Tag Archive | "satire"

Woman Claims “It Is What It Is” Wasn’t What It Was


A New Jersey woman has brought charges against a local yoga instructor for misleading her into believing a simple saying could solve most of her life problems.

In her complaint, Marilyn Johnson, a hairdresser from Hoboken, claims that Karma, aka Karen Smith, a yoga instructor, had repeatedly told her “it is what it is” whenever she would ask Karma about her various problems, whether at work or at home. Read the full story

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Glenn Beck Saves TheBlaze by Not Offering Sarah Palin Job


God knows I love her, but we can’t have that kinda crazy around here ~ Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck says that when he heard Sarah Palin was leaving Fox News, he couldn’t have been happier.

“Now she will make something of herself, like I did,” he said proudly, adding “There is, after all, life after Fox.”

When Beck was fired from Fox back in the middle of 2011, many wondered if he’d ever recover from that mighty slap in the face by Roger Ailes. They aren’t wondering any longer, however. The answer is “No, he didn’t recover…yet.” Read the full story

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Posted in Internets TubesComments (0)

From COPS to Pot Farmers: How Reality TV Has Done a 360


Everyone who is a fan of reality television knows that COPS is credited with being the first reality-based show on television. A staple on Saturday nights, COPS ruled the roost in reality television for several decades on Fox before being pushed aside for more elaborate shows on other channels.

So it is more than ironic that the latest offering in reality TV shows would be about an activity that has law enforcement officials feeling helpless to stop—Pot Farming in Northern California. Read the full story

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Satirical News Article Solves U.S. Gun Violence Problem


FAIRFAX, VA – The contentious issue of gun control in the U.S. appears to have been fully resolved today, following the on-line publication of a satirical news article which instantly united advocates on both sides of the issue with its brilliant wit and insight.

The satirical news article, which combined the irreverent humor of The Onion with the sharp comedic incisiveness of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, had gun rights defenders and gun control advocates nodding their heads in laughter and agreement. Read the full story

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Posted in SocietyComments (5)

“Gun Bubble Imminent” Claims Financial Wizard


E. Edmund Worthington, a foremost prognosticator in the world of weapons pricing, is warning potential gun buyers to save their cash and quit buying guns.

“The prices are way too high now folks,” said Worthington in a voice resembling a concerned father, as he began talking about the crazy run on guns taking place all over America.

“Even if you have a gun permit or are sane enough to apply for one, it’s just too much of a financial risk,” he warned his rapt audience at the annual American Armament and Bankers Conference in Roanoke, Virginia. Read the full story

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Posted in Biz News, CrimeComments (2)

Top GlossyNews.com Articles of 2012


For the first time in our 10+ years of publishing, we’re getting in on the end-of-year “top lists” game with a list of our top 10, well, 30 actually, stories of 2012.

These are broken into three lists. Top Stories of 2012, Top Stories from our Archives, and Top sub-site pages.

Everything is linked, so feel free to click on as many as you like. All links open in new windows. Read the full story

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Sick Of Fighting In Mideast, World Builds Wall Around Israel And Palestine.


A spontaneously assembled group of nations, tired of the constant turmoil coming out of Israel and Palestine, have built a wall entirely surrounding both lands. These countries, after attempting for years to introduce peace initiatives to both lands, finally reached the end of their patience and are no longer willing to put up with the bull headed, self centered attitudes of the leaders and people of both sides. Read the full story

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Mitt Romney Places Personal Ad in Wall Street Journal for ‘Friend’


Former GOP Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney took out a classified ad today in the Wall Street Journal seeking a new friend to “pal around with.”

“I have everything money can buy,” Romney said in an interview, “but I have never really taken the time to buy myself a good friend that I can just hang out with, watch the game with and just, you know, do friend things with.”

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

The classified ad states that the friend must have at least a graduate degree in either political science or economics, be financially secure, Mormon and married with at least two children. Read the full story

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Honey Boo Boo Ups Salary Demand to Include Twinkies Bonus


Alana Thompson, the child star of the reality hit (by the lowest standards possible) series Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was told on Friday that her favorite snack food, Twinkies, were no longer going to be sold in stores and she was going to have to find another sweet treat to get her through the day.

“No mama no!” screamed the pint-sized puddin’ pop when told she could only have Little Debbie Cloud Cakes instead. Read the full story

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Election Day 2012, Wall-to-Wall Coverage… Seriously


GlossyNews.com – Welcome to GlossyNews’ election day coverage. We’re running about three stories per hour, though more during the peak of the evening, so keep it here and we’ll feed you, baby bird.

ALL ELECTION DAY 2012 HEADLINES

You want the news from around the country, and you better bet your sweet ass, we’ve got the news for you. Read the full story

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Posted in Internets Tubes, PoliticsComments (10)

GlossyNews Staff Shocked By Layoff Notices


In a surprising development this morning layoff notices were delivered to the 45 employees of the company who work in the print division. This was an unexpected move coming so close on the heels of the recent tenth anniversary.

Locked in a heated battle for overall supremacy of the satire market with long time rival The Onion, GlossyNews has consistently shown class and humor while it’s competitor has only occasionally shown either. Read the full story

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Posted in Internets TubesComments (2)

Holy Lord, We’re the 2nd Longest Running Satire Site


“Holy tap-dancing Christ,” said editor Brian K. White on Monday, when he realized that GlossyNews.com is in fact the second longest running satire site on the internet.

“There were so many greats that came before us, and sure it was just by a narrow margin, but they did beat us,” said White. “And I know a lot of the other ones fell [offline], but I didn’t realize it was down to just us and The Onion.” Read the full story

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Posted in Internets TubesComments (7)

Senator Joe Manchin has Existential Crisis after Reading Facebook Comment


Facebook vigilante, Bobby D. Foster’s has struck yet another Senator.

The unprovoked Facebook comment reads as follows:

Dear Senator Manchin,

I just wanted to inform you that I am quite disappointed that your chin is not as manly as you name suggests. Have a nice day.

-BDF

The actual comment can be found here on Facebook. Read the full story

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Posted in PoliticsComments (1)

Senator Alexander’s Facebook Falls Victim to Mildly Harassing Comment


Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander has reportedly suffered a mildly harassing comment on his official Facebook profile.

The offending remark was in response to an article the Senator posted which warned against the dangers of the looming fiscal cliff.

The following is a direct transcription of the comment:

“Dear Senator Alexander,
I just wanted to agree with you that heading toward a fiscal cliff is absolutely terrifying. Unless, of course, you have a fiscal hang glider. Then it would be pretty fiscally radical. Have a nice day.
-BDF”

The actual comment can be found here:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/405187662880509/.

The Extreme Sports League of America’s spokeswoman, Laurie Greatstone, has come out in protest against the remark.

“Fiscal hang gliding is a stupendously dangerous,” announced Ms. Greatstone at a recent press conference called in response to the post, “Dozens of amateurs died during last year’s fiscal cliff debacle. Encouraging others to take part in a sport that takes decades to master by calling it “pretty fiscally radical” is not only stupid, but also criminally irresponsible.”

Asked about the comment, Senator Alexander had this to say:

You damned kids with your newfangled roller blades, and walkmans, and fiscal hang gliders! Get the hell off my porch! (We were standing in the middle of the Capitol rotunda at the time of that quote)

The only known suspect, one Bobby D. Foster, who posted the comment, remains at large. If you have any information that could lead to his capture, please inform the Internet Police immediately.

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Shepard Smith to Leave FOX News Over Harassment?


Shepard Smith, long time Fox News Anchor and deeply closeted homosexual, announced today that he will be leaving the Republican broadcasting network at the end of his current contract.

Sometimes considered the only voice of reason on the network, his departure will further sully the image of America’s leading satire television news channel, leaving only The 700 Club to fill the comedy void.

RIGHT: Shep Smith sounds off with a quote from a know-nothing about which he knows nothing, as if it means something, which it didn’t and doesn’t. (CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Senator Rubio’s Facebook Falls Victim to Mildly Harassing Comment


Freshman U.S. Senator Marco Rubio has reportedly suffered a mildly harassing comment on his official Facebook profile.

The offending remark was in response to an article the Senator posted which claimed, “Rubio slams Obama, Biden on economy.”

The following is a direct transcription of the comment:

“Dear Senator Rubio,

Your speech in Nevada was absolutely ravishing. I loved watching you mercilessly slam Obama and Biden over and over. You gave the president a real mouthful.

You just kept vigorously inserting knock after knock. I remember thinking to myself: how can Rubio possibly take these two guys at the same time? Is his endurance going to hold up? Is he going to get overwhelmed or tired and finish early?

But no! You stayed strong throughout. You lubed up the crowd and really got them to go down on your side. They were screaming for more and more! And you gave it to them. And when you did finally finish, I couldn’t help but burst at the rhetorical coup you just handed the Republicans. Then I fell asleep.”

The actual comment can be found here:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=284706728311990&set=o.405187662880509&type=3&theater.

When asked to opine on the matter, Senator Rubio had the following to say:

“My Facebook profile? Really? You guys know I don’t ever check that thing. I get over 100 comments a day.”

Daniel Polanski, Rubio’s part-time social media intern was not as lucky as his boss. He was recently admitted to Georgetown University for near fatal exposure to innuendo.

“The double entendre…” muttered Daniel when I visited in the hospital ward, “It was just…it was just…it just kept coming, you know? All over me. I couldn’t take it all at the same time. It just penetrated so deep…into my soul. But I kept at it because I figured…if I took it out…of context…and went down fast…down the page…then it would end quickly, but it was just…it wouldn’t stop coming! The puns…the insinuation…they just wouldn’t stop!”

Daniel then lapsed into a coma.

The only known suspect, one Bobby D. Foster, who posted the comment, remains at large. When I confronted the chief FBI investigator concerning the slow pace of his investigation, he spilled his whiskey and soda down his bathrobe, let out a high pitched scream, asked me how the hell I’d gotten into his basement den, and promptly threw me out of his house.

If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Bobby D. Foster, immediately report him to the Internet Police.

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