Batshit Woo Peddler John Kerry Declares War on Lord Xenu

John Kerry is a man of the world, but now his flip-flopping has soared astronomically, to the point where it’s on a genuinely cosmic scale.

Yes: no longer content with threatening the leaders of weak, divided countries in the Middle East with abject destruction, Kerry is turning his achingly dynamic turrets on a higher target:

Lord Xenu!

So, let’s see where we go with this one.

I guess, from one perspective, it’s perfectly true to say that Lord Xenu is an absolutely batshit loony idea dreamed up by a freaking wackjob-catastrophe failed cosmic Popeye wannabe with a fucking idiotic sailor’s hat that belongs on a rejected video-only episode of Ron Jeremy and His Cosmic Ass-Riggers! So why should we give a rat’s ass about what these ridiculous kooky-cluster-fuckers even think about us, anyway?
But the other side of this dilemma, which is equally wackadoodle, and of equal crazy-ass power wonk strategically-speculative importance, is that Lord Xenu has been given way too many light years (by far and away!) to talk down to this flashy little Intercosmic Community of mine here in Washington. The illegitimate, undemocratic and worst of all, radically unScientological Xenu regime must vanish from the page of the Astral Wagadoodoo manual. This is utterly non-negotiable.

OK John Boy; but do you actually have a coherent strategy?

Uh-uh-uhhhhhh! Foreign policy auditing can’t just be handed out like candy.
Another 4 trillion dollars, and I might just give you a good answer, son?
Oo, shit! I’m getting really good at this.
Or equally, maybe not.
Uh. Actually I’m not. I’m really not.

I’m going to spare you the rest.

***

Originally published on Satire World.

 

Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at wallacerunnymede#gmail.com (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!

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