Tag Archive | "Scientology"

Batshit Woo Peddler John Kerry Declares War on Lord Xenu


John Kerry is a man of the world, but now his flip-flopping has soared astronomically, to the point where it’s on a genuinely cosmic scale.

Yes: no longer content with threatening the leaders of weak, divided countries in the Middle East with abject destruction, Kerry is turning his achingly dynamic turrets on a higher target:

Lord Xenu!

So, let’s see where we go with this one. Read the full story

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Posted in War Zone, World NewsComments (1)

Stop Press! The REAL Reason Tom Cruise is Leaving Scientology


There’s a lot of talk about Tom Cruise leaving Scientology.

http://hollywoodlife.com/2015/07/01/tom-cruise-leaving-scientology-church-suri-cruise

But the media coverage thus far has been very selective.

So just this once, I’m going to have to use my imagination to plug the gap. Read the full story

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Top StoriesComments (0)

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (3/3)


Phew! I’m worn out.

Or maybe just in a vaguely soporific state.

It was all fun and amusing to start with, but I think the novelty’s worn off.

Gets a bit samey after a while.

Still, I always like to honor my purely fleeting, voluntary and radically contingent contractual commitments to the international-satire-misreading-and-red-herring-web-comment-community. Read the full story

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Posted in Making Headlines, ReligionismComments (0)

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (2/3)


OK, the sky hasn’t fallen in….

Yet.

Just gotta keep going, I suppose.

Cosmic E-Cheek Ass Slicer

OK, this one is a little bit nastier, if also somewhat more fun…

And it’s only for the more experienced, intrepidly kinky fetish types. Read the full story

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Posted in Making Headlines, ReligionismComments (0)

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (1/3)


Oof! Sorry for the mildly sensationalist headline. I never quite got over not getting to be a top reporter for the Galactical Enquirer.

Still, somewhat more crucially, I must inform you of the existential spiritual peril facing you and your family. Read the full story

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Posted in Making Headlines, ReligionismComments (0)

42 Reasons Why Scientology is LITERALLY The Absolute Truth (2)


Yesterday, we ran Part One of this story. Today we conclude with the aptly named “Part Two”.

These articles as to why Scientology is right and true could as easily span a hundred articles or whole book of copyright protected guidance and instruction, or just a pamphlet.

We chose the middle ground. Well, the lower-middle ground. It’s the internet, after all, and we want people to be able to digest this all before answering what are their crimes. Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, ReligionismComments (0)

42 Reasons Why Scientology is LITERALLY The Absolute Truth (1)


You’ve probably noticed: haters always criticize Scientology. Well, I’m going to educate all you curious and ripe-for-the-picking folks out there on why the doubters are wrong as Hell.

Admittedly, some conspicuously pretentious sophists will say that the reasons given here apply to other religions more than Scientology, but they are lying. And wicked. And should JUST SHUT THE HELL UP… Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, ReligionismComments (2)

Catholic Church Commemorates Scientology for Beating Their Scam Record


The bald-ass monkey pope from the Catholic Church in some schmancy European country commemorated the Church of Scientology this week for utterly destroying their record set since their foundation back when the bearded old man went up in the sky.

It is estimated that since the Church of Scientology is currently the popular religion, millions of little boys are at risk of getting their assholes pounded like a bunch of monkeys at the local zoo. Read the full story

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Posted in Crime, ReligionismComments (1)

Micro-Religions Gain Market Share to Chagrin of Mega-Churches


This year’s Nielsen Prayer Ratings, considered an important indicator of sociological trends, put numbers to anticipated demographic shifts, yet contained surprises too.

While “Please don’t let her be pregnant” prayers showed expected growth among males 18-25, the 2011 NPR garnered controversy and condemnation among traditional ‘big box’ religious outlets. The study shows a decided move towards secularism. Seen as even more troubling by religion providers is a market share gain for non-mainstream sects. Read the full story

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God Is Definitely Gay: Says Dutch Sexpert


Utrecht, Holland (GlossyNews) — At the risk of raising the ire of religious straight people worldwide, Barend Hardwinkel, Gay Sexpert from Amsterdam, Netherlands has written in his new book, Move Over, Mary, that, “Yes, God is definitely gay.“

In an interview punctuated with controversy, Hardwinkel laid out his case:

“Look-I’ll make it easy for you. From day one God’s been on fire. She is very creative, which is a sure sign of gayness. Big poofy clouds, sparkly stars, sprinkly snow, outrageous sunsets Read the full story

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Banks Foreclose on Hell — Satan Moves to Scientology Headquarters


Sarasota, Fla (GlossyNews) — Markets around the world were rocked today with news of the imminent foreclosure on Hell by a consortium of major international banks. The announcement came only after months of failed negotiations between Satan and the Associated Minions of the Nether Regions to reach an agreement with creditors on the restructuring of Hell’s dept.

“Isn’t that a kick in the teeth,” said Beelzebub, official spokes-demon for the Associated Minions of the Nether Regions. Read the full story

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Posted in SocietyComments (1)

Birthers — Less Relevant than David Cassidy?


Mexicali, BC, Mex (Noticias Mexicanas) In these troubled economic times, some doubt the old paradigms of Democrat and Republican remain relevant, pointing to ever growing fragmentation on both ends of the political spectrum. Their thesis seemed to gain credence this week, in the splintering of yet another splinter group. Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, Talky PicturesComments (0)

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