Tag Archive | "Donald Trump"

Putin contends Trump wasn’t Competent enough to have Colluded with Russia


Dateline: MOSCOW—In an exclusive interview with Fancypants Magazine, Vladimir Putin took offense at the allegation that Donald Trump was competent enough to have colluded with the Russian government in the hacking of the American political system that helped win Trump the presidency.
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President Trump, the Results of Your Psych Eval Are In. We Need to Talk.


Dear President Trump,

My name is Dr. Nathan Feingold. I’m Head of Psychiatry at Johns Hopkins Medical Center. Recently, you received a court order to submit to a battery of psychological tests due to widespread concerns by members of your own administration, Congress, and your wife, about your stability. Each has observed that since you became president, your behavior has become increasingly erratic, or, to quote your recently fired FBI Director, “the dude’s batsh*t crazy.”

This is an executive summary of the results. My findings highlight several areas of serious concern about your overall emotional, psychological and mental health. 

Reading Comprehension and Vocabulary Read the full story

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In his Lonely Hour, Trump Embraces the Swamp


April arrives, and like seasons, brings cherry blossoms to bloom in Washington D.C.

One side or another deflowers the hopes of Liberty or the Peace  Movement.

Trump has embraced warfare and the welfare state.

The swamp will take away the bloom from the wild Irish rose. Read the full story

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Russian Intelligence Operative reveals why Putin helped Elect Donald Trump


Dateline: MOSCOW—Russian intelligence operative admits to meeting with Donald Trump and with members of his inner circle during the 2016 presidential campaign, to explain to the Americans that Putin wanted Trump to beat Hillary Clinton because Trump is a colossal fuckup and would surely sink the United States.

In a candid interview with CNN’s Jenny Manjaws, Russian intelligence officer Sergei Waxonandov concedes that during the campaign he secretly met with Trump, Sessions, Flynn, Kushner, and with others who worked for the candidate.
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Peter Gabriel Goes Full Donald Trump (3/3)


https://twitter.com/RealPeteGabriel/status/715963479623147520 Read the full story

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Peter Gabriel Goes Full Donald Trump (1/3)


https://twitter.com/RealPeteGabriel/status/715959324208676864 Read the full story

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Hot Out of the Oven – New Donald Trump Memes


Donald Trump Memes Read the full story

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Germany Prepares to Prosecute Millions for Insulting Donald Trump in 2017


BERLIN – Germany’s law against insulting the leaders of foreign governments will be put to the ultimate test when billionaire Twitter personality Donald Trump is sworn in as President of the United States in January 2017.

Insulting President-Elect Donald Trump has become a favorite pastime and even personal crusade for millions of disillusioned people across the world. Many Germans view Trump’s crass expression of his troglodytic weltanschauung as a new all-time low in the history of Western political discourse.
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When Donald Met Nigel (A Comic Dialogue in Two Annoying Parts)


NOTE FROM WALLACE: Welcome Appleseed Ike, of Satirical Industrial Complex! This is Ike’s first piece for Glossy News.

***

When you hear about a meeting between Donald and Nigel you’d stereotypically picture two ageing, dogmatic men. What happens is far worse than a stereotype.

D- Hey British guy, why don’t you start by telling me about your crooked plan to get rid of Theresa May… not be very good for Britain. Ha. They can’t imagine it! Sad.

N- Well, it’s quite genius really. First you show some turbulence between the USA and Britain. This will create worry and confusion because of Brexit…

D- I love Brexit. Awesome! They tell me about Brexit. I know Brexit. Nobody does Brexit better than the Donald. Read the full story

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A Message For Trump’s Minions Worded In The Vernacular You Understand Best


In a bow to our supposed new President I submit this missive attempting to recreate the style of communicating that he does best in order to express myself properly to those who elected him. This letter, this message, this fatal death rattle is intended for those who brought him to power, to those who so loyally follow and support him. I will put aside my normal filtration of speech and mildly PC manner to which I am used to. I begin-

You stupid f—kheads! Do you have any idea what you have done? By voting for this arrogant bastard from a whore mother you have flushed America down the toilet! Thanks for inflicting your alcohol induced conception of what a President should be on the rest of us!

Do you really believe the bulls—t he spouts? Are you that f—king stupid? He is the greatest con artist since PT Barnum! And the circus he starts will be just as great. Read the full story

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Newscasters Normalize their Relations with Our Alien Overlord Tromp


Major media personalities strive to retain their credibility after being forced to appear naked on television by our alien overlord Tromp.

Tromp, the mastermind of the invasion from Pluto, created mass panic when he landed in the United States in November, 2016 in a fleet of golden skyscraper-shaped spacecraft. But the corporate media calmed the public by normalizing Tromp’s incursions into what had hitherto been a conventional state of affairs.

“It began innocently enough,” said Don Lime, host of a CNN news hour. “Tromp’s ship landed on top of the White House, crushing it. Even I screamed like a little girl when that happened–and I was live on air! Then my producer shouted into my earpiece: ‘Where’s your gravitas, your savvy, your objectivity?’

“So it occurred to me I had to be brave for the viewers. I locked away my true self and began coldly narrating what transpired. I was like a robot–just observing and describing in the most neutral terms I could think of what was perhaps the greatest disaster to have befallen our nation, as if it was barely even newsworthy.

“When Tromp kicked a baby’s head off, I admit I struggled. How to help prevent a human uprising that could cost millions of lives? How to do my job with dignity and avoid alienating Tromp in case he should decide he’d like to come on my show, perhaps be a regular guest or even a co-host. My producers drew up the contract and everything, so that was in the back of my mind: I had to play it cool with Tromp, because as hideous and inhuman as he was, he was now in charge.”

But then Tromp and his minions decreed that all media personalities, including pundits, analysts, and hosts, would have to perform their on-air television duties nude and uncensored.

“I was taken aback when I heard that one,” said Megyn Sally, journalist and commentator at Fox News. “I thought maybe I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. But when the projected ratings came in, I said to myself, ‘You’ll still have your journalistic integrity as long as you can pretend that nothing unusual is happening. The viewers won’t know the difference, because they’re just zoning out in front of the TV.’

“At first it was strange. I was sitting naked on set behind the desk, the cameramen leering at me and millions of people no doubt staring at my breasts on their television screens. But I reminded myself that I’m an insider, a power elite who’s making millions of dollars a year, and the schlubs sitting on their couches probably don’t even know our planet’s been conquered by an alien power; they live in their little bubble worlds on Facebook and as with the rest of the news, they’ll forget everything they’ve seen and heard minutes after they’ve turned off their TV. So I gutted it out.”

“Megyn Sally has fine knockers,” averred Joe Nobody, a Fox News viewer, “but I’ve seen better on Pornhub.”

When Tromp did consent to be interviewed on CNN, he sat across from stark naked Brianna Keeley and slid his frog-like tongue down her throat, forcing her to improvise.

“I remember thinking, ‘This is most unfortunate,’” said Keeley. “Here’s this tremendous opportunity to interview our alien master, to find out what makes him tick. I mean, what are his plans for us? Will he slaughter half our population or perhaps exterminate us in toto? Inquiring minds wanted to know.

“I’d assumed Tromp might try to use to his advantage the fact that he could decree that I be constantly naked in his presence. But it hadn’t occurred to me he might jam his slimy, two feet long reptilian tongue down my throat and just keep it there for the duration of the interview. My challenge then was to pose my carefully-crafted questions to Tromp without them sounding all garbled.

“At first, I just choked and vomited in my mouth, because I could feel his revolting tongue slithering down my throat. Then it occurred to me that while Tromp’s three hands were occupied with my breasts and other private parts, he’d neglected to control my wrists. So I began furiously writing down my questions with a thick black marker, and I held the paper up to Tromp’s bloated face. I watched as his eyeballs turned to look at my questions, and you know what? He released one of my breasts and scribbled his answers in the space I’d provided him. So it was question and answer, and normality was restored.”

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Trump Agrees to Return Alaska to Russia


In a clever, sage move by president elect Donald Trump, Alaska will be returned to Russia on January 21st, 2017. “We stole these lands and they have to go back to their rightful owners.”

The United States purchased Alask from Russia in 1867 for the staggering sum of $7.2 million. Russia had territorial claim, but no real settlement, so the transfer was seen as a win-win, unaware of the future geo-political implications.

“We don’t even use it,” said Trump. “What’s it for? Sure there’s some oil and penguins up there, but they aren’t like us. Just because you’re Nanook doesn’t mean you live in my north.” Read the full story

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It Ain’t Over Yet: Post-Election Leak of Clinton’s Secret White Millennial Meetup


The scandalous Clinton leaks continue! Here is the secret transcript of the first two days of November 2016, entitled:

‘Secret DNC Intelligence Briefings.’

November 1, 2016

Two days ago, Hillary Clinton delivered a stunning speech aimed at white millennial voters from a yoga mat in Boca Raton.

Recent advances in genomics allow us the opportunity to rid our children of misogyny, homophobia, and racism.

We can check our white privilege in the womb, and be stronger together.

Tim Kaine was told to delivered the identical speech (from a right wing eugenical perspective, rather than a left wing eugenical perspective), to an rally of 30 in West Palm Beach.

Under hostile questioning from Harball’s Chris Matthews, Donald Trump blurted out something about

White American men voting for Hillary… Believe me… These men are already castrated… Eunuchs… Make America hard again… Bigly.

Gary Johnson embraced a more libertarian position, stating

Men over 18 should have the choice of eliminating the warmongering gene in their genetic sequence… Ohhh, crap! Did that sound bad? Uh… maybe it should be delivered in edible form. Well hey! That a little better?

He further showed interest in taking a CEO position in just such a company after he is soundly defeated next week.

Jill Stein concurred with Johnson, but called for a “global public health care mandate,” also focusing on recycling.

November 2, 2016

Clinton returned to the topic of eugenics. By funding proper publicly accountable and socially expedient research, new advances in genetic engineering will rid conservative men of the underlying seeds of aggression…

E.g. testosterone, male genitalia, and other primitive and backward vestiges of the ancient pre-Clintonian patriarchy.

She says that in order to do this, we must overcharge breadline health insurance users, having first furnished them with a subtle subliminal assurance that:

If you want to keep your dick, you can keep your dick!

Separately she plans to ban the use of email in government, as history has shown that Republicans and other irresponsible right wing conservative bigots simply cannot be trusted with such.

Trump is rumored to be a little angry at this, as the next time Twitter crashes or Fox News has technical problems, he is going to have to rely on email briefings.

Still, he says he is not going to read them, even if he gets them.

Nobody does intelligence reports like me… Trust me, you’re gonna love ‘em!

It is consideredly somewhat unlikely, however, that he will ever once set pen to paper to write such.

The threat of conservative authoritarianism is so serious, that President Clinton must eliminate everyone’s ability to question the government…

Albeit, purely in order to foster a radically pluralistic society with a voluminous diversity of opinions and an active public sphere of debate! For it would be simply impossible to sustain all these latter, if authoritarian bigots and tyrannical fanatics were carelessly permitted to air their views, and to arrogantly prevent others from questioning them.

Angela Merkel, Nicolas Sarkozy and Theresa May have offered to provide as much assistance as they possibly can, short of any remotely substantial commitment of financial resources.

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Will The Real Donald Trump Please Stand Up?


In early November 2016, Scotland’s first minister, Nicola Sturgeon, expressed more clearly than many other world leaders the hope that Donald Trump, when in office, would be very different from the Donald Trump she had witnessed on the presidential campaign trail.

Comments attributed to Mr Trump while campaigning have led many to accuse him of being racist, sexist, and discriminatory towards people with disabilities – to name just three character traits that have met with liberal-minded disapproval.

If Ms Sturgeon and others are to have their wish fulfilled, however, Mr Trump, after entering the White House on 20th January 2017, will need to consistently demonstrate liberal, tolerant, non-discriminatory opinions and behaviour.

Suppose this did indeed occur. Imagine that the first act of the new president was to personally champion the cause of disabled, Mexican, Muslim women. Many would wonder what could possibly have led to such an apparent transformation.

In such circumstances, the following might be rationales to consider – doubtless all would be proposed:

1 – The CIA – or the shape-shifting, lizard-like aliens who control the world – had replaced Donald Trump with a liberal look-alike.

2 – A divine messenger had shown up in the Oval Office, pointed out that Mr Trump was in his latter years and explained that God remained undecided about whether the president’s final elevator journey should be up or down.

3 – Donald Trump had been part of an elaborate hoax for a US reality TV show. The writers had constructed a character from a composite of least desirable presidential characteristics. Then, somehow, it had all got out of hand.

4 – Donald Trump had been a really nice guy after all and had wished to be president to do good in the world. He had lied to get elected as he had correctly calculated that only a racist, sexist bigot could hope to win the hearts and minds of more than half the US population. Also, the Ku Klux Clan vote could have been a clincher.
This scenario has an interesting corollary in that Mr Trump’s alleged threats to go after his opponents after the election could transform into him targeting his own supporters. He might passionately castigate those who elected him, saying how disgusted he was by their behaviour and telling them that their appalling attitudes had no place in the modern world.

5 – Donald Trump had always been the ideal president. He had been targeted with a misinformation campaign by a biased media – a media that had been supporting a political elite who had become out of touch with, and had ceased to care about, ordinary US citizens.

6 – Donald Trump had really been as bigoted as the liberals had feared. He had discovered, however, that, as president, the pragmatics of balancing complex political factors, both at home and overseas, constrained his words and actions. He had been forced to concede that a president is not nearly as powerful as one might think.

When will the real Donald Trump reveal himself?

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Newt Volunteers/Threatens to Join Mars One-Way Mission (If Not Appointed to Cabinet)


(NOTE FROM WALLACE RUNNYMEDE: HERE’S A QUICK AND DIRTY ONE FROM BRIAN. NOW, I WONDER WHO THAT REMINDS YOU OF?)

Fallow bucket of human compost and erstwhile DC King Maker Newton Leroy Gingrich has put up his name as a possible applicant for a one-way mission to Mars…

That is, assuming he can’t secure a cabinet position in Trump’s administration.

Successor to Tom Foley and human embodiment of Mr. Potato Head Newt Gingrich has already pointed out his months of suckling up to the dry teat of the Trump campaign (despite only twice getting his parking validated), and is already seeking a new level of validation. He wants to be the first post-menopausal man on Mars, if he can’t get a place in Trump’s cabinet. Read the full story

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Trump’s Very First Speech as President: Exclusive to Glossy News


Ha! Ha! Ha!

Would you just LOOOOOOOOOK at… Read the full story

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