Trump Translation Guide

Over the first two years of Donald Trump’s presidency, he has made countless incredible statements and many bold claims about how great he is, how horrible his detractors are, and all the historic achievements he has made, which, according to him, no other president has accomplished.

According to the Washington Post’s Fact Checker database, in his first two years of office, Trump has made over 6,400 false or misleading claims.

Every day he makes another outrageous pronouncement. It has gotten to the point where it can be extremely hard to know if even he believes the things that he says. So, as a public service, Glossy News has created a Trump Translation Guide to help people understand what our president is REALLY trying to say.

Below is a small sampling of some of President Trump’s recent statements and our best guestimate of what he actually means. We apologize for any correct spellings which may appear to contradict the President’s preferred misspelling. Read more Trump Translation Guide

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Bored Donald Trump Plans Orgy for West Wing

The White House announced yesterday, that the “you’re fired” bo$$, Donald J. Trump, was ranting about how bored he is with all the talk about people’s lives in the balance, do gooders, strikes, furloughs, whiny workers, and the general lack of attention he has been getting lately.

{paraphrasing} “I mean seriously? We are more concerned about government employees not getting paid than how I look on camera?” According to unnamed (Deep State) reporters, if he had to be the boss all the time, he might as well take advantage of the down time (due to government shutdown at the time of this writing)…to have some fun for a change. Read more Bored Donald Trump Plans Orgy for West Wing

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Glossy News Exclusive Leak! ‘Rudy Giuliani Defense’ Finally Revealed!

Washington, DC- After months of seemingly incoherent and contradictory explanations, including this weekends bombshell revelation by the Presidents personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, who admitted in a televised interview on Sunday, that President Donald Trump had ongoing contact with Vladimir Putin-connected Russians for the duration of his Presidential campaign… Some recently leaked Trump Organization internal documents reveal key details regarding the strategy behind the President’s unorthodox defense. We spoke to a source within the Trump Organization, who verified these details on the condition of anonymity.

According to series of emails sent on April 8th of 2017, two (unidentified) White House lawyers were growing more and more concerned with the direction of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, and had made the determination that if the investigation continued to proceed on it’s current trajectory, the President and his children, were likely to face criminal charges in the months leading up to the 2018 mid-term election.

Read more Glossy News Exclusive Leak! ‘Rudy Giuliani Defense’ Finally Revealed!

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Adderall Effectiveness Being Questioned After Recent Revelations

Adderall, the premier pharmaceutical prescribed for treatment of ADHD in many Americans, has recently had its effectiveness called into question. With a long history of providing focus to those who suffer from ADHD, it has historically been thought of as a wonder drug with proven and consistent results. Now those long held beliefs are being threatened after the revelation that president Trump is a frequent user of this product.

Read more Adderall Effectiveness Being Questioned After Recent Revelations

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Ann Coulter Grants Trump Permission to Reopen Federal Government… Finally.

Washington, DC- Political pundit, and current Trump Administration Minister of All Things Policy, Ann Coulter, granted President Donald Trump permission to end the federal government shutdown on Thursday, claiming she was bored with the lack of progress achieved after another fruitless round of negotiations failed to reach a bipartisan deal on Wednesday.

“Fuck it, I’m bored with this,” she wrote on her Shitter feed Thursday morning. “Bipartisan negotiations have failed. The Wall is dead. @TheRealDonaldTrump, I think you made my point. Please pass the CR NOW and reopen the government.” #FartOfTheDeal #WhoIn2020?

Many on the right were taken by surprise with Coulter’s Sheets, and voiced their displeasure with her shutdown reversal, which has entered it’s 27th day and is the longest in American history.

Read more Ann Coulter Grants Trump Permission to Reopen Federal Government… Finally.

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Are all Americans Guilty of Hate Crimes against President Trump?

Dateline: D.C.— Under federal hate crime laws, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has targeted both critics and supporters of President Trump, for “abusing a mentally incompetent old man,” according to a spokesperson for Mr. Mueller’s office.

“If you saw a physically disabled person and instead of helping her out, you berated her ruthlessly or else lured into making a fool of herself, you could easily foul afoul of hate speech laws,” said the spokesperson.

These laws are designed to prevent crimes committed on the basis of a person’s protected characteristics such as her race, religion or gender—but also her disability. Read more Are all Americans Guilty of Hate Crimes against President Trump?

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