Tag Archive | "Glossy News"

Glossy News Classics (III): Kilroy’s ‘4 Out of 5 Republicans in Anonymous Survey Admit to Liking Dick’


Some satire is refined, sophisticated, and classy; see, for example, “The Satirist” of Dan Geddes.

But sometimes, you can’t be arsed with a steak filet, and you just want a nice, greasy, roadkill hamburger!

I hope you will perceive this as one of the most pointedly prominent Dick jokes in the history of the satire media!

And another article tomorrow will point you to some more of them…


Support for Dick Cheney and former President George Bush to be prosecuted for torture appear to have fallen faster than an erection in Hillary Clinton’s presence according to inside sources. Read the full story


Posted in Top Stories, War ZoneComments (3)

Busted: GlossyNews.com Faked Charlie Hebdo-Style Attack to Cash In on Expanded Readership

“Absolutely despicable!” stated loyal Glossy fan Jason Nimknuts when he found out about it. “I knew they could be low, but I would never have imagined them stooping to this! Dumb bastards!”

After seeing the famed French satire magazine Charlie Hebdo’s sales go into the stratosphere when their new issue came out only two weeks after their office personnel were gunned down by Islamic extremists, the publisher and crew of Glossy News Website, a Seattle based Ruppert Murdochesque media conglomerate, got the bright idea to make their own little tragedy. Read the full story


Posted in World NewsComments (3)

Top Glossy News February Stories Announced… Doozies Included

Well, it’s been a crazy month, and traffic has been higher than it has in at least a year, so here are the winners… and yes, there are some surprises in the mix.

The first surprise is that reigning champ, P. Beckert, opted out of the contest for February, leaving her very well read shoes to be filled and rewarded to other writers… Sure, those metaphors are overly mixed, but it doesn’t change the facts. Read the full story


Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets TubesComments (6)

CNN Caught Scanning Glossynews.com For Story Ideas

Once again, the mainstream media has swooped in to steal our precious exclusive. We reported it first, but CNN & reality had a different idea when they took the story from the realm of satire into public consciousness.

These stories may look different, on the surface, but scratch a bit deeper and you’ll find that you’re going to get an infection by doing that. Don’t scratch at it, it only makes it worse when you do.

Wolf Blitzer, his real name, proved the mental might of CNN anchors when he appeared on celebrity Jeopardy, but we had no idea how low they would go.

This article appeared on 2-3-14


Full story here.

“The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is investigating an outbreak this week of gastrointestinal illness on Royal Caribbean’s Explorer of the Seas; the cause has not yet been determined.”

“Are cruise ships floating petri dishes?”

And this article appeared on 1-31-14


Full story here.

“Royal Caribbean Cruise Line announced today that its cruise ships have been granted special status as “National Centers For Emerging and Zoonotic Infectious Diseases” by the Atlanta based US health authority Centers for Disease Control (CDC).”

“In other news, Royal Caribbean announced it will be changing the name of its liners to “Traveling Petri Dish” to more fully covey the breadth of experience people will enjoy.”

Coincidence? I think not. Blatant theft of factual reality? Quite likely. Journalistic untegrity? Quite clearly. They didn’t even cite us as a source.

Need I say more?


Posted in Health, Internets TubesComments Off on CNN Caught Scanning Glossynews.com For Story Ideas

GlossyNews January, 2014 Contest Announced

Winners from December will be announced this evening, with a story detailing the victors within the next week.

The January, 2014 contest is more of the same from last month, almost exactly. $150 if your January story is the top traffic story of the month. No cheating, please, I check the stats. If you don’t beat me or the archives, the top story for the month still wins $75. Read the full story


Posted in Internets TubesComments (4)

GlossyNews Hire Writers Who Wrote Text Over Jong Un Uncle’s Execution

Glossy News is viciously striving to beat all the other spoof news websites fighting tooth and nail to hire the writer who wrote the fiery rhetoric slamming North Korea’s President’s Jong Un’s uncle on national news.

The former second in lead in the notoriously repressive 4th world state, Jang Song Thaek, was dramatically stripped of his positions by his nephew Jong Un and executed a day later. Read the full story


Posted in Politics, World NewsComments (0)

Glossy Staff Admits Butt-Hurt After Reaming by NRA Riled Redneck Brigade

The staff of Glossy news is busy licking their wounds today after a fierce word-lashing by a number of drive-by commentator fan(atic)s of the NRA. While a few commenters stand out in the article, the sum of their words was what really drew us to introspection.

John Woodie (we suspect this is an alias either to impress the ladies or because he works in the porn industry) laid the heavy gauge verbal ammo on the entire Glossy crew after becoming pestilently peeved by an article by alleged writer Rfreed entitled ‘Obama Let’s His Bad Self Out All Over The NRA’s LaPierre‘.

Mr. Woodie (no relation to the ‘Toy Story’ character, who even as a toy, still knew compassion), finding the admittedly obnoxious article to severely contradict his own thoroughly thought out and scientifically studied beliefs promptly fired off eviscerating email salvos intended to shred any self worth the normally passive and sheep like Glossy staff might have.

The effects of them were devastating to the sensitive and delicate natures of the shocked Glossy caretakers.

Publisher Brian White, awakening at last at 4 PM from an meth and krokodil stupor upon his harem-sized waterbed in the $10 million dollar Glossy Penthouse atop the Chrysler Building shook off the last of his dreams of having shared the watery love platform with both a naked Miley Cyrus and Sophia Vergara.

He tied his Kimono tighter around his waste and proceeded down the circular stairs to his suede-drenched office, having to push aside the empty bottles of Citron Platinum (non-circulating) littering the landing left over from the staff meeting/orgy from that afternoon. Yes, meetings in our office more than well attended, they’re also well attended.

White had the breath knocked out of him upon reading Mr. Woodies bombast, so caustic it started to melt even the specialized megapixel scene of the super Apple on his beta iPhone7. It was so shocking even he, hardened by many years in the satire field, could only emit a muted gasp. Kind of a gulp gasp, but you get the idea.

From the other side of the office he heard a whimper. There he found his faithful apprentice, Donald Trump, (yes, the same one. This job is the real secret of him making his millions,) curled up in a fetal position behind the life-size Che Guevara statue in the corner, softly sobbing, sobbing softly, and sobbing softly like an SOB.

“I take it you read the missive.” White asked of the faux-billionaire. “Oh God! …Yes!” gasped the orange husk of a man, his normally carefully plastered hair a tangled mess of orange mesh fur skewering out in all directions.) “It …was… so mean!” He then went in to an uncontrollable fit of hysterical tears, which is normally for him three to four times each day.

“Has Becky seen this?” White asked.

“Yes,” answered Trump between mad gasps of air.

“Sorry you had to read this Becky,” said White. “God!” thought White, “They are dropping like flies around here.”

An operative from inside the White House working at Glossy News headquarters known only as “J. Robinette B.” said, “They done gave us a good ass-whuppin, Delaware style!” adding, “Now I know what he meant by being butt-hurt. These NRA boys, man, they can give you an enema with astro-turfed words alone, and I do mean ass…tro-turfed. Get it?”

By the next morning, nearly all of Glossy’s 132 employees had quit or called in sick, all mauled by the savage beating they took from the viciously vocal Mr. Woody et al. Mr. White, his empire in alleged, supposed tatters, had to raise the red white and blue flag of surrender (the French one, not the US flag) and enter into negotiations to sell his website to FOX News owner Rupert Murdoch, for pennies on the dime.

Editors addendum- Midway through this fray, the purveyor of the original article, Rfreed wandered in from the street wearing his usual pink, overly tight hot pants and leather thigh high black lace up boots with stiletto heels, his white see-though halter top tied at the bottom and exposing the amazing cleavage he didn’t have, whining his eyes out. He threw himself limply upon the over-sized, overstuffed leopard skin couch and sobbed into a pillow.

“Oh God!” he whined, “that bastard implied that I was gay!”

Nothing we said would console him, and we even said we’d take him to Barney’s.


Posted in Sports Events, War ZoneComments (1)

Police Boot Respected Glossy News Writer From Japan

Tokyo, Japan – (GlossyNews.com) – A respected writer from the world’s second oldest spoof news site was hurriedly whisked away from the Japanese capital after police authourites found him ‘leering and staring with his trousers down’ at a group of high school girls posing for photos in Peace Park in downtown Tokyo. Read the full story


Posted in EntertainmentComments (7)

Famous Magazines Make Their (Stupid?) Presidential Endorsements

GlossyNews.com – With election day at hand magazines are getting in on the political action with endorsements, often ham-handed ones, of their own. While some are obvious (oh really? NYTimes went for Obama and Wall Street Journal went for Romney? I’m shocked!) others have been more nuanced. Read the full story


Posted in PoliticsComments (1)

Glossy News Rumor Mill on the Fritz

Glossy News is usually the first to get all the news that is fit to print out there for everyone in a somewhat timely manner. However, due to mechanical failures which have occurred in the past couple of weeks, the conveyor belt that runs the rumor mill has gone kaput.

Stories are being churned out manually, which is causing a backlog.

It’s slow going but it is going. You’ll see your stories up on the front page just as soon as possible.

The rumors being circulated that Lucille Ball has come back from the dead and is messing everything up with liquored-up candies are false. There is liquor involved, but no candies that we are aware of.

Thanks to all who write for Glossy News and thanks, especially, for your patience and understanding.


Posted in News In Your BriefsComments (16)

‘The Onion’ Publishes an Issue of True Stories

Foxpeter Grove, MD (GlossyNews) — The Onion, America’s premier satire and humor newspaper, shocked the literary world today by publishing an issue of ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORIES!

The US’s flagship smart-ass site today reported on several newsworthy incidents that actually happened. On page two, the Great O reported on a woman who, about to take a snort of cocaine found that the powder formed a perfect picture of the Virgin Mary. The woman, however, was a devout Buddhist (except for snorting cocaine) and snorted it up anyway. Read the full story


Posted in Books, Newspapers & MiscComments (3)

Alert – Redneck Right Wingers Have Learned To Type And Have Infiltrated The Internet

ALERT! ALERT! Hard right rednecks have learned to use the Internet and even more horrifyingly the comments section of Glossy News. Someone has taught them to type and in some cases even to spell. They are swiftly learning to use it as an apt rapier in the never ending duel between Neanderthals and Cro-Magnons…, er, I mean between arch conservatives and the holy free writers and thinkers of the web in their eternal fight to win freedom for all humans especially the sexy pretty ones who love nerdy heroes. Read the full story


Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

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