Tag Archive | "satire"

Great Flâneur Massacre: Fictional Endorsements, Endorsements of Fiction (2/2)

Shhh. Don’t laugh. This is pretty damn serious stuff.


Rob, Surname-Lacking and Achingly Committed Painfully Irritating Tenure-Cadger

“Relevant?” That’s a word people in power always use to dismiss me.

Endorsement from “Dr” Kent Hovind

Read the full story


Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, EducationComments (0)

Great Flâneur Massacre: Fictional Endorsements, Endorsements of Fiction (1/2)

Update (22 Sept 2015):

Since the links I posted in this article originally have changed, I have edited the post.

The Great Flâneur Massacre, oddly enough, is satirical, and portrays an academic conference where the “objects of study” start talking back to the individuals presenting papers.

The scholars who are the enlightened benefactors of the audience do not appreciate being talked back to, as they prefer to represent others, rather than to be represented.

So finally, I will quote you a few endorsements of quotes from my novella; just off the top of my head. And yes: when I say that, I really do mean “off the top of my head.”

That is to say: yes, I did indeed make these endorsements up myself. This is true. But on the other hand:

I was the writer of these endorsements before I wasn’t the writer of them.

I smoked these little mistruths out of their holes.

I did not inhale.

Don’t worry if you accuse me of making these up, I’m used to it. We have to free ourselves from the idea that I’m accountable for these things.

Presumably, as you are capable of understanding these highly profound and erudite scholastic jests, you will have no problem understanding the novella ;)


Jean Michault, Middle-Class Trotskyite Revolutionary

(Sorry, I appreciate this is a really fanciful idea!)

Everything, absolutely everything you need to know is in Das Kapital.

Well, provided it’s understood and translated correctly, of course.

Endorsement from Trey Parker and Matt Stone:

Ha! Ha! Ha! That’s really funny.

Jean Michault

(Sorry, he’s a wee bit repetitious, which may come as a surprise to not a few of you!)

Truth is whatever the Trots decide; whether it “works” or not is irrelevant!

Endorsement from Nick Griffin:

I’ve got precisely the same problem, mate! I tried making it work, and now I’m completely irrelevant, just like the Trots! Even the SWP won’t have me!

Still, works in reverse too, of course…

Jean Michault

(Still Flying the Flag for the Dictatorship of the Trottariat!)

President Pot having been unfairly marginalised as some kind of “mass murderer,” whatever that’s supposed to mean.

Endorsement from Noam Chomsky:

Well, I suspect this guy may have been taken out of context. Let’s not jump to any hasty conclusions.

Jean Michault

(Don’t worry, he’s nearly had his Gorbachev moment!)

MY opinion doesn’t matter. MY merely subjective viewpoint is entirely irrelevant.

Endorsement from Pat Robertson:

Well yes, my dear friends, I do agree. I mean, if I’m ever having doubts about anything, I just consult an authoritative text. And then somehow, by some mysterious process of Divine grace and compassionate meditation and spiritual mediation, that our powers of earthly comprehension just cannot penetrate, I just finally get to know I was right all along.


(Last tragic blow of the espresso-hammer!)


Endorsement from Karl Marx:

I’m really, really sorry. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I never thought assholes like him would take it this far.

Endorsement from Friedrich Engels:

Please. Please. Please. Please. Just make him stop. ;(((((


Sophia Fichte, Conference Moderator and Grim Supreme Leader of the (Post?) Enlightened Academy

Of course I don’t deny the existence of ‘facts,’ falsely so-called. Neither do I affirm it/them. Satisfied?

Endorsement from John Kerry:

She couldn’t be more right!

And yet, the other side of this dilemma, which is equally undeniable and obvious, and is of equal strategic importance…

Endorsement from Tony Blair:

Yes, brother! Now, there is a flexible, creative, dynamic thinker and actor, um agent, if ever I saw one.

Sophia Fichte

(So, it turns out that people who use their authority to talk down to others actually do indeed have a habit of yammering on!)

The first point about my critical theory and its general emancipatory objective tendency is to just shut the hell up and listen.

Endorsement from Audre Lorde:

In other words, you want to silence the people you are ‘saving.’


Yes, I know, these quotations are “fake,” if you want to construct put it that way. But they are real Real enough, in a Parisian kind of way.

It is a pity these figures from real life who have provided endorsement do not actually appear in my novel. But perhaps Jean-Michault and Sophia Fichte will be enough of an education. They certainly educated me… :P

Still, for a few more lumpenacadematariat intellectual-class heroes, see the next instalment.


Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Top StoriesComments (0)

John Kerry Finally Gets Around to Threatening Glossynews (Syrian Cooking Pots!)

John Kerry has threatened the pitiful Unamerican/Uncosmopolitan “satire” outlet “Glossynews” with humanitarian annihilation, if we do not shape up.

Read the transcript, and promise me not to laugh. This shit is serious.

The illegitimate Glossynews editorial regime and its vicious hack collaborators, for too long, have defied the wrath of the International Community.

These despicable hooligans truly are “Sinners in the Hand of an Angry Military-Industrial Complex,” and it’s about time they started acting accountably. Read the full story


Posted in Internets Tubes, War ZoneComments (0)

Khomeinisexuality: Meet Iran’s Radical Love-Cleric (Part 1/69: Jizz Be Upon Him)


This one’s for Charlie Hebdo. Nous sommes tous Charlie.

OK, we all know about the obviously malicious and unproven allegations of gratuitously gratifyingly enlightened fatwas on “I’m-a-sexin’ that damn fine chicken” that have been directed at Imam Love Doctor Friday Night Wonder AYATOLLAH Khomeini. Read the full story


Posted in Human Interest, ReligionismComments (0)

Aretha Franklin Chills Satireverse

Damn. Those are some big mammies. We’re talking motor yacht and a snorkel.

[SOURCE 1] and [SOURCE 2].

Some people just can’t take a joke…

I don’t get this one. If anyone should feel slighted it’s LaBelle, who the article states was arrested. Franklin is going to have a tough time proving damages. Read the full story


Posted in Entertainment, Music, Top StoriesComments (1)

Satirists To Decide Comedic Value of Breadsticks

WILLOW GROVE, PENN. Satirists are gathering at a conference titled “This Article Is An Inside Joke” in Willow Grove this weekend to decide if breadsticks are inherently funny or only so when mentioned in the same sentence as “Olive Garden”.

“Breadsticks by their nature are humorous, just mention the word breadsticks and people laugh,” said Conference Chairperson Freeman Bradley Stix. Read the full story


Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Internets TubesComments (16)

Comedians debate the Nature of Satire

Dateline: MONTREAL—Comedians gathered around an enormous round table at the World Comedy Festival to try to answer once and for all the perennial question of whether satire is supposed to be serious or funny.

According to the comedian Lawrence Flappapuss, satire is mainly about making people laugh. “Satirists make fun of things, so satire’s got to be funny,” he said. “Satire should be as funny as physical comedy. That’s why I combine the two in my act.”
Read the full story


Posted in ComicsComments (5)

The Best GlossyNews Stories of December, 2013

We put out $275 in cash prizes for top authors last month, and while nobody beat the top archive stories, we still handed out an additional three cash prizes.

We set out three prizes. One for the top-read article, one for the “funniest” article, and one as a “judges choice,” but we paid out a total of six awards.

Well, we’ll never do that again. Funniest? Throw myself into a volcano before I try to judge such an arbitrary metric again. So many killer entries, how am I supposed to pick? Read the full story


Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets TubesComments (5)

Satire Editor Turns 39, Knows Not What to Do

Ten years ago Glossy News founder Brian White had the unlikely opportunity to turn 29, and I did it, but once and only once. Today he turns 39, and likewise, promises never to do it again. Just too painful.

Back then Glossy News had a diligent, vigilant editor named Mark Fisher working with me. He’s a very funny guy, and a successful guy too, so it’s no wonder he had the good sense to move on. It’s not like they dated or anything, at least not that either of them will admit. Read the full story


Posted in Internets TubesComments (6)

Satire Writer Bittered by Real Life

A SATIRE writer has become jaded after working on a ‘real’ newspaper.

The satire writer, who can not be named because I don’t want to, has revealed to Glossy News that she, erm… that she, or he, has found it increasingly difficult to write satire after their experience in a newsroom.

The writer said: “When I write satire, I often do so from my soapbox, which I sit on, alone, in the dark.

“It usually results in me mindlessly watching the TV or laughing at Internet memes, but after six hours my eyes get tired so I just write something stupid and call it satire.

“But my whole perspective on life has changed ever since I did some work at a proper newspaper.”

The anonymous writer says that they could not believe the stories that were news worthy and has subsequently found it difficult to write anything meaningful, the writer said: “I began to question everything, the price of cheese, why a cat on the train tracks is news, why blue is blue, my existence, everything.

“What place in this world do I have as a writer of satire, making up convoluted, bizarre scenarios, when out there, in the ‘real’ world, they were already happening and being written about?”

The writer pointed to examples of their work that had been written a few months, or in some cases, days, before actual similar events took place: “A good example would be when I wrote about hobos being government spies who were placed to track down minor crimes, turns out it is totally true, I read it in a newspaper.

“There was also the time I wrote about celebrity women being so unnatural that they were actually from an alternate reality. Yesterday I read a report in the newsroom that they are actually aliens sent here to slowly ebb away at our sense of decency and self esteem.”

Asked if they would return to satire, the writer said: “Screw it, I am through with all this, it is getting scary how close to reality satire can be. They say ‘you can’t make it up’, well they are right and that puts me out of a job.”


Posted in Books, Newspapers & MiscComments (5)

Westboro Baptist Church Plans to Protest Itself

Westboro Baptist Church members will be staying in Topeka, Kansas this Sunday to stage what they are calling their most important protest to date. They are going to be protesting themselves.

A statement issued by Westboro leader, Fred Phelps claims that the congregation is running out of funds to protest funerals across America, and the church is therefore re-thinking their strategy. In addition, he claims they came to the conclusion that “the gay thing” might be hitting a little too close to home, but would not elaborate. Read the full story


Posted in ReligionismComments (4)

Massive Sinkhole Threatens to Rip Florida in Half

Tampa, FL – Mildred and Juan Scoleri were outdoors on their patio surveying the excavation work that the pool company had just finished before laying the foundation for the pool they’ve been saving for ever since Juan was still working three janitor jobs and one on the side to make ends meet. It was a dream come true; however, that dream has now turned into a nightmare. The entire state of Florida, with the exception of the lower keys, is suing the Scoleris for what they call “the total destruction of the foundation of Florida!” Read the full story


Posted in Top StoriesComments (0)

State Mottos Change in Several States This Year to Attract Tourism

States are constantly re-inventing themselves this time of year, vying for tourist dollars. The better the state motto on license plates and brochures, the more interest they can garner, which translates into more visitors come spring and summer.

Still, some states never get it. Try as they might, their states just aren’t so great, and they ultimately end up with mediocre mottos. Here are some of our favorites of the new batch. Read the full story


Posted in Human InterestComments (0)

Russian Meteor Actually a Vintage VW Bus

In an experiment that went horribly awry, a piece of space junk fell out of the sky this week and was mistakenly identified as a meteor. It was confirmed that the object that streaked across a part of Russia, causing over 1,000 injuries, mostly from shattered glass, was in fact a vintage VW Bus traveling at approximately 40,000 mph. The fireballs falling from the object were anything from ball bearings to side mirrors as the vehicle hurtled toward earth. Read the full story


Posted in Science & TechnologizzyComments (7)

Woman Claims “It Is What It Is” Wasn’t What It Was

A New Jersey woman has brought charges against a local yoga instructor for misleading her into believing a simple saying could solve most of her life problems.

In her complaint, Marilyn Johnson, a hairdresser from Hoboken, claims that Karma, aka Karen Smith, a yoga instructor, had repeatedly told her “it is what it is” whenever she would ask Karma about her various problems, whether at work or at home. Read the full story


Posted in Human InterestComments (4)

Glenn Beck Saves TheBlaze by Not Offering Sarah Palin Job

God knows I love her, but we can’t have that kinda crazy around here ~ Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck says that when he heard Sarah Palin was leaving Fox News, he couldn’t have been happier.

“Now she will make something of herself, like I did,” he said proudly, adding “There is, after all, life after Fox.”

When Beck was fired from Fox back in the middle of 2011, many wondered if he’d ever recover from that mighty slap in the face by Roger Ailes. They aren’t wondering any longer, however. The answer is “No, he didn’t recover…yet.” Read the full story


Posted in Internets TubesComments (0)

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