Glossy News Exclusive Leak! ‘Rudy Giuliani Defense’ Finally Revealed!

Washington, DC- After months of seemingly incoherent and contradictory explanations, including this weekends bombshell revelation by the Presidents personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, who admitted in a televised interview on Sunday, that President Donald Trump had ongoing contact with Vladimir Putin-connected Russians for the duration of his Presidential campaign… Some recently leaked Trump Organization internal documents reveal key details regarding the strategy behind the President’s unorthodox defense. We spoke to a source within the Trump Organization, who verified these details on the condition of anonymity.

According to series of emails sent on April 8th of 2017, two (unidentified) White House lawyers were growing more and more concerned with the direction of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, and had made the determination that if the investigation continued to proceed on it’s current trajectory, the President and his children, were likely to face criminal charges in the months leading up to the 2018 mid-term election.

Read more Glossy News Exclusive Leak! ‘Rudy Giuliani Defense’ Finally Revealed!

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Adderall Effectiveness Being Questioned After Recent Revelations

Adderall, the premier pharmaceutical prescribed for treatment of ADHD in many Americans, has recently had its effectiveness called into question. With a long history of providing focus to those who suffer from ADHD, it has historically been thought of as a wonder drug with proven and consistent results. Now those long held beliefs are being threatened after the revelation that president Trump is a frequent user of this product.

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Ann Coulter Grants Trump Permission to Reopen Federal Government… Finally.

Washington, DC- Political pundit, and current Trump Administration Minister of All Things Policy, Ann Coulter, granted President Donald Trump permission to end the federal government shutdown on Thursday, claiming she was bored with the lack of progress achieved after another fruitless round of negotiations failed to reach a bipartisan deal on Wednesday.

“Fuck it, I’m bored with this,” she wrote on her Shitter feed Thursday morning. “Bipartisan negotiations have failed. The Wall is dead. @TheRealDonaldTrump, I think you made my point. Please pass the CR NOW and reopen the government.” #FartOfTheDeal #WhoIn2020?

Many on the right were taken by surprise with Coulter’s Sheets, and voiced their displeasure with her shutdown reversal, which has entered it’s 27th day and is the longest in American history.

Read more Ann Coulter Grants Trump Permission to Reopen Federal Government… Finally.

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Are all Americans Guilty of Hate Crimes against President Trump?

Dateline: D.C.— Under federal hate crime laws, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has targeted both critics and supporters of President Trump, for “abusing a mentally incompetent old man,” according to a spokesperson for Mr. Mueller’s office.

“If you saw a physically disabled person and instead of helping her out, you berated her ruthlessly or else lured into making a fool of herself, you could easily foul afoul of hate speech laws,” said the spokesperson.

These laws are designed to prevent crimes committed on the basis of a person’s protected characteristics such as her race, religion or gender—but also her disability. Read more Are all Americans Guilty of Hate Crimes against President Trump?

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Alert: New Interview With Trump about The “Wall”

Reporter: As your Number One priority tell us what you are going to do about immigration.
Trump: Who said it was Number One? Better parking near my Trump Towers is my number one priority. Damn media bias.
Reporter: But the wall?
Trump: To tell the truth I don’t like immigrants.
Reporter: Why is that?


Trump: There are too many of them, and they come from some other country.
Reporter: But they are immigrants.
Trump: That’s no excuse. They should just stay home.
Reporter: Who would do the jobs they do like pick ferns I just read about?
Trump: Anybody can pick ferns. What’s so hard about that? I have hired a lot of people
to pick ferns around my properties.
Reporter: But, generally they do a lot of jobs Americans won’t do.
Trump: I doubt that. I’ll have my new Secretary of the Interior, what’s-his-name, look
into that.
Reporter: So what is your position on immigration?
Trump: Who me?
Reporter: Who else am I talking to?
Trump: I’ll give you five free nights in Trump Towers, and maybe some extra perks,
dinner, dancing… if you get what I mean, if we can just drop this whole thing.
Reporter: No, the people want to know.
Trump: Well, I’ll tell you the truth… I believe in the truth, you know. You can write that
down. Not like that Kenyan Muslim… I don’t want them here. We’ve already got plenty
of people.
Reporter: But they really want to come here. They will make good Americans.
Trump: They will make lousy Americans. Look, I don’t like foreigners. They should just
stay home.
Reporter: Overall, they will help the economy.
Trump: Not on your life. They send all their money back to Mexico.
Reporter: But Americans are immigrants. They all came here from somewhere else.
Trump: Well, Europe, maybe, but they aren’t foreigners.
Reporter: What about America as the great melting pot?
Trump: They don’t melt. Most of them can’t even speak English.
Reporter: Who’s going to clean your house?
Trump: If I can’t get anyone else to do it I’ll make my wife do it. She obeys me.
Reporter: So you think a wall will work?
Trump: Look, I’ve built far more things than you have even seen, four eyes, and get a prettier
blouse. Stop with the silly questions. Of course it will work. I’m the greatest builder the world
has ever known. THE GREATEST!

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Pelosi Agrees to Trump’s Wall… On One Condition!

The Lego Solution

By Saturday, the day the U.S. government came to a grinding halt, Washington, D.C. long-timer and incoming Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi had “had enough of the wall already.”

We all know how Pelosi feels about “the” Wall. After meeting with Trump and Chuck Schumer over the impending government shut down, she made some kind of statement about Trump’s manhood or something, and then the gloves (or in Pelosi’s case, the earrings) were off, power sunglasses on.

So, while most Americans were trying to decide if they liked the sturdiness-looking wall that costs way more than the slatty-kinda wall, that costs less because it will take less steel to produce and we all know with the prices China is charging us for steel these days… Well, it was a tough decision. I mean, cost consciousness without a soul, or give Americans jobs by allowing them to manufacture steel here so that more steel can be made, not to mention the shipping costs we’d save. Do you know how much it costs to ship enough steel slatty-things from China to build “a wall” from California to Louisiana? Read more Pelosi Agrees to Trump’s Wall… On One Condition!

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Mark Meadows Vows House Freedom Caucus Will Support Wall Funding

Senator Explains There Are “Other Options” To Sink This Bill (And All Others Like It)

Washington, DC- House Freedom Caucus(HFC) Chairman Mark Meadows (R-NC) told reporters that members of the HFC would not block President Trump’s request for an additional $5 Billion in funding to build a wall along the southern border, on Wednesday.
The support of the HFC comes on the heals of a televised showdown on Tuesday involving the President, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer and Vice President Mike Pence, as the two apposing factions sat down to discuss compromiseThe House Freedom Caucus supports the Presidents request for full funding of a southern wall, in every way, shape or form… except with regards to an actual pledge of our votes. As conservatives, we are trained to look at any large scale government funding project with a degree of cynicism, but in the instance of keeping non-English speakers out of the country, I think we can imply that we’re willing to make an exception,” Meadows told reporters from the steps of Congress.

House Freedom Caucus Chairman Mark Meadows(R-NC) Pictured in his official congressional photo.

Read more Mark Meadows Vows House Freedom Caucus Will Support Wall Funding

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Trump Declares USMCA Funds Border Wall… Trudeau Disagrees

Buenos Aires, Argentina- On Friday, leaders from the United States, Mexico, and Canada formally endorsed the United States- Mexico- Canada Agreement (USMCA) before a packed house at the G-20 Summit.

On Monday, US President Donald Trump declared political victory via twitter.

“Just signed USMCA, the largest trade deal in the history of mankind. This deal is great for America, will create millions of jobs, and fully funds our Big Beautiful Wall. I told you Mexico would pay for it. #Promises Kept #MAGA #Big Beautiful Wall #USMCA”

In an interview with members of the Canadian press corps, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau disputed Trump’s claims, and made a few of his own.

Read more Trump Declares USMCA Funds Border Wall… Trudeau Disagrees

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Republicans Outperform in Midterms, Russian Hackers Escape Blame

Kiev, Ukraine – Comparing the results to what pollsters had predicted in the lead up to Election Day, politicans and journalists have generally concluded that, with few exceptions, Republicans outperformed expectations by several percentage points. Read more Republicans Outperform in Midterms, Russian Hackers Escape Blame

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Opinion: The Hidden Benefits of Trumps Proposed Birthright Citizenship Policy

Washington, DC- On Tuesday, President Donald Trump turned up the volume on his immigration rhetoric and left his fellow Republicans holding a big bag of shit, after he announced “plans” to amend the Citizenship Clause of the 14th Amendment, by way of an executive order.

Trump sycophant, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), was adamant in his support of the Presidents announcement, and has indicated he will “introduce legislation along the same lines as the proposed executive order.”

“Finally, a president willing to take on this absurd policy of birthright citizenship. I’ve always supported comprehensive immigration reform – and at the same time- the elimination of birthright citizenship,” Graham tweeted.

House Speaker Paul Ryan was less supportive, “You cannot end birthright citizenship with an executive order. As a conservative, I’m a believer in following the plain text of the Constitution, and I think in this case the 14th Amendment is pretty clear.”
Read more Opinion: The Hidden Benefits of Trumps Proposed Birthright Citizenship Policy

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Trump Voters Smarter than Liberals, study shows

Dateline: D.C.—The Machiavelli Institute of Political Pseudoscience shocked the world when it revealed the results of its study that compared the intelligence level of President Trump’s diehard supporters to that of his critics on the left and the right, including “the Resistance” and “Never Trumpers.”
Read more Trump Voters Smarter than Liberals, study shows

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Trump Waited to ‘See What Happened.’ He Didn’t Like What Happened Next! Click Here to See the Cartoon!

NOTE FROM WALLACE (AND DON’T FORGET TO CLICK BELOW FOR THE FUNNY TRUMP CARTOON!):

Flamboyantly controversial US President Donald J. Trump is fond of ending a public conversation with a certain enigmatic phrase of his…
‘We’ll see what happens.’
Is this a threat?
Is it a sign that he’s open to a variety of possibilities and responses?
Or is he simply trying to duck the question?
It’s all very open to interpretation, but it certainly leaves him a hostage to fortune, in the eyes of some.
Are these the words of a skilled strategist, or a confused buffoon who has no idea what he’s doing?
Prominent media outlet NPR gives a few examples.
Among other things, Trump has dropped this peculiar and arguably disconcerting phrase in relation to North Korea, Iran and the Florida / Puerto Rico hurricane.
Does this phrase have its pitfalls, then?
Here’s a cartoon from Up Chuck.
Trouble in paradise!
Read more Trump Waited to ‘See What Happened.’ He Didn’t Like What Happened Next! Click Here to See the Cartoon!

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Fourteenth Suspicious Package Discovered… Maybe Copycat

Washington, DC- On Wednesday morning, Federal Investigators confirmed the existence of a fourteenth suspicious package, this time addressed to President Trump, discovered at a mail sorting facility in the DC area over the weekend. Florida resident and Trump supported Cesar Soyac, 56 years old, was taken into custody by authorities early Friday afternoon in connection to thirteen packages that had been sent to various politicians and outspoken critics of the President. If convicted, Soyac faces up to 48 years in prison. The latest package is the first one to target the President directly.

According to one source inside the investigation, “There are distinct differences between the first thirteen packages, and the latest package,” which was discovered at the USPS Regional Facility Washington DC Network Distribution Center early Sunday morning.  “My gut instinct tells me that the author of this latest package is probably not Soyac, but instead a copycat.”

Investigators point to the construction of the latest device, as well as its intended target as evidence of the copycat theory.  “The original thirteen packages, though non-lethal, demonstrated a working knowledge of basic bomb building techniques.  It would have required very little effort to have made these devices fully functional.  In fact, since all of the necessary components were included in the original packages, it is possible that these devices could have accidently gone off during transport.  The latest package, while still being treated as a valid threat, lacks any of the sophistication employed in the previous packages.”

One investigator, who spoke off the record so he could discuss the situation with more candor, was scathing in his evaluation, calling the latest package, “Equivocal to an ACME rocket.  This is literally the type of device you would make if you grew up watching Looney Tunes.  To call it amateurish is an insult to every kid who’s ever set off a firecracker, and I think even Wile E Coyote would be embarrassed by this effort.”

Read more Fourteenth Suspicious Package Discovered… Maybe Copycat

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