Tag Archive | "Donald Trump"

HOT OFF THE PRESS! DONALD TRUMP SEX SCANDAL! (& First Executive Order)


Immediately following his inauguration, President Donald J. Trump issued his first executive order; demanding records from AT&T, Comcast and other Internet Service Providers for anyone who has ever googled naked pictures of Melania Trump. Read the full story

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Totalitarian Tenets to be Tenaciously Tendered via Trump Tweet


‘Orwellian Obedience is Ordered to be Ordinarily Observed,’ says first Tenet via Trump Tweet.

“We’re going to win so much, you’ll get sick of winning,” begins a statement released today by Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump’s transition team spokesperson and former scarecrow template. “And to win, every team needs a strong leader — a leader everyone obeys, no questions asked. This is why we’re starting our new ‘Tenet via Trump Tweet’ regimen.”

“From the moment Donald J Trump is sworn in as President of the United States and Ruler of the Free World,” the statement continues, “our Dear Leader will let us know what is expected of us exclusively via Trump Tweet. All citizens will be expected to be followers of Mr Trump’s Twitter account, and to follow each ‘Tenet Tweet’ to the letter. That’s how we Win!” Read the full story

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Peter Gabriel Goes Full Donald Trump! (3/3)


https://twitter.com/RealPeteGabriel/status/715963479623147520 Read the full story

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Peter Gabriel Goes Full Donald Trump! (1/3)


https://twitter.com/RealPeteGabriel/status/715959324208676864 Read the full story

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Hot Out of the Oven – New Donald Trump Memes!


Donald Trump Memes Read the full story

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Donald Trump’s Latest Conspiratorial Rant: ‘The Jews Control Israel’ (1/2)


Rambunctious Orange Lives Matter Civil Activist and Pitiful Nazicon Stooge Donald Trump has recently delivered another hate-ridden tirade. After his edgy pre-election comments on ‘Latino rapists’ and ‘banning Muslims,’ Jake Tapper’s recent interview shows the Donald propagating a bizarre anti-Semitic conspiracy theory.

TAPPER: Mr Trump, do you actually believe the Jews control Israel? Read the full story

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More Contentious Donald Trump Policies


Here are the latest harebrained policy suggestions from Donald Trump.

Make America Ridiculous Again!

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1. Criminalize hate speech against corporations. Corporations are people too, and they have feelings!

2. Shut down X Factor. Don’t you think we’ve had enough of this crap by now?!

3. Women who have vaginas should be punished. Read the full story

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CIA Digs up Dirt on President Trump, forms New Planet


Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.–In response to President-elect Donald Trump’s denigrating the American intelligence community, the CIA dug up a planet of dirt on Trump, altering the Earth’s gravitational field.

The American intelligence community was united in its assessment that Russia hacked into the Democratic National Committee’s emails to attempt to give Donald Trump an advantage in his campaign against Democratic rival Hillary Clinton. Read the full story

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President Trump Confined to White House, Refusing to take Revolving Door


Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.–After much legal wrangling, President-elect Donald Trump and his children, Ivanka, Eric and Donald Jr. divested themselves of their holdings in the Trump Organization and in Trump’s dozens of other companies so that they could carry out their duties as president and as top advisors without the taint of blatant conflicts of interest. But after their term in office, they found it impossible to physically leave the White House, because they refused to use any of the hundreds of revolving doors back to the private sector, these being the only doors leading out of the building. Read the full story

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Germany Prepares to Prosecute Millions for Insulting Donald Trump in 2017


BERLIN – Germany’s law against insulting the leaders of foreign governments will be put to the ultimate test when billionaire Twitter personality Donald Trump is sworn in as President of the United States in January 2017.

Insulting President-Elect Donald Trump has become a favorite pastime and even personal crusade for millions of disillusioned people across the world. Many Germans view Trump’s crass expression of his troglodytic weltanschauung as a new all-time low in the history of Western political discourse.
Read the full story

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When Donald Met Nigel (A Comic Dialogue in Two Annoying Parts)


NOTE FROM WALLACE: Welcome Appleseed Ike, of Satirical-Industrial Complex! This is Ike’s first piece for Glossy News.

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When you hear about a meeting between Donald and Nigel you’d stereotypically picture two ageing, dogmatic men. What happens is far worse than a stereotype.

D- Hey British guy, why don’t you start by telling me about your crooked plan to get rid of Theresa May… not be very good for Britain. Ha. They can’t imagine it! Sad.

N- Well, it’s quite genius really. First you show some turbulence between the USA and Britain. This will create worry and confusion because of Brexit…

D- I love Brexit. Awesome! They tell me about Brexit. I know Brexit. Nobody does Brexit better than the Donald. Read the full story

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Five Reasons Why a Trump Presidency is Not that Bad


NOTE FROM WALLACE: Our Chris (as we say back in Yorkshire!) wrote this very shortly after the recent election. It may still resonate with some people. Leave your comments if you have views on this somewhat contrarian piece from a prominent critical thinker around our parts!

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If you were to read my Facebook feed, you would probably thing the apocalypse has genuinely happened. It may be easy to think so from the snow that appeared over night. However, I note that we are now a whole day later and all still alive. The reality is that a Trump presidency is not that bad. Here is why.

This is Brexit times 0.1

Brexit times ten? It might be for Trump? But for us this is nothing. Read the full story

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A Message For Trump’s Minions Worded In The Vernacular You Understand Best


In a bow to our supposed new President I submit this missive attempting to recreate the style of communicating that he does best in order to express myself properly to those who elected him. This letter, this message, this fatal death rattle is intended for those who brought him to power, to those who so loyally follow and support him. I will put aside my normal filtration of speech and mildly PC manner to which I am used to. I begin-

You stupid f—kheads! Do you have any idea what you have done? By voting for this arrogant bastard from a whore mother you have flushed America down the toilet! Thanks for inflicting your alcohol induced conception of what a President should be on the rest of us!

Do you really believe the bulls—t he spouts? Are you that f—king stupid? He is the greatest con artist since PT Barnum! And the circus he starts will be just as great. Read the full story

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Newscasters Normalize their Relations with Our Alien Overlord Tromp


Major media personalities strive to retain their credibility after being forced to appear naked on television by our alien overlord Tromp.

Tromp, the mastermind of the invasion from Pluto, created mass panic when he landed in the United States in November, 2016 in a fleet of golden skyscraper-shaped spacecraft. But the corporate media calmed the public by normalizing Tromp’s incursions into what had hitherto been a conventional state of affairs.

“It began innocently enough,” said Don Lime, host of a CNN news hour. “Tromp’s ship landed on top of the White House, crushing it. Even I screamed like a little girl when that happened–and I was live on air! Then my producer shouted into my earpiece: ‘Where’s your gravitas, your savvy, your objectivity?’

“So it occurred to me I had to be brave for the viewers. I locked away my true self and began coldly narrating what transpired. I was like a robot–just observing and describing in the most neutral terms I could think of what was perhaps the greatest disaster to have befallen our nation, as if it was barely even newsworthy.

“When Tromp kicked a baby’s head off, I admit I struggled. How to help prevent a human uprising that could cost millions of lives? How to do my job with dignity and avoid alienating Tromp in case he should decide he’d like to come on my show, perhaps be a regular guest or even a co-host. My producers drew up the contract and everything, so that was in the back of my mind: I had to play it cool with Tromp, because as hideous and inhuman as he was, he was now in charge.”

But then Tromp and his minions decreed that all media personalities, including pundits, analysts, and hosts, would have to perform their on-air television duties nude and uncensored.

“I was taken aback when I heard that one,” said Megyn Sally, journalist and commentator at Fox News. “I thought maybe I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. But when the projected ratings came in, I said to myself, ‘You’ll still have your journalistic integrity as long as you can pretend that nothing unusual is happening. The viewers won’t know the difference, because they’re just zoning out in front of the TV.’

“At first it was strange. I was sitting naked on set behind the desk, the cameramen leering at me and millions of people no doubt staring at my breasts on their television screens. But I reminded myself that I’m an insider, a power elite who’s making millions of dollars a year, and the schlubs sitting on their couches probably don’t even know our planet’s been conquered by an alien power; they live in their little bubble worlds on Facebook and as with the rest of the news, they’ll forget everything they’ve seen and heard minutes after they’ve turned off their TV. So I gutted it out.”

“Megyn Sally has fine knockers,” averred Joe Nobody, a Fox News viewer, “but I’ve seen better on Pornhub.”

When Tromp did consent to be interviewed on CNN, he sat across from stark naked Brianna Keeley and slid his frog-like tongue down her throat, forcing her to improvise.

“I remember thinking, ‘This is most unfortunate,’” said Keeley. “Here’s this tremendous opportunity to interview our alien master, to find out what makes him tick. I mean, what are his plans for us? Will he slaughter half our population or perhaps exterminate us in toto? Inquiring minds wanted to know.

“I’d assumed Tromp might try to use to his advantage the fact that he could decree that I be constantly naked in his presence. But it hadn’t occurred to me he might jam his slimy, two feet long reptilian tongue down my throat and just keep it there for the duration of the interview. My challenge then was to pose my carefully-crafted questions to Tromp without them sounding all garbled.

“At first, I just choked and vomited in my mouth, because I could feel his revolting tongue slithering down my throat. Then it occurred to me that while Tromp’s three hands were occupied with my breasts and other private parts, he’d neglected to control my wrists. So I began furiously writing down my questions with a thick black marker, and I held the paper up to Tromp’s bloated face. I watched as his eyeballs turned to look at my questions, and you know what? He released one of my breasts and scribbled his answers in the space I’d provided him. So it was question and answer, and normality was restored.”

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Trump Agrees to Return Alaska to Russia


In a clever, sage move by president elect Donald Trump, Alaska will be returned to Russia on January 21st, 2017. “We stole these lands and they have to go back to their rightful owners.”

The United States purchased Alask from Russia in 1867 for the staggering sum of $7.2 million. Russia had territorial claim, but no real settlement, so the transfer was seen as a win-win, unaware of the future geo-political implications.

“We don’t even use it,” said Trump. “What’s it for? Sure there’s some oil and penguins up there, but they aren’t like us. Just because you’re Nanook doesn’t mean you live in my north.” Read the full story

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It Ain’t Over Yet! Post-Election Leak of Clinton’s Secret White Millennial Meetup


The scandalous Clinton leaks continue! Here is the secret transcript of the first two days of November 2016, entitled:

‘Secret DNC Intelligence Briefings.’

November 1, 2016

Two days ago, Hillary Clinton delivered a stunning speech aimed at white millennial voters from a yoga mat in Boca Raton.

Recent advances in genomics allow us the opportunity to rid our children of misogyny, homophobia, and racism.

We can check our white privilege in the womb, and be stronger together.

Tim Kaine was told to delivered the identical speech (from a right wing eugenical perspective, rather than a left wing eugenical perspective), to an rally of 30 in West Palm Beach.

Under hostile questioning from Harball’s Chris Matthews, Donald Trump blurted out something about

White American men voting for Hillary… Believe me… These men are already castrated… Eunuchs… Make America hard again… Bigly.

Gary Johnson embraced a more libertarian position, stating

Men over 18 should have the choice of eliminating the warmongering gene in their genetic sequence… Ohhh, crap! Did that sound bad? Uh… maybe it should be delivered in edible form. Well hey! That a little better?

He further showed interest in taking a CEO position in just such a company after he is soundly defeated next week.

Jill Stein concurred with Johnson, but called for a “global public health care mandate,” also focusing on recycling.

November 2, 2016

Clinton returned to the topic of eugenics. By funding proper publicly accountable and socially expedient research, new advances in genetic engineering will rid conservative men of the underlying seeds of aggression…

E.g. testosterone, male genitalia, and other primitive and backward vestiges of the ancient pre-Clintonian patriarchy.

She says that in order to do this, we must overcharge breadline health insurance users, having first furnished them with a subtle subliminal assurance that:

If you want to keep your dick, you can keep your dick!

Separately she plans to ban the use of email in government, as history has shown that Republicans and other irresponsible right wing conservative bigots simply cannot be trusted with such.

Trump is rumored to be a little angry at this, as the next time Twitter crashes or Fox News has technical problems, he is going to have to rely on email briefings.

Still, he says he is not going to read them, even if he gets them.

Nobody does intelligence reports like me… Trust me, you’re gonna love ‘em!

It is consideredly somewhat unlikely, however, that he will ever once set pen to paper to write such.

The threat of conservative authoritarianism is so serious, that President Clinton must eliminate everyone’s ability to question the government…

Albeit, purely in order to foster a radically pluralistic society with a voluminous diversity of opinions and an active public sphere of debate! For it would be simply impossible to sustain all these latter, if authoritarian bigots and tyrannical fanatics were carelessly permitted to air their views, and to arrogantly prevent others from questioning them.

Angela Merkel, Nicolas Sarkozy and Theresa May have offered to provide as much assistance as they possibly can, short of any remotely substantial commitment of financial resources.

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