Church of Scientology Offer Asylum to (Former) President Trump

Meth-guzzling 60s psychedelic lunatics and dollar-loving all-American Kool Aid hustlers the “Church” of Scientology have show solidarity with fellow deranged plutocrat Donald J. Trump, and offered him refuge from political persecution.

As the most oppressed religious minority in the world, not to mention the most oppressed wealth creator minority in the world, we are better placed than anyone in history to truly understand the plight of Skydaddy Donald. Walking in the path of prophets Jeremiah, Isa, Buddha and Sri Krishna, we too have been despised by the elite mainstream, whose narrow conformity has faced an existential threat from our edgy yet nonetheless insufferably humorous and self-righteous trolling operations.

Just as the First and Second Temples of Israel, the pagan Arabs of the Jahiliyya and the old school Brahmins persecuted all who went before, because they thought their bat-shit crazy, bullshit, made-up opinions were somehow the only remotely entertainable vision of the world, so also do normies and haters persecute the Church of Scientology, not because we are wrong, but because we are right!

I mean, if everybody hates you, you know you’re doing something right, K?! From L Ron Hubbard to Donald Trump, from Charles Taze Russell to Charles Manson, anyone who is derided by several billion people pretty much HAS to be one of the good guys! I mean, speaking for myself, I just personally couldn’t bear it if not only did the entire world laugh at me 24/7, but worse still, they were doing it for a REASON! Because everything I say and do is BULLSHIT! I mean hell, we really, really, really don’t want to live in that kind of horrible world, do we? OF COURSE NOT! So it necessarily follows from this, that Scientology is the ABSOLUTE TRUTH! I mean, if you’re sick of mainstream, middle of the road normie religions who refuse to push the logic of their faith to their ‘logical’ (!) conclusions, then rest assured that the last thing on earth ANY true Scientologist will do is do things by halves, and refuse to follow our reasoning and practices wherever the logical conclusion leads, NO MATTER WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES!!!!!

Uncredited photographer for Los Angeles Daily News [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
Donald Trump, having recently developed a salutary ‘no praise is bad praise’ mindset, is said to be seriously considering the proposal, particularly as the Christian Church and other mainstream normie faiths today are so morally compromised.

Several billion who all hate ME obviously can’t be right, right?

he is said to have muttered to Melania.

Ivanka Trump is said to be in two minds about the idea, but the Mothership has plenty of room for anchor babies…

Provided they’re not Mexican of course!

Trump Family
David Shankbone [CC BY 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons
An edgy Breitbart op-ed says:

Of course, many people in the dishonest fake news media will try to spin this as somehow xenophobic, or even outright racist: but the TOM or Thetan-Occupied MSM is quite clearly responsible for these obvious and transparent falsehoods against the Best of Hermaphroditic Gastropods. And anyways, the very fact likening Trump to Jabba the Hubbard is deemed an INSULT clearly tells you all you need to know about the enemies of the galaxy!

Now we just need to work out where to shove that damn wall!

But then again, as the ancient wisdom says…


Man up, normies!

Breitbart News
Gage Skidmore [CC BY-SA 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons
Sensible non-senile middle of the road dude Joseph ‘Steady Joe Biden’ remarks:

Donald Trump and L Ron Hubbard. One is a demented, highly strung, super-snowflake (brain) death cult leader with a puffy, narcotics-addled face, utterly infuriating voice, and a legion of brainwashed zombie tithers, and the other…
Oh wait, that joke has been going around ever since we dropped that goddamn iceberg in the volcano! Nevermind…

Joe Corn Pop Biden
Malinaccier [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

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Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!