Yesterday, we ran Part One of this story. Today we conclude with the aptly named “Part Two”.
These articles as to why Scientology is right and true could as easily span a hundred articles or whole book of copyright protected guidance and instruction, or just a pamphlet.
We chose the middle ground. Well, the lower-middle ground. It’s the internet, after all, and we want people to be able to digest this all before answering what are their crimes.
My tinfoil hat tells me that for some explicable reason, some of you unreasonably “rational” folks out there still aren’t convinced. For the slow learners among you, here are a few more. This time around, you will have NO excuses.
#19 – Absolute certainty
Once you join the Scientologists, you would be REALLY, REALLY STUPID to leave. Just to draw a very loose analogy, you ever hear of Ibn Warraq or Ayaan Hirsi Ali? Well, it’s kinda like that, but with more cosmic ray guns and anti-matter drones in pursuit of your sorry mainstream Homo Sapiens ass.
#20 – Sense of community
Educate your Scientologist underling about something, and he will be loyal to his own opinion for life. Ever tried convincing a Scientologist they were wrong about anything?
#21 – Absolute devotion
In light of reason 20, the unshakable commitment of followers and fellow-travelers. For example: I WILL hunt you down if you laugh at this article. (Sadly necessarily legal disclaimer. That was a joke… relax. Still, play along with it for a while. This shit is serious).
#22 – Pascal’s wager
You may be laughing now: what happens when you end up at the Pearly Gates, but they are actually made of cosmic-proto-cyber-anti-quartz, Darth Vader ties you up and you see good old L. Ron sitting on the Throne of God, rather than your deity of choice. It’ll be too late for tears and excuses and lame appeals to a fictive PVC allergy when your forlornly beshackled good self is thrown into the under-Mothership to be tortured and frazzled by Lord Xenu forevermore in his Cosmic Frat-Fetish Party.
By the way, time is one of our four dimensions, according to mainstream, non-Scientological science. If you’re wondering how long “forevermore” can be, just factor in the number of dimensions there ACTUALLY are; there are some experts who can inform you. Well, given the correct circumstances; including a reasonable degree of fiscal loyalty™ on YOUR part. Yup, we ALL have a role to play 😉
#23 – Scriptual precedents
Many religious texts (not to mention Erich Von Däniken) talk about outer space and cosmic events; they were obviously foreshadowing the dawn of Scientology. Anyone who disagrees merely belongs to a cult that has introduced extraneous hermeneutical principles into their religion, or maybe replaced the original true versions of the texts with faked replacements. (Yup! More “Old Testament” and “People of The Book” accusations than the entirety of Christianity and Islam put together! Talk about a comprehensive view!)
#24 – Autistic Equinox
See 23. Many people have an interest in sci-fi culture, paranormal phenomena, and in recent decades, there has even been “the Space Race.” In addition, there has been a rise in diagnoses of Asperger’s syndrome, although admittedly, not all people with Asperger’s actually like Star Trek or Dr Who (regardless of what the Conspicuously Benevolent Diversity Pimp Industry tells you).
Still, there is a certain vanguard of individuals who wish to promote positive stereotyping of Asperger’s; so that they can be Solid-Gold-Self-Diagnosed-Neurodiverse-Aspies instead of mere Mainstream-Vanilla-Asperger’s-People. See the official agitprop website of the Autistic Vanguard™ , “Autism_talks_crap_then_hits_you_with_his_laser_beams.” Not to confused with the opinions of non-asshole people with Asperger’s (like your old buddy Wallace Runnymede, whose far-from-savant autistic masterpiece you are now reading).
Well? Do you think it’s a mere coincidence that Scientology arose in this context? Isn’t it obvious that the cosmic forces have been preparing the way for some decades, for the world to recognise the truth of scientology?
#25 – Appeal to authority
The most informed experts all agree that scientology is correct.
(Wadaya mean, “WHO…!” Just prove me wrong…! Huh? No… thought not! Gotcha!)
#26 – Effective (more or less)
It works! It works! By Jove, it works! So it must be true… just ask any scientologist!
…Apart from apostates. OBVIOUSLY.
#27 – Democratic spirit
Scientologists never oppress anyone politically. Have you ever heard of a Scientologist political dictator, or even “democratic leader?” Coincidence?
#28 – Scriptual precedents
See 23 and 24. Unlike other religions, Scientologists never make unfounded “connections” between largely unrelated matters, and attribute undue significance to these.
#29 – Wicked enemies
Haters gonna hate Scientology; and the truth is always unpopular. So, Scientologists must be in the right? Yeah? Look at the tragic lives of Hebrew prophets, and Jesus, and Muhammad, and Buddha, and Baha’ullah, and even thwarted edgy music icons like Lil’ Wayne.
#30 – They love you
Scientologists are always keen to find new converts. So they must be pretty self-assured (as already stated), but more importantly, they must really care about you! They just can’t sleep at night, when you are left in such a tragically and pitifully unenlightened state! Jehovah’s witnesses, anyone?
#31 – Not too left-wing
Instead of appealing to Big Government, they set up their own drug rehab etc. They’re practically the leading classical liberals or even libertarians (at a push) of our age! (This is for all you Right-wing readers out there).
#32 – Not too right-wing
Scientologists are top-down, caring and social; they set up their own drug rehab etc. They’re practically the original Social Justice Warriors avant la lettre! (This is for all you Left-wing readers out there).
#33 – Holistic worldview
Answers 31 and 32 add up to Scientology being a holistic worldview that absolutely covers everyone, along with every conceivable aspect of existence; absolutely NO-ONE can claim that their existing preconceptions by some strange chance make Scientology incompatible with their views.
#34 – Scientology Museum in London
What the hell are you laughing at?!… Well, if you accept that the existence of a Creation Museum in Kentucky proves Young Earth Geocentrism, you’ll have no problem with this one…. Right?
#35 – Literary success
L. Ron Hubbard had some sterling pulp-fiction achievements prior to seeing the light; he wrote epic science fiction novels which are actually still occasionally available second hand on Amazon, and won’t cost you the Earth.
Huh? Wadaya mean, specious? Well, if Tolkien, J.K. Rowling or Dan Brown started a religion, you’d definitely be for it, wouldn’t ya?…
And it worked for E. L. James, right?… No?… Well, someone’s never been to Amsterdam, huh? Well, not my problem! I pity you!…
(Because I’m nice, and I want the best for you. OBVIOUSLY).
#36 – Good versus Evil
People who non-reject Scientology are rational, discerning and of good character. People who don’t disdain to non-non-reject Scientology are irrational, emotive scumbags. I’m sure you can all think of some examples…
(Well, I don’t want to spoon-feed you, do I? I’m benevolently bestowing on you an opportunity to use your own critical and rational faculties; that’s what it’s all about!)
#37 – Anti-woo
Scientology is pro-science. I mean, if your kid wants a blood transfusion, well believe it or not, that’s actually A-OK! Pretty generous, huh? Beat that, Watchtower!
Better still, Scientologists believe in gravity, electricity and all that (or enough of it, anyways; well, you know, within reason). Still, don’t get Scientologists started on the crap the Mainstream Medical Industry™ (MMI) tells you about parturition or psychiatry.
#38 – Intuitive certainty
One of the best reasons of all: When they feel it in their hearts, they just know it MUST be true.
#39 – Takes over your life and intellect
Scientology isn’t some mere mainstream “go to church on Sundays” kind of religion; it’s got an answer for absolutely every question the human heart and mind can pose….
#40 – Immaculate accuracy
And needless to say, the answers in question are all absolutely correct, beyond any doubt or qualification whatsoever.
#41 – How about YOU?
Many people ALREADY love Sci-fi, e.g. Star Wars, Star Trek, etc. Are you one of them? Hah! Well, you see?
… That’s right, you guessed it! You are one damn smart cookie! Quite CLEARLY, Lord Xenu has been preparing people’s hearts in advance to embrace Scientology; even before they were born.
(Technically, this is not the same as another answer, which was talking about the prevalence of such sci-fi culture IN SOCIETY. Reason 41 refers to individuals. I mean, Lord Xenu doesn’t ACTUALLY mind the subject-object dichotomy and other merely Earth-bound logical constructions (po-mo-tastic humanities critique, anyone?) Ultimately, in due time, you will understand more clearly; and with the heart, NOT the head).
#42 – JUST LISTEN, WOULD YA!
Oh FFS, I’ve already given you 1000 good reasons by now. Well, if you aren’t convinced enough already… you some kinda lost cause or what? Just F***ING BECOME A SCIENTOLOGIST! Seriously man! What is the HELL is WRONG with you?
P.S. OK, chill. That last one, just used a good Astro-Zen-Dro-Me-Dist technique to disconcert you, didn’t mean to scare you… much.
By the way, did you notice that the number of answers actually adds up to 42? Coincidence?
Yup! You got it! See reason 28!…
And Douglas Adams? Well… I kinda wish I could tell you whether or not he is a cornerstone of the Scientological apocrypha, but then I’d have to kabeeblblazzadaddaboppp!!!@?_:] you, and that wouldn’t be pretty.
Or in keeping with the instructions of my cosmo-corporate lobbyists.
And finally, and most important(-ish-)ly: Cosmic bliss be unto Xenu: the spectacular, the incredible. Xenu be beyond, and far above us, now and forevermore and unto every quasi-temporal dimension of the multiverse. This is all.
Editor’s Pick: