklift Driver Just Glad He Can Finally Go Home And “Not Stop” After 5 Beers
Grant County. 26-year-old alcoholic Craig Wall was profoundly delighted last Friday when he was finally able to leave his exhausting and pointless factory job as a Forklift Driver at Pine Bark Industries and ‘not stop’ consuming can after can of…
Texas Abortion Law Spurs Record Sales of Cots While Condoms Fall
Approximately four months into Texas’s law prohibiting abortion once embryonic cardiac activity is detected at about six weeks when most women don’t yet know they are pregnant, economic indicators in the state began registering some unanticipated effects. Third quarter earnings…
Carrot Clamp-Down
Due to the recent spate of carrot-related incidents, the government has today announced restrictions on the sale of carrots across the nation. The most recent occurred yesterday with one customer tripping over while walking with a carrot and poking himself…