Cancel Culture Is Coming for Taco Tuesday

Cancel culture is coming for Taco Tuesday, and I’m leading the charge. Restaurant owners, enough with the Taco Tuesday shit already. We’ve put up with this nonsense for, what? Close to twenty years now, I’d guess, and I’m reaching for the Imodium to stop it once and for all.

Nobody waits all weekend, holds off on Monday (just barely!), then clocks out early on Tuesday afternoon just to eat tacos.

Man wakes from a long coma. “Nurse! Nurse!”

Nurse: “My god, you’re finally awake. This is a miracle. I’ll call your family immediately!” 

Man: “That can wait. First, I need to know something. What day is it today?”

Nurse: “It’s March 30. You’ve been in a coma for over two years.”

Man grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her. “No! What day of the week is it?!”

“Why, it’s a Wednesday,” she stammers.

“Nooooooo!” Man collapses back into a coma until the following Monday evening.

Even Taco Bell avoided this, which should tell you something. But then again, some evil mad genius at the Taco Bell test kitchen came up with the Doritos Loco Taco, which is really some diabolical shit when you think about it. Taco factoid: Taco Bell has sold over 1 billion DLTs. Clearly, Taco Tuesday is beneath them.

Look, people eat tacos on only three occasions: Late at night, when they’re drunk; any time of day in Austin, Texas; or while on vacation in Mexico.

And what’s up with Mexican food restaurants having Taco Tuesday? Every day is Taco Day at a Mexican restaurant. How did this promotion get fused to a weekday like melted cheese to a flour tortilla? The blame lies on American, non-Spanish-speaking Mexican food restaurant owners. I promise you, no Mexican has ever declared, “Esta noche, es martes de tacos.”

What’s worse, it’s spread like a cockroach infestation into every other restaurant franchise type imaginable.

DJ on the radio: “That’s a double-shot of Led Zeppelin here on Two-fer Tuesday… And that reminds me, it’s Taco Tuesday down at O’Flanagan’s Bar and Grill tonight… Ohhh- Flanagan’s, home of the famous shepherd’s pie taco. They’ve got that on special along with two-for-one Guinness margaritas tonight, so get on down there, puh-ron-towww.”

I don’t even know how Taco Tuesday got so popular in the first place. It’s just two words that start with T; they don’t even rhyme. Why not Turkey Tuesday? Tuna Tuesday? Or Sandwich Saturday, Submarine Sunday and Muffaletta Monday? Ooh—what about Sundae Sunday? That one actually sounds pretty good, if you like ice cream as much as I do.

Here’s another problem: Taco Tuesday isn’t fair to everyone. Specifically, parents. I have kids, and they have bullshit things like school and soccer practice that fill up our weekdays. But I happen to like tacos, too. In fact, I fucking love them, especially with three to four margaritas on the rocks at half-price. Yet while I’m stuck at home with my family on Tater-Tot Tuesday, everyone else is out there having an awesome time at Wyatt’s Cantina, scarfing down tacos to the tune of classic rock by Aerosmith and Queen, two songs at a time.

My wife and I have to wait until Friday for date night to go out and eat tacos. But do restaurants run a Fajita Friday special, or have Sopapilla Sundays, for that matter? Fuck no, they don’t. I always pay full price, and I usually have to wait in line to get in.

It’s had a good run, but Taco Tuesday is about as fresh as two old white guys high-fiving each other. Want to sell extra drinks? Run Margarita Monday. You can pour premixed well margaritas out of a slushie machine and charge full price for your tacos. See? That was easy.

As they say in Spanish, “De nada.” 

Author: John Sandbach

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